Hinduism
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 Warning, reasoned discussion with a Hindu may cause homosexuality.
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“It means every reaction is followed by an action”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on Karma
Hinduism is the name for a pack of gods which can include ants to elephants and your mother in law. Some silicon valley based lifeforms claim it is also a religion. Hinduism has been cited in the Guinness Book of Records as the only religion where the number of Gods outweigh the number of followers. The main purpose of a Hindu's life is to be more like the gods by having promiscuous sex and multiplying until the number of their offspring reaches close to the number of gods.
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[edit] Floating on polytheism, or: Anything goes
In spite of common belief, the Hindus don't have that many Gods. Their gods are very similar to Pokémon, every few years some more are created. However, recent archaeological discoveries have proved that ancient Hindus had excessive love for multiplication. Therefore, they used to multiply their gods and make many children. Hindus finding that there is nothing cool about their religion often try to absorb Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism (against their will) as Hinduism to try and gain some credibility. Out of desperation they are adamant that the followers of these religions are actually Hindu even though the adherents of these religions are adamant that they are not. A fine example of religious tolerance.
[edit] Floating in time
The development of Hinduism can shortly be divided into seven thousand phases. That it is just seven is not depending upon that it really has been seven different steps in the Hindu theological development, but because seven is a holy number in Hinduism and everything that can be divided in seven must so be, unless it can be divided in three instead.
Seven is also the number of ingredients that go into the making of Soma, the ever sacred juice, the imbibing of which stirred the creative juices of the creator that flavour all of Vedic thought. Juicy lyrics or hymns to Soma, the Juice, are more fully contained in the Soma Veda, from where they have been shamelessly hacked by rock & roll stars of the 20th century like Schrödinger's cat, Nikola Tesla, Will Durant, John Lennon, Aldous Huxley, Max Muller, and Jimmy Page without citations.
[edit] The Early Vedic State
Sketch: Hindus climb down the Hindukush and start to fight the Dravidian. Religion close to Nordic Asa Belief. Caste system evolves, as well as reincarnation ideas. The brahmins revere the Gods and tremble before them with prayers of mercy. During one of the many prayers, one of the Brahmins after having had a hearty meal, happens to let out a huge burp, sounding something like "AaaauuuuuMMM". The Gods who had until now been threatening and menacing suddenly fall into a trance. The intelligent Brahmins (they declared themselves as such), are quick to catch on and realize the pacifying effect saying "AaaaauuuuMMM" has on the angry Gods. Not only that, the pacified Gods also ask the Brahmins to try and improve the chant the word.
The Brahmins then make it an official decree, that whoever, err...sorry only whichever Brahmin desires to please a God and wants the God to do his bidding has only to chant "Aum"(why waste time going "AaaauuuMMM"?).
[edit] The Attack of the Classic Period
Sketch: The quest for enlightenment arises. Brahmins start to get haughty. They talk to the Gods as equals through the Divine language of perfectly pronounced Sanskrit.
[edit] The Phantom Brahman
Sketch: Now the brahmins start to claim the Universe for themselves. They order the Gods Around as Wallahs.The textbook brahmanas is written by the bramins who there state that all property owned by other castes can be claimed by a brahmin if he has a divine reason to do so. In the Ahapramsara Sutra it is later clarified that "divine reason" means "wants it". The Brahmanas also state that any adultery between a brahmin and a wife belonging to another caste shall be looked upon as a sacred act to be worshipped by the cuckold husband. This later writings has been proposed as the direct reason behind the ksyatryan buddhist reformation.
[edit] The Return of the Upanishads
Sketch: Hindu rebellion against brahman orthodoxy. Hinduism is losing market shares to Jainism and Buddhism. Hindus learn from Buddhists how to make sly speculations about the non-existential aspects of existence. The Brahmins are quite pissed off with the Gods and gives them a decent telling-off.
[edit] The Classic Era Strikes Back
Sketch: Golden age of Hinduism, as they move from dominating cornershops to supermarkets. The Brahmins start a law suit against the Gods.
[edit] Post-Shakira modernism
Hindus are seen as peaceful, quite unlike the money loving Jews who like to kill babies for land!
[edit] The era of the Gurus
Sketch: The Beatles go Hindu and now everyone want their own sitar to levitate with in their back yard ashram. The Brahmins get a new fate in the American Express Company. The Brahma Kumaris take over the Indian Government, then the United Nations just before the world is destroyed by Nuclear Bombs leaving just 900,000 of their followers to enjoy heaven on earth.
