Highlander

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Teuchter?
Highlander is from here

“There can be only me.”

~ Highlander on Highlander

Highlanders are a rare breed of animal from the highlands of Scotland (not to be confused with Welsh Highlanders ) who carry Claymores and kill people (usually English) they dont like whenever they want. Their diet consists entirely of pure alcohol, which falls as rain in certain areas of the highlands and has also been suggested as the reason that highlanders are the only males resistant to the fatal disease Man flu. Providing many candidates for the SAS, marines and the non-gay British Navy, Highlanders have won international acclaim for their extraordinary acts of bravery when faced with odds that would make common-folk soil their kilts. However highlanders are known to hate each other and when two meet they proceed to carry out a ceremony known as the snippering. The two highlanders are locked in an intense battle of wits and stamina (Chess) and the victor takes his opponents genitals (the only known way to kill a highlander other then colonic irrigation and fast paced metallica albums).

Misleading Highlander Facts[edit]

Many different sources claim that there can be only one, but this is completely false. There is actually a multitude of highlanders and, when observed from a safe distance, it becomes clear that they have an overdeveloped ability to utilise curse words. It is a common myth that these have no detrimental effects on innocent bystanders. However, manipulating the correct lexical crudities, a highlander becomes empowered with the ability to crush a skull at 50 meters. The famous blood-bath after the announcement of the foot and mouth cull claimed many victims - they were all Welsh and English though so nobody cared!

It is also false that one can only be born a highlander. It is also possible for one to become a highlander later on in life. The process usually involves some sort of freak accident at a restaurant where large birds are present. The other way is to take the Highlander compass test, which involves jumping off a cliff. In theory it is also possible to become a highlander by killing a highlander and taking his kilt. However, as only a highlander can kill another highlander this would be a pointless act.

Moreover, the Highlander was indeed a fake Highlander, being a frenchie who did'nt know much about swordfighting. Reality bites, eh?

The Highlander

History[edit]

The first known Highlander, Steve Tennis, was made that way due to a freak accident involving tacos and a rather large ostrich. As history progressed, many highlanders rose from the bloodline of Steve, to finally create Chuck McNorris of the Clan McNorris. In the 3000's 7 highlander kings rose to rule Benmark.

Highlanders and Sex[edit]

It is a well known fact, that has been demonstrated in three of the four documentaries, that once discovered to be a highlander, women will immediately have sex with you. This has prompted a large wave of deaths as many men stabbed themselves in front of women to get them to have sex with them. This rarely ever works out as there is only a small amount of women willing to have sex with a dead person. But if you are a highlander, feel free to stab yourself in front of as many women as you wish, as you cannot die, and they will immediately have sex with you for no reason.

AKS 8393[edit]

Although his time in the kingdom of Benmark was short, due the the lack of updates and a weak firewall, he had a very influential time as the Highlander of Benmark. Such things came into effect:
1:Changed The National Anthem to "Mr. Roboto"
2:The handshake was replaced by the robot.
3:Gained popularity with the youth of Banmark with his "Drugs? OK!" campaign.
4:Eventually lost respect when he devoured an emo kid in the town square and proposed that this must be the way to solve the taco famine.
5:and Finally he just hopped away on his new iSpring

Highlander film[edit]

A recent documentary on the immortal highlanders was recently produced featuring the Sean Connery and The Kurgan a.k.a. the voice of Mister Krabs

A sequel to the documentary was made and made no logical sense yet the events still happened in real time as in 1999,2056,and sometime in the first movie. Another place that is mentioned in the docu-sequel was the planet zeist thus confusing people even more it was clear that this documentary was a rushed docu-sequel and thus never existed. When a highlander was asked about this docu-sequel he responded "there should have been only one".

Fake Highlander[edit]

Despite his best efforts, Mel Gibson failed in his attempts to become a highlander. In fact, during the first communication with highlanders since the release of braveheart, 42 people were killed instantly by the enormous rage felt at the mention of his name. In the ensuing blood lust, York was sacked 7 times costing the lives of 47 billion people. It has widely been regarded as the sole cause of the credit crunch.

See also[edit]