Hersheys

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Hershey bar
Kingdom	Fungae
Phylum	Sponges
Class	Urrrrus
Order	Furrilus
Family	Yukus
Genus	Spewikuss
Species	vulgaris
Binomial Name	Spewikuss vulgaris Crocker, 2002
Primary Armament	Yuck Taste
Secondary Armament	Motivates Americans to kill people
Power Supply	I'm not going into that
HP:	4
Mana Points:	10
Strength:	∞
Intelligence:	-∞
Weight	200 kilobytes
Length	200 px
Special Attack	The stench of Death
Conservation Status	Far, far too Common

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hersheys.

The Hershey bar is an American 'treat' made out of something that might possibly be chocolate. It is a quite well-documented fact (which most scientists are still baffled by) that Americans, alone on this planet, actually LIKE this 'food'. This may be the main reason why the majority of Americans are all obese slobs. The Hershey empire, which rose to power during the colonial age, was one of the largest (and certainly the worst tasting) empires in the world.

[edit] History

[edit] In the Beginning

Milton Hershey, founder of the soon-to-be Hershey empire, originally found himself penniless. His once expansive family fortune was squandered on gambling, a drug addiction, works of modern art, interestingly shaped salt-and-vingar flavoured crisps (one, his favourite, was shaped liked Richard Nixon), and several rather large green pillows. He wondered whether he could endorse something that was completely useless and sell it at a ridiculously high-price for no apparent reason. However, after two of his initial interests (an 'Exploding Alarm-Clock'(Guarenteed to wake you up), and a 'Grow Your Own Radioactive Monster' kit) fused together, leaving a slightly gloopy mess over his floor, attracted his attention. After a series of complicated experiments, he found a fortune-changing discovery: by mixing the gloopy residue with chocolate, milk, rasins, dead flies, and vomit (see Ingredients, below), a substance was created, that often made old peoples' pacemakers stop and small children cry. After more experiments, a bar which could hypnotize people was concocted, which he then arrogantly called a Hershey Bar. All was set in place for a huge empire...

[edit] Hershey Takes the USA

Milton soon found out that this new Chocolate vastly appealed to various dummies with no taste. These Americans were going mad with joy. This, according to them was better, than Nestle; much better than Cadbury. True, their tougues were ripped out and burned but that can't have anything to do with it? Could it? Hershey bars were worshipped as The Food as God, which was later disproved and it was found to be more like the food of Satan. Ah well, easy enough to make a mistake, you may say. Well, on the contary, Hershey was becoming a millitant fundamentalist, of Herseyism, a new religion, helped by, y'know that uncyclopedia article. A series of millatry tactics brought the southern USA. The USA was being ripped apart by a civil war. Who will win? Find out next section on 'Hersheys'.

[edit] The Chocolate Wars of Independence

Milton was a cruel dictator, sentencing people who ate any other bar to death...by chocolate, naturally. The brave Europeans, allied with the Democrats, tried to fight back with Cadbury bars and Nestle. Night came and Milton sneaked a shipment of Hershey bars inside the Cadbury chocolate mix. The zombifying effect of the spiked chocolate brainwashed the French, Spanish, the Germans and many others. The British (the only people unaffected) fought back, but were forced to retreat to Canada, where they reinforced the Cadbury Canada frontier.

[edit] The Empires Strikes Out Against Europe

As the Empire conquered Alaska and Hawaii, Hershey built a chocolate capital city called Hersheyland. It melted. He built one again. That melted too. He made another one. That burnt down, fell over and then melted...but the fourth one stayed up. This became a centre of trade, money and suicide. To celebrate, Hershey decided to invade Europe, where the hypnotism bars were wearing off. He attacked and attacked and attacked and attacked and attacked again, ruthlessly killing Europeans, dismantling Nestle and almost killed Oscar Wilde,(did I mention he attacked again?). Just as Europe was going to be completely flattened, Milton died, after finally sampling his own chocolate. His body was placed in a giant vat of Hershers chocolate,(When his body was taken out it was green). His sons were divided over what to do. Bob Hershery, a clone of his father, believed the chocolate was amazing and forced his unnamed twin to Europe where he died completely penniless.

A rather unfortunate side-affect of the bar

[edit] Ingredients

A brave and daring experiment was set up in 1989, to find the strange secrets of a Hershey bar. The folllowing is an extract of the trained scientists diary reports on dismantling the bar. NOTE: This was a trained scientist dismantling the bar and repeating the same experiment at home may cause death, injury or giant squirels to fly in and start eating you. This was a small extract of a simple scientist in the Hershey factory.

This is a Hershey brand ice cream maker.

OK it's my first job. I've gotta look good. It doesn't seem bad going through a bunch of chocolate, though. It's just got chocolate in it- no wait, what's that? Oh no, that's absolutely disgusting, anything but that thing! Well, erm, er moving on here we have got some, er, milk, no wait erm, malk? I can't find enough cheese, I need CHEESE! Ok? What next,pepper, butter a hand, a radioactive sheep, some worms, some sort of greeny, yellow hairy thing...Hey! My next door neighbour's cat, Fluffball! My next door neighbour's dog, Fido! My next door neighbour's fish, Gluppy! Wait my next door neighbour?!?!? Worse, I still can't find enough cheese. What the hell is this-Oww! It bit me! Hey, it's moving! Help! Help! Hey, why are holding that butcher knife over my head? On no....

(No rest of list, Scientist bacame one of the ingredients in the Hershey bar.)