[edit] Floating on Principles
Hinduism shares many practices with other religions but has a few unique beliefs -
- Pray to everything that moooooooos.
- Kamasutra, which other religion gives you free advice on sex?
- Like a vulture preys on anything that doesn't move, a Hindu prays to anything that does.
- Only brahmins can achieve enlightenment. Sorry. No excuses.
- The only way to be reborn as a brahmin is to let your eldest son light a funeral fire of sandalwood.
- Sandalwood may only be sold by brahmins
- All kind of manslaughter is forbidden, except on baby elephants
- Everyone must take a bath in the very POLLUTED Ganges because it increases your tolerance quotient, and increasing the tolerance is the first step towards enlightenment.
- You get the death sentence for killing a cow
- A Cow's life is worth more than that of a lower caste person
- Cow piss milkshake is the best alternative to lemonade
- A woman has to sit on the shivlingem (Shiva's penis) statue to get fertile if she cannot get pregnant
[edit] The Answer to All Questions
.....Close thine eyes child, and look up to the sky(!!). Concentrate on your breathing. Breath in. Breathe out. Breath in. Breath out. Now, that you're relaxed. Chant the word "OM" (Ω) over and over again, till you get that heady feeling.
Best frikkin' solution!! Hallucinating, man. I is like-a this!!
[edit] Opposing Philosophies within Hinduism
- Jnana (Monism - Voidism - or atheism). Jnana is a branch of Hinduism that is opposite of Hinduism in that, though based on the same books, interprets God as being “0” or the anti-god, God NOT being a person, while the anti-god is a Void. This Voidism is composed entirely of nothing. Therefore it’s so worthless that a bottle of it could ONLY be sold on eBay. Followers of Jnana, founded by George Carlin are considered to be atheists by the rest of the Hindus. Meanwhile the normal Hindu can’t tell the difference. So if the Void is for you then you’re hardly a Hindu. Or are you!? Is it worth fighting and dying for? You bet!
- Yoga (Inbetweenism - flying carpet). Founded by Yogi Bear, Yoga teaches that God is a tiny little leprechaun living in between your eyes and to see him just hand over all your belongings at the head-office and sit DOWN, stick your elbow in your ear, and shut up! If you're good enough you could attain the door-to-door salesman siddhi. It's NOT worth fighting and dying for! Or is it?
- Bhakti (Dualism or Theism). Bhakti is a branch of Hinduism that is opposite of Hinduism in that, though based on the same books, interprets God as being a person, while the anti-god is a Void. God, viz., Rama, Krishna or Gandhi, lives in Vaikuntha, a place where there are no lawyers or speeding tickets, and you can hang out with God, tell Polish jokes, wash His feet, an stuff. This Vaikuntha is composed entirely of nothing. Therefore it’s so worthless that a bottle of it could ONLY be sold on eBay. Followers of Bhakti, founded by Mel Gibson are considered to be Theists by the rest of the Hindus. Meanwhile the normal Hindu can’t tell the difference. So if Vaikuntha is for you then you’re hardly a non-Hindu. Or are you!? Is it worth fighting and dying for? You bet!
[edit] EXAMPLE
Three Hindus, a jnana yogi, a yoga-yogi, and a bhakti yogi, were together in a car crash and all were killed. Poof! They all appeared together at the Feet of Bhagavan (God, dude!).
First God asked the jnan-yogi, "So, what do you believe?" The jnani replied, "I believe in your formless Brahman - so-aham!" God said, "Good, come sit on my side"
Then God said to the bhakti yogi, "So, what do you believe?" The Bhakta replied, "I belive in Your eternal service in Nitya-lila Vaikuntha!" God said, "Good, come sit on my other side!"
Then God said to the yoga-yogi, "So, what do you believe?" The yogi replied, "I believe you are sitting on my throne."
[edit] Reincarnation
Hindus believe in reincarnation, and the cycle goes on as follows:
Rock -> Paper -> Scissors -> Beetle -> Umang -> Plague virus -> Cockroach -> Bald Eagle -> Homeboy -> Skinny white man -> Indian -> Whapanese -> Teh Pope -> Kid Rock -> Hulk Hogan -> Pamela Anderson -> Gandhi
And yea , did I forget Oscar Wilde ?
Note: Reincarnation renders suicide impossible.
