Highlands Ranch
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Highlands Ranch is the heartless capital of Suburbia, Colorado. Located on several square miles of Native American burial grounds, Highlands Ranch has yet to achieve the status of a city, and remains an unincorporated part of of the Phipps family's private residence.
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[edit] People
Today the province of Highlands Ranch is dominated by roving herds of soccer moms. The Highlands Ranch breed of the soccer mom is especially aggressive and prone to fits of violence. This violence is evident in the declaration of C-470 (the main roadway in Highlands Ranch) as a war zone by the Bush administration in 2004. Since 1997, there have been several known incidents of drive-bys by booster seat wielding mom-herds driving mini-vans in the poorer outlying regions, such as Commerce City, Colorado. More recently the mom-herds have been known to travel in more powerful vehicles such as the Lincoln Navigator and Acura MDX. Some attribute the violence of the region to the aforementioned spirits of the Native Americans that are buried beneath their two-level Richmond American eggshell white with tan trim homes.
The average family in Highlands Ranch is one remarried father, one mother, one punk-ass son, and a hormone-filled daughter who is attending her first prom next week.
[edit] History
[edit] Settlement
Highlands Ranch was founded in late 1592 by Highlands Stein Siegel Ranch, a Jewish immigrant from Norway. H.S. Siegel Ranch is attributed with the oft quoted statement "There can be only one" which was developed into the tepid sitcom Highlander. On diversity H.S. Siegle Ranch also is noted to have said:
“I declare this city land free of all prejudice, except those prejudices that apply to race and religion, those just make sense. ”
~ Highlands Stein Siegel Ranch on Founding of Highlands Ranch
The combative nature of H.S. Siegel Ranch manifests itself in the turf war between modern day Highlands Ranch and its arch nemesis Castle Rock, Colorado (founded by Laurence "The Rock" Castle, Ranch's religious cousin).
[edit] Growth
It was not until late 1999 when the influx soccer moms occurred. The region, once populated by Lobstermoose and hippies, began to attract those wishing to get achieve a highbrow lifestyle away from parties and fun, instead looking to have wine parties while the children shoot up in the game room. The lobstermoose, deemed by the newcomers as "inferior," quietly left for better poon.
