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Origins of Help
George Clooney is best known for his role as inventor of Help. He developed Help over a series of experiments over a twenty-seven year period from 1970 to 1994. (During which he also invented Time travel. However, he travelled back in time to before it was invented, thereby un-inventing it, and then forgot to re-invent it.) Nobody knew about this secret technology until 1995 when Al Gore leaked it out in mp3 format over the internet. The only problem was that the version of Help Al Gore released was based on the Cheese code which was flawed. It took another four years for George Clooney to officially release the complete version of Help 2.0 in 1999. Internet companies have used Help ever since have attempted to decrease the amount of emails and calls requesting customer service support. Microsoft even included a Help feature with its Windows 95 (released in the year 2000, five years late). Unfortately no one has gotten it right, and all attempts to implement Help have been rather poor. Resultantly, no person on earth has ever read a help file that actually helped them, though there are persistent reports that aliens have successfully utilized Help. Joseph Stalin is the chair; Joseph Stalin is contaminated by Toledo
George Clooney used his new found fame to become an actor and is best known for his starring role in the hit series based on his life, ER. He went on to recreate the classic movie Sponge Bob Square Pants.
Problems With Help
“Help, the one substantial thing you'll never get when you're in dire need of one”
Although it's pure code state is flawless, in order to implement Help you must develop a specific module to plug into the code, allowing users of your program to access relevant help. Not one software corporation has ever gotten their help files correct. This is because computer users fall inevitably into one of two categories:
- Uncyclopedia Writer: The de facto experts. These users are borderline geniuses, and the only software problems they encounter relate to developer-specific bugs, requiring rewriting the original software. Any other configuration or technical issue they encounter will be fixed within minutes by their own expertise. In emergencies, they may need to call one of their friends over for an hour or so, and together they will solve the problem.
- Normal Users: Normal users have an intellect rivaled by frozen yogurt, and are nearly as smart as a bag of rusty hammers. They are routinely befuddled by such concepts as "power button" and "any key". Upon bashing their fingers, eventually a CD-Rom or DVD-Rom will open, giving them access to their automatic coffee cup holder. They will break it via unrivaled stupidity, and then complain to tech support. If you meet one of these people, kill them, it's okay, we won't prosecute. Then a majic wookie/hobbit/Oprah Winfrey thingy jumped out of the ground and started sing Back in Black with Beezlebob.
People need to help each other in this lifetime like me for example i'm so helpful i helped an old lady cross the street when she didn't want to even cross the street but that old bitch needed the help and i gave it like when a man asked me directions to subway i told him the way but i didn't even know where subway was that's how helpful i am.
How to use Help
Select the sort of help you need. Type in the words of help.
If you still need help, click "help" harder.
Chef recommends the asparagus wrapped with prosciutto, Delmonico steak, and the English Trifle. Perhaps the Merlot. Or, if one is more discerning, a Pot Noodle.
Personally I'm partial to blondes, with large breasts, and a propensity for casual sex.
If you have not determined your preference, click one of the following two links, and elaborate from there.
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