Hershey's Jesii and Creme
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Has your candy lost that son of God flavor? Is the Messiah aroma just disappearing from your sweets? Does it taste more like that son of a bitch Ned Flanders? Well don't you worry, because Hershey's has the candy for you! Introducing Hershey's Jesii and Creme. This savory blend of chocolate, creme, and Jesii is guaranteed to save your soul and your taste buds through its holy aura of divine flavor. Soon to be found in fun size, and the much more fun deity size.
Jesii and Creme is considered to be a modern miracle of science. For those of you who don't know, science is that magical work of Satan which allows us to figure things out and therefore doubt the existence of God. The original Jesii and Creme was made by Pontius Pilate in 33 AD when he discovered that he had an excess of chocolate and an excess of creme, but nothing to mix them with. As luck would have it, his secret ingredient was led to his courtroom by an angry mob at that exact moment. Seeing Jesus, Pontius began to wonder if perhaps a messiah was the answer to his culinary woes while at the same time allowing him to appease the angry Jews who had long been clamoring for Yom Kippur off. After pronouncing Jesus guilty, Pilate is famous for washing his hands, not to cleanse his sin, but to make sure they were clean before he went to the table for his dessert. While many would like to believe that Joseph of Aramathia took the body of Jesus to entomb it, in actuality Roman guards took the body and minced it up to make Pilate's dessert. The recipe was then preserved in amber for nearly five thousand years, until it was thawed out and translated in the future. The future, being kind, then sent the recipe back to the Hershey's company who have now mass produced it for our modern consumption, thereby forever signing themselves with the devil.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
| Big Candy |
| Peddlers |
| Willy Wonka • Chester Cheetah • Godiva • Ben & Jerry's • Reese Witherspoon • Chocolate Zim • Laura Secord • Hersheys |
| Confections |
| Reese's Peanut Butter Cup • Hershey's Jesii and Creme • Kit Kat Bar • Airplane peanuts • Bon-bons • Bubble gum • Cheetos • Chips |
| Jelly beans * Popcorn * Pretzel * Skittles * Twinkies * Snickers * Pez * Wonder Ball |