If you want to look, act, and feel like the the skinny Indian guy off the Nestle Yogurt adds, then Hindu is for you. And remember: to be Hindu JUST ADD WATER
[edit] Song of God
The Hindu Gita, The Bible, contains the essence of the religion, and is known as "The Song of God" This Song of God is preceded by an introduction translated from Sanskrit into 'surf-speak' by Jerry Lopez:
[edit] Introduction by Jerry Lopez
About a-gazillion years ago, or more like, seriously WAY back, there was this radical prince dude named Arjuna (even he never surfed Pipeline or Jaws, still he got this big kahuna reputation coz he could shoot the eye of a fish, or somethin').
He was a mate with his Bud, Krishna, a former cowboy-turned-playboy-turned-political advisor (who's, like, mega-cool and actually, at least GOD! Arjuna and his non-surfing kook bros got ripped-off by those dirt-bag Kauravas, who were sons of that old blind king dude, who was kinda Arjuna's uncle because of some family BS.
Anyway, these Kaurava cats were headed by jerk-in-chief named Duryodhan (who's like a freakin' greaser! Shit! Dude's probably never even SEEN the ocean), and they ripped off Arjuna and his bros by being unfair ass holes!!!
So this all leads up to a mega rumble. Like a Vedic "West Side Story" but here the Sharks and the Jets are the Kauravas (BAD GUYS (wink! Wink!), and the Pandavas, Arjuna's gang (GOOD GUYS). And they're gonna have this gnarly gang-fight over ownership of a "point-of-a-needle of earth" (way I figure, since Krishna was cool enough that He lived on the beach, so it was probably a "grain of sand" in stead of some inland 'kook' dirt).
Just before they start to seriously kick some ass, Arjuna asks Krishna to drive his ride over to go check out the scene. Man, everywhere he looked it was, like, all some kinda family ties. So Arjuna got bummed! He told Krishna, "Screw this! I 'm a 'conscientious objector', and I want out!"
Krishna's like, "Dude!?!"
But Arjuna is seriously zoned and feeling bummed-out. He figures it's better off if he splits to the Himalayas and lives in a cave, like Bin Laden and his sidekick, the peg-legged doctor named Jihad, or somethin'.
Finally Arjuna looks at Krishna and says, "Man, it's YOUR call!"
Krishna kinda grins, "Dude! You're really on-the-rag! I'm listening to you spout off all this chicken-sh*t pacifistic crap - like you're a twink or something. Man! I thought you had some balls!"
Arjuna is like, "Jeez, Man! I already said it was 'Your call' - so like, what's it gonna be? War or Peace?"
Before Krishna answered the question, He and His chariot driver, Arjuna, had the far-out conversation, in which Krishna declares that it just so happens that He Himself is God, and to help Arjuna understand He gave a few mundane examples of His glories.
[edit] The Song
(Sung to the tune of Ghost Busters)...
"Raso-aham-apsu kaunteya!" - "I am the taste of water, …among animals I'm the lion, among birds I'm the eagle, among fish I'm the shark."
"Among rock bands I'm the Beatles, Among bad guys I'm Hitler, among fashion models I'm Twiggy, and among CTU agents I'm Jack Bauer,
"Among guns I'm the bazooka, among fire-crackers I'm the H-bomb, among great actors I'm Al Pachino, and among corny actors I'm Dev Anand,
"Among aging babes I'm Bridget Bardot, among left-wing commie pinko traitors I'm Jane Fonda, among fast food restaurants I'm KFC, and among things to avoid like the plague I'm the plague,
"Among bridges up-for-sale I'm the Brooklyn Bridge, among golf players I'm the son of Tiger Woods' Dad, among spiders I'm the freakin Funnel Spider, and among things that are NOT 'Cool Aid' I'm Agent Orange,
"Among smart directors I'm Tobe Hooper, Among wise-ass Vulcans I'm Spock, among lousy rock bands I'm the Move, and among radical guitar players I'm Jimi Hendrix,
"Among bimbos I'm Brittany Spears, among playing cards I'm the Ace, among Motorcycles I'm Triumph, and among brave soldiers I'm Audie Murphy,
"Among jokers I'm Cheech & Chong, among tenors I'm Mario Lanza, among jerks I'm Lyndon Johnson, and among wackos I'm Charles Manson,
"Among big monkeys I'm King Kong, among Mexican knives I'm the switch blade, among Italian knives I'm the stilletto, and among Ugandan knives I'm the machete,
