Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.
This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II.
The history of history is historic. It generally repeats itself. As the very definition of history is that it is an event that has been written down, it follows that historians work from copies of their predecessors and only need to change the dates occasionally. Any difficulty in understanding this recursiveness leads to a "chicken or egg" discourse, which historians solve over an extended brunch of eggs and fried chicken, "southern" or Confederate style. For any laymen attempting to lay their hands on the original history text, so as to see what is going to happen next, historians have developed the Catch 22 defence, causing one's head to asplode. This is to safeguard their even more extended perpetual free lunch, the Holy Grail of all academics.
The current custodian of all historical texts is a closely guarded secret.
Areas of study
Of the 88% of all history that is either Nazis or the American Civil War, roughly three-quarters is about Nazis.
In general, if you insert the word Nazi into a text, it instantly becomes history.
For example, consider this recipe for goulash:
- 1 lb lean ground beef
- 4 cloves garlic
- 2 whole Nazi brown shirt thugs, unchopped
- 1 large yellow onion or white onion, minced
- 1/2 lb elbow macaroni
- 3 cans Campbell's tomato soup
- 1/2 teaspoon salt (or to taste)
- 1/4 teaspoon pepper (or to taste)
As you readily see, this is historic, because it makes reference to Nazis.
Odd Nazi stories
While Nazi references are good, zany stories about the Nazis are even better! We're not talking stupid stuff like efforts by British intelligence to show the Nazis were a bunch of butch queers. (Not to mention the British are pansies by hiding themselves on a little island.)
Nope, a really good, off-the-wall Nazi story has to have some sort of WTF slant, like "Tonight on the Hitler Channel, hear the true story of how close the Nazis came to building a tunnel to China and opening a second front to come to the rescue of the Japanese after the Battle of Leyte Gulf, and how Mao and Chiang Kai-Shek defeated it with the help of Gurkas, Sherpas, and Al Roker's great-grandfather, Ling Mai-Tsung."
That's real history there. The kind of shit people mainline, and then share with friends if there's any left.
Alternate Nazi outcomes of the war
Let's face it, zany-but-true stories about Nazis are for chumps. The kind of punk ass thing you see on Wikipedia from fourth year master's degree candidate who can't find an outlet for his thesis.
Really real history is about doing hour-long TV specials about possible alternate histories where the Nazis win the war.
|Tonight, on the Hitler Channel, find out what would have really happened had Harrison "Henry" Ford won the 1936 presidential election and brought America into the war on the side of Nazi Germany. [Cut to interview of alternate historian.] 'It's at this point Hitler surprises everyone by explaining that the Holocaust was just a really awful hazing ritual, and now the Jews would be accepted everywhere in Europe as true brothers.|
The American Civil War
Nazis, that's history, I guess. But, really, is there anything history if it doesn't turn into a big babblefest about America?
Hell, no. America is the greatest and most super duper historicalistic nation to ever crack this world in the ass!
Therefore, real history is the history of the coolest thing America ever did: cut itself in half and then put itself back together with a bare minimum of scarring and free negroes. That's right: the Civil War.
And when we talk about the Civil War, we're really talking about the Confederacy, because no one gives a rat's ass about the alcoholic, man-raping Union generals who just torched shit and made the South look bad in the process.
Really zany shit the Confederates tried
Even better than Lee and Jackson, who were practically a pair of sedated zombies, is the chronicles of goofy shit the Confederates tried to win the war.
This usually starts out with the Confederates trying to build a submarine to break the Union blockade. But, we're talking about Southerners, right?
So, eventually, it turns into a project to build a ladder to the moon and leave three divisions there with the intention of kicking Neil Armstrong's ass and then taking the Apollo 11 return module back to the United States and stomping the shit out of the surprised U.S. government before they can even react.
Fortunately, the only people who knew to type in this section were mildly retarded, just like Cuba Gooding Jr.
It's kind of gay to admit it, but Americans don't really get down to things like bearded lunar hillbillies plowing out of a space capsule, hijacking an aircraft carrier, and winning the Civil War 100 years after it ended.
Nope. Americans like to think that they—you and me, bucko, John Q. Public -- could have survived and thrived in a time without DirecTV Sunday Ticket and the most recent episodes of Lost, Law & Order, and Viva La Bam.
This means dredging up really long, antiquated prose written by guys with blue balls in gray uniforms, basically using super-secret Victorian-era ninja language to beg their old ladies to sneak out to the front lines and just give them a hand job before hostilities commenced.
|My dearest Sarah,
Ye olde heart dost acheth for thine fairest face-eth. Meow, meow, meow, bulurbity
blur blur. I do truly love thee. If but one more time I could verily breakdance
on my father's plantation, I could die and leaveth this truly awful war forever.
Your humble and obedient BDSM servant,
Col. Polyester Johnson,
11th Wisconsin Rifles
That right there—that's History with a capital H.
All this is correct. However it fails to note that the term History stems from the ancient Greek word Hysteria. The Y or "I Greek" as the French term it, is converted to an I and the rest of it is changed somehow. History is actually a psychological disorder involving Promotion behaviour and exaggerated or uncontrollable behaviour (hence most history involves war, celebrities/rulers and disasters). Any history that involves day to day activities and boring ordinary nobodies is not real history. This is termed Archaeology
About 1% of history pertains to romantic ideas driven by the notion that feudal Japan would have been a bitchin' place to live. Of course, this is not true, in light of the fact that most people in feudal Japan worked long hours in rice paddies, with utterly no ability to watch The View or Dr. Phil.
But, you draw me a caricature of a crazy-ass Jap with a sword, and I'll give you three kids who think that's a darn tootin' idea.
Thus, feudal Japan and its study are history, even if much of it only makes sense in the "No wonder we nuked those fuckers" context.
The art of the samurai is a sacred and ancient form of discipline. Training was hard for the samurai warriors but it was far beyond worth it as after their day of training they would sit down in front of the tv and enjoy a nice cold Victoria bitter as Vic is the best.
Apologizing for/to black people
About 3% of history is some form of apology for or to black folks. This usually includes things about the Negro League and how those black guys would have totally kicked Derek Jeter's ass if he mosied by the bar after the negroes had suffered a hard day of being black in the racist North of the later Industrial Age.
Cosmo magazine as history
This also sometimes called cultural history. Basically, instead of making a real effort to write history, which may require actually fucking research, you just go to the library and grab the oldest newspaper and magazine they have and write about whatever the ads have.
This accounts for nearly 3% of modern history, and is growing in amount.
|Tonight on the Hitler Channel, throughout the ages women have been beholden to the whims of men's raw pulsing beefiness. But, during the 1920s, electric hand-tools cause a revolution. The history of the 16-inch black dildo, at 8 pm tonight, only on the Hitler Channel.|
See? Doesn't that beat the ass off listening to how Charlemagne's empire was divided along lines of property, thereby damning the one good chance for the Dark Ages to end before Leonardo da Vinci invents the cordless drill?
Really dusty old shit from Greeks or Englishmen
Thucydides, Gibbon, all that crap. The balance of what's left. Do the math yourself. I'm tired of this boring shit.
The other 12% of history
Is basically divided into efforts to caricature an entire ethnic group into their oddest and most interesting selves, or to make people think differently about themselves today by rewriting what is accepted