Henry Clay
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“Freedom and Clay!”
~ Clay's Political Supporters on Henry Clay
“Me and Clay!”
~ Freedom on Henry Clay
“Huzza for Clay!”
~ Clay's Political Supporters on Henry Clay
“Polk, Slavery, and Texas, or Clay, Union, and Liberty.”
~ Pro-slavery Southerners on How Unimportant Union and Liberty Are
“Indians are essentially inferior to the Anglo-Saxon race...and their dissapperance from the human family will be no great loss to the world.”
~ Henry Clay on Native "The Red Menace" Americans
“[Clay] shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.”
~ A Brutally Murdered Man on Henry Clay
“I am your God, BOW TO ME!”
~ Henry Clay on What Everyone Already Knows
“We the people...”
~ Henry Clay on His Book, "Ideas that People Stole From Me"
Contents |
[edit] Natural Disasters
Pangaea As early as 250 million years ago, Clay's abilities to incite radical, swift, and fucking awesome geographical alterations surfaced, although some speculate they date back to the Big Bang. His first exploit in the field of altering the face of the Earth came with the breaking up of Pangaea, the super continent made up of all of the landmass on Earth. Most ignorant geologists believe that the separation of the land took place over millions of years due to plate tectonics, but they're ignorant. The story goes like this: Clay was wrestling a primitive species of bear, when the bear landed a blow to Clay's face. In a fit of blind fury, Clay clutched the bear and performed a complicated aerial maneuver which he dubbed, 'The Henry Clay Hellraiser.' Later in life, Clay gave his only legitimate son, Stone Cold Steve Austin, the ability to perform this maneuver, which was later renamed 'The Stone Cold Stunner.'
Pompeii Pagan god worship died with the expansion of scientific knowledge, which disproved their existence, according to popular history. However, worshiping Pagan gods died when the pagan gods themselves died-- at the merciless hands of Henry Clay.
Since the beginning of time, Clay had an ongoing debate with the ancient Greek, Roman, and Norse gods over who was the greatest, which was their first mistake. In 79 A.D., through a brilliant and elegant display of his wrath against the god of Mt. Vesuvius, located in scenic Pompeii, Italy, Clay filled a bag with his dog's fecal matter, lit it on fire, cast it into the mouth of the volcano, called out the god's name, and ran away. Henry Clay had forgotten his dog's capabilities, and his shit alone was enough to cause the volcano to erupt violently, killing the pagan god and all of the citizens of Pompeii.
[edit] Creations
Math Henry Clay, in the year 1 AD, created the pain in the ass addition of imaginary numbers to the world of mathematics. Using his superior knowledge of everything, Clay decided to broaden all his genius ideas into the world of imaginary numbers and the realm of negative radicals. His invention of this addition to the mathematics has been severely undermined because his publicist at the time, Jesus, thought it better to keep his discovery anonymous due to his frequent law suits dealing with Clay's sexual abuse of women.
Dogs Clay first created the pupus compainus because he grew weary of the same humans day in and day out, always ruining his day. Because of this he decided to create a species that could not speak, only show love, compassion, and bared teeth. Also, Clay always had a strange desire to act upon his teenage dreams of becoming a stylist. Seeing as Humans didn't quite tickle Clay's fancy, by creating a species all of his own, he could then act on his urges and provide the canine population with everything from adorable little sweaters to Haute couture garments. Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell, has even been seen sporting some of Clay's original designs.
Whig Party Clay founded the Whig party because he was quite fond of lavish hairpieces. The organization originally spawned from a frat party where there were many drunken politicians. The gathering of many up-and-comers with their extravagant hairpieces (which were actually just lampshades) spawned Clay to turn the frat house party into a new party. Main planks of their platform included the legalization of marijuana, the removal of all anti-whig politicians (not yet existing, but soon to be), and clever campaign quotes.
[edit] Politics
Henry Clay has played a crucial role in:
- The American System
- The Whig party
- The election of 1824 (disqualified)
- The election of 1832 (he lost)
- The election of 1836 (he lost)
- The election of 1836 for class president at Shermer High School (lost to that stupid jock kid)
- The election of 1844 (he lost)
- The election of 1848 (...lost)
- The election of 1916 (won...and by "won," I mean "lost")
- The Harrison and Tyler administrations
- The Missouri Compromise
- Native American life (and death)
- The Compromise of 1850
- The beating of Senator Brooks by Senator Sumner (Clay told Sumner that Brooks called him a, "nit-witted doodiehead.")
- The beating of Senator Sumner with a cane as punishment for beating Senator Brooks, which he instigated.
- The beating Senator Brooks for being a pussy about it.
- Il Duce of Fascist Italy and Fuhrer of NAZI Germany during World War II
- UFC Heavyweight World Championship Fight (won, then lost while he was winning)
[edit] Trivia
- Clay is said to have once out-cursed the devil, turning him blue.
A team mascot inspired by the tale
- Despite the constitutional requirement that senators and congressmen meet a minimum age requirement, Clay began serving in the U.S. Senate at the age of 29(he told them this age, because if he had told the Senate he was older, they would not have believed him due to the youth spell he had placed upon himself).
- Henry Clay ages in Plutonian years.
- Henry Clay abolished slavery under the alias Abraham Lincoln.
- Clay is currently involved in an ongoing lawsuit with author J.K. Rowling (in which, Clay is represented by Henry Clay, Esq.) reguarding the unpermitted printing of intimate details of his life and the unpermitted, copyright-infringing printing of his magical spells in the popular Harry Potter series of books.
- On the sixth day, God created Henry Clay, which is why he had to rest on the seventh day.
- Henry Clay is the Half-Blood Prince
- Henry Clay was born on April 12, 1777. From that day forward, 777 became the luckiest number in the world.