"Among African-Americans I'm Rochester, among dick-heads to work for I'm Jack Benny, among non-lying Presidents I'm, I'm, (ah, lets pass on this), and among bystanders I'm Jack Ruby,
"Among monumental screw-ups I'm the partition of India into Pakistan, among airplanes I'm Air Force One, among racist groups I'm the Klu Klux Klan, and as proof of a Masonic-Templar-Illuminati conspiracy I'm the $1 bill,
"Among famous movie lines I'm: "Play it again, Sam!", among horny bastards I'm a freakin Mormon, among good jokes I'm the Polish Coyote, and among bad jokes I'm the "knock knock" joke,
"Among loud rock bands I'm Spinal Tap, among loud amp volumes I'm 11, among wild guitar players I'm Angus Young, and among Vegas has-beens I'm Tom Jones,
"Among winners I'm the slot machine, among soft drinks I'm Cream Soda, among clean-cut gorillas I'm Tarzan, and of sick museums I'm the Cambodia 'Killing Fields' Memorial,
"Among Scientologists I'm Tom Cruise, among false prophets I'm Jim Jones, among hipster cops I'm Sonny Crockett, and among absurd inventions I'm the pogo stick,
"Among Years I'm the leap year, among obnoxious surfers I'm Mickey Dora, among guilty SOBs I'm OJ Simpson, and among bad movies I'm Chuck Norris's MIA,
"Among shit-out-of-luck ships I'm the Titanic, among those you don't want to piss off I'm Tony Jaa, among bad choices for a cell mate I'm A-Team's Mr. T, and among sources of the truth I'm Deep Throat,
"Among disgraced comebacks I'm Pee Wee Herman, among heavyweight boxing champions I'm Rocky (Marciano), among nut-case big wave surfers I'm "Double D" (Darrick Doerner), among great fights I'm Leonard v/s Hearns, and among lousy fights I'm Leonard v/s Roberto Duran,
"Among dancers I'm Chubby Checker, among successful preposterous-nonsense books I'm Harry Potter, among radical surf spots I'm Jaws, and among COOL songs I'm "Shapes of Things" by The Yardbirds,
"Among attacks I'm D-Day, among great tastes I'm yummy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, among lawyers I'm Ken Starr, and among mistakes I'm the Vietnam War,
"Among dead-as-a-doornail-chicks I'm Lady Di, among things to avoid I'm an Ice Berg, among things not to give your kids to play with I'm plutonium, and among great cartoonists I'm Don Martin,
"Among aliens I'm THE Alien, among monsters worse than the Alien I'm Ripley, among baby-boomers I'm Tim Leary, and among gnarly massacres I'm Mai lai,
"Among good reasons NOT to get born rich I'm J Paul Getty Jr., among dirt-bag generals I'm William Westmoreland, among all pains in the neck I'm Elliot Ness, and among sexy dudes I'm Zorro,
"Among crooks I'm Robert Vesco, among war mongers I'm Charlie Heston, among mice I'm Mighty Mouse, among Road-Runners I'm Beep Beep, and among jokes I'm the PUNCH LINE,
"Among camel-jockies I'm Lawrence of Arabia, among guilty-innocents I'm Phil freakin Spector, among great cowboy movies I'm Broke-back Mountain, and among all those in Hell I'm the goddamn Devil,
"...Suffice it so say I am all this! But if you REALLY want to understand My Supreme Powers and highest glories... Then check out this super-cool Swiss Army Knife!
"Know it for certain that what ever is good and nice in the world is but a reflection of My glories! And of what is bad and nasty in this world, well, you can blame that geek in N. Korea with the funny hair style!
So understand, man? Now pick up your piece and go massacre your family members to gain political control of the World.
[edit] PURPORT:
Up until this point in Krishna's story He's already killed just about more people than freakin' Hitler. So it's pretty unlikely that Krishna's gonna say, "Make love not war!" Daa!!! It doesn't take, like, a rocket surgeon to figure that one out. Still, there's probably some commie pinko knee jerk liberal that thinks Krishna should pretend like he's Mahatma Gandhi or something. Little did they know that the damn Muslims were gonna end up worse than the "reds". I mean, even that funny-haired dude in North Korea or North Shore, or wherever, like, even he's better than a freakin' terrorist. Good thing too, coz he's gotta few nukes hangin' out.
[edit] CONCLUSION
“Now pick up your piece and go massacre your family members to gain political control of the World!”
~ God on Hinduism.
[edit] See also
