Helium

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“People of earth! If you listen this...AAAAARGH! For the last time, who replaced all the nitrogen with helium in this room again?!”

~ Oscar wilde on Helium

According to scientists, helium is the most dangerous element found in the Known World. It explodes on contact with air conditioners. Being top of the Noble Gases, it is also widely regarded as the King of elements.

But isn't it inert?[edit]

Helium propaganda sullying the good name of hydrogen.
Another helium pusher executed for his sins

That's what the helium industry would love for you to think... if they can convince the public that helium is inert, they can fool the people into believing it to be harmless and into ignoring the large helium factories floating overhead in our otherwise-peaceful and quiet industrial parks.

Unfortunately, they forgot to tell you a few things about helium:

  • Helium is a product of the nyoouckular fusion reaction which takes place in H-bombs.
  • Helium addicts rapidly become lightheaded and talk funny, spewing nonsense sounding like this, this or this.
  • Helium pushers often prey upon small children, distributing their wares in colourful but lighter-than-air balloons to unsuspecting victims.
  • More than fifteen micrograms of helium in fifty-eight years and spontaneous combustion becomes 99.991% assured to happen.
Helium abuse is clinically treatable, if you act now!

Uses[edit]

Despite what "scientists" might lead us to believe, helium only has one real use: The changing and funnifying of the human voice. Many people from all over the world use helium in awkward situations, when a joke that was meant to be funny comes out wrong. They simply inhale helium, and say "supercalafragilisticexpialidocious" and instantly the surrounding persons are clutching their ribs in fits of violent and even deadly laughter. Helium has been banned in some countries including England, India and Khazakhstan, due to the high death toll from helium-influenced laughter. Because of this, helium can also be used as a weapon when holding up banks or stores, typically carried out thus: one robber inhales the helium and says "nobody move!" Then, while the patrons are laughing hysterically over the ridiculousness of the voice, the other robber takes the dough.

Also, it takes helium to fill that bitch up.

See also[edit]

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