Hired goon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

The goons are an army of crack mercenaries. Their only desire out of life is to be allowed to practice their own form of religion, which is mostly concerned with talking in silly voices and eating Eccles cakes. If a goon works for a supervillain, he is a henchman.


The goons were formed in 1591 in Mediocre Britain, although they soon graduated to the Great version, around 42 days later. The original founder members were:

  • Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who provides the required dosage of gay Californian.
  • St. Peter who later left to pursue another religion of some sort, and has had no notable success since.
  • Jack Johnson who was forced out very soon, for being far too violent and souless to be a proper mercenary.

The original intention of the group was simply to provide evening entertainment for vikings, however this choice of target audience meant that the pillaging acts were always the most popular. This became the backbone of the whole program, and as a result when recruitment was started in ernest, most of the applicants were in fact warriors, rather than merely neurotics as was expected.

The natural response to this situation was of course to reposition the group as a hirable army, and drop the comedy aspirations altogether.

Recent Actions[edit]

Throughout the twentieth century, the hired goons have been called in many hundreds of times. They have even sometimes been offered permanent contracts. Spike, for example, was once hired to judge the annual "Best Neck Wound" contest in Poland, a job that led to a permanent contract as a force for evil in the universe, a possibility usually only open to the President of the United States.

Other notable goon actions have been attempted annexations of Vietnam and Iraq. Both of these actions were performed with the Goons' trademark idiocy, particularly so the Vietnam one, for which they forgot to even make sure they would get paid!

Quote Inspirations[edit]

Thanks to this being a line in The Simpsons, Dan Shive called his webcomic El Goonish Shive. He used gibberish followed by his last name.