Heron

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Heron at leisure

“A visit to a heron makes one's day”

“A bloody lovely bird”

~ A man who buggered a heron

“Up, up - ye heronne cuppe”

The heron (pronounced he-ron) is the largest bird in modern Europe. It lives in the handles of petrol pumps and in Pepperami Wideboys where it tries to ambush its natural prey - herring. Herons are allergic to water and Pepsi they are only known to embibe Pernod. A heron is a lonely and solitary creature often found sobbing in ladies washrooms lamenting its gothic heritage and attempting to cut the words 'peaboi' into its legs.

The heron's body is covered in a fine layer of Turkish Delight which enables it to slide smoothly through the pumps. This 'delight' is prized by plumbers and Keifer Sutherland, who both use it to lubricate pipes. These are the only known predators of the heron, however a heron and a bobcat have been recorded in a pub carpark fight over galleon width.

The largest recorded heron was over 5 miles in diameter and nicknamed King Herod the Magnificent by its owner, Will Young, who used his harvest of 'delight' to lure Keifer Sutherland into an ASDA for purposes unknown.

Endangered Species[edit]

The heron is an endangered species numbering less than 5 million-and-12 breeding quartets. There are now over 603 groups devoted to protecting the interest of the heron, most notably Children of Jehova for The New Millenium, the BNP, Bobby George's Most Fantastic Heron and Yachting Club, and The Heron Endangerment Brotherhood Enabling A Tiny Little Egg Sequestion (or T.H.E.B.E.A.T.L.E.S) led by 'Ringu 9'

Cultural References[edit]

There have been recent reports in the publication Heron Heron Herald that a number of birds have been overheard bemoaning the lack of herons in films. Only one heron, George Ambulance, is known to have starred in a feature picture - Taxi Driver. However many minor roles for herons have started to appear on the small screen such as 'Pedro Falcon' Gunther's brother in the Spanish edition of the hit US TV series Friends. A heron appeared as a suicide bomber in Episode 17 series 35 of British Spy Dramaticon Spooks, also herons have featured in the recent popular TV advertisements for Fanta lemon.

In music, a heron was used as an instrument by Daemon Albarn in the making of the album Mali Music. Also a grey heron was blown as a trumpet by the hirsute Grand Pontiff Bob Geldof throughout the 3 hour solo opening spectacular of the Live 8 music concerts in 2005.

Herons have been immortalised in the popular folk ditty Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson:

Alan are you wonky
Alan are you wonky
You've been hit by the smooth layer of Turkish Delight that makes your face pink and sweet
Heron, you were blessed

Herons despise Greeks.

Further reference[edit]

For more information on herons please refer to your local Jamie Oliver information kiosk, the heron bibliogramme, and Brian Blessed.