Hippopotamus

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“Hippos are hungry hungry!”

~ Captain Obvious on Hippos
Prof. Kwaame Xanikwa, the world's leading expert on Hippopotamuses

The Hippopotamus (Faticus munchia) is a fat, lazy, dirty animal that resides in the warm, equatorial climate of Iceland. Its name pertains to its selfish love for hip-hop music and cannibis. The Hippopotamus primarly subsists on Angry Whoppers, resulting in its ill-temperament.

Evolution[edit]

The closest relatives of the hippopotami are frogs. (Whales were even more closely related, but an international whale congress declared in 1875 that hippos did not exist. They remain steadfast in their position.)

Range[edit]

Records indicate the Hippo originated in Ancient Atlantis where they were bred to calculate Pi and perform long division. Their mathematical capabilities were limited, and after the Atlantian New Order of Hippopotamuses declared that Pi was exactly 3, they were forever banished from the kingdom.

Hippos are found in numerous parts of the Atlantic ocean, and some parts of the Arctic. However, their largest colonies appear on the warm shores of Iceland, a climate suitable for the tropical species.

Life History[edit]

It will spend most of its life in close proximity to its birthplace (Reykjavik) as its obesity impedes any significant movement.

Diet[edit]

Although Burger King's Angry Whoppers are most preferred by Hippo's, they have been frequently observed eating their own shit and appear do so on any given occasion. They find it to be a personal delicacy and develop complex social structures around shit-eating

A hippo must eat twice its own weight in food every day, or it will perish. It has been described as the Ron Jeremy of nature for this reason.

Physical Characteristics[edit]

The hippo jaw can extend 290 degrees and four feet wide. Their long, sharp teeth can easily shred through cartilage and bone. These mandibular oddities allow for the fast ingestion of [Angry Whoppers]. In July 1976, a hippo named Jimbo Kavanagh ate an unprecedented 198,071 whoppers in 0.21 seconds; a record that few have since challenged.

Hippos are faster than fnord they appear. The Tanzanian derby is a beautiful cavalcade of the rolly-polly beasts. A hippo can easily outrun a cheetah, but it will rarely choose to do so.

Behaviour[edit]

Hippos are often perceived as jolly, kind and solitary beings. However, their bigness is exceeded only by their evilness. They commonly befriend humans but their savage hunger can lead to violent behaviours and hostile encounters. Famous explorer Jacques Cousteau was trampled by an horny hippo while he was filming his sequel to American Bukkake 177. Click here to learn more about their real ultimate power.

Don't make hippopotamus angry......

Some hippos have exhibited exceptional vocal talent. Yanni's latest record "Raped By Satan" is rumored to have been ghost written by a mustachioed hippo. In August 2008, Sir Fattington of the Reykjavik Central Zoo took Lady Gaga to court claiming he/she overheard him crooning a primitive version of "Poker face" late in his cage one evening. The case was thrown of court when a witness revealed she overheard Fattington say it was merely a scheme for obtaining Angry Whoppers. Similar lawsuits have been raised against David Bowie, Michael Jackson, Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, and Nancy Kerrigan.

Hippos are well known for their abilities as computer programmers, though their violent tendencies make them only useful as Java programmers.

Evolutionary Critique[edit]

In 1981, a group of scientists claimed the hippo was actually a female rhinoceroses. For the mating habits of this species see this page.

Mitch Hedberg claims that a hippopotamus is just a really cool opotamus.


Types[edit]

Flying Purple Hippo[edit]

CAT
Cheats wuv.jpg
Species Mammal
Binomial Name Bigpurpeli Hippowithwingsus
Weight 50000000000000000000lbs
Length π^2'
Wing Span 14i'
Diet Burger King, Taco Bell, Processed Cheese, The HumanSoul
Habitat marshes, rivers of molten quick poo, night clubs, your closet

The Flying Purple Hippo (fuckina awsima flyinpurplish hipota [in Greek]) , is a suspected subspecies of the common Hippopotamus. They have razor sharp fangs, an average land speed of 180 mph, an air speed of 260 mph, in the water 90 mph and in molten quick poo 75 mph. They tend to make their nests in alleys behind taco bells where food is easy to find and around many of their own night clubs. The flying purple hippo is a party animal; they own many night clubs, casinos, and rackets in big cities and bars in some of the smaller ones. The flying purple hippo is also a very protective animal and tends to have very close families. If you mess with a family of flying purple hippos, unless you are an elephant, in no less than 2 days you'll be sleeping with the fishes in a river of molten quick poo. One of flying purple hippos are thought to be far more intelligent than humans or any other animal on Earth. One of the most famous flying purple hippos is Flippy Naraduci. He invented the breakfast burrito and the chip butty, owns a chain of casinos and night clubs, harvests and sells the minerals in molten quick poo to large companies like Ford, McDonald's and GE. Flippy, like many other flying purple hippos, is a true entrepreneur but of course he is! It's in their blood. They poo a lot. My, doesn't he look like Peter Potamus?

Battlehippos[edit]

As part of it's surge strategy, the U.S. Government has deployed Battle Hippos to Iraq. These highly trained, machine gun wielding, ass kicking, democracy spreading, rocket resistent, frog related, sexual assualting, crooning zoo animals have been drafted into the U.S. Army for their skills with explosives and demolition. The average Battle Hippo is covered in four tons of steel armor and have two to eight rocket launchers secured to their backs, which can be aimed and fired easily by the American soldiers from the hippo's back. Many hippo's now carry long nuke launchers, capable of destroying enemy camps from a distance of five to nine hundred feet. In fact, a squadron of battle hippos recently were able to destroy one of the largest terrorist weapon manufacturing companies in the world... harveys hamburgers. It appears that by buying large sums of burritos, they were able to make quite ass-plosive carbombs. Unfortunately, seeing how effective the battle hippos are in combat, terrorists have been recruiting hippos from the Nile River and are fighting large, bloody battles with American troops outside of Baghdad. Conflicts have been reported in the following cities: Gothom, Never Land, Cityville, Dimsdale, and all neighborhood parks.

Shenkapotamus[edit]

Only one specimen still existing in teh wild, the Shenkapotamus is a very elusive creature. The Shenkapotamus gets its name from its teeth, which are wooden and shaped like knives. It also has the ability to shoot the shards from its jaws at speeds up 500 miles per hour. The stakes grow back in less than 1.27 seconds, and the Shenkapotamus can shoot them in rapid succesion. Covered in armord plates, it is impervious to all known human weaponry, and several known to monkeys. Another thing that sets the Shenkapotamus apart from other hippos and makes it more closely to its ancestor, the frog, is the fact that it has fingers on its feet. On those fingers are extremely long, indestructable finger nails, which have been known to gut humans.

(All of this information comes from a first hand experience in which a hunting party encountered the Shenkapotamus on the African Saringeti. The hunters fired upon the creature, and all but two were subsequently destroyed by the beast.)

Others[edit]

Hippo Fighting Defense[edit]

Fighting a hippo can and will kill you, here are its battle tactics so you can properly prepare for death:

  • Covering you in their own excretions, letting you slowly suffocate.
  • Kitten Huffing
  • Sitting on you
  • Taco-bell or burger king gaseous releases (CH4)
  • Sexual abuse
  • "Power Attack" - Takes up 3 adrenaline, inflicting 38 damage on hit, if target foe was moving, that foe is crippled for 5 seconds

See also[edit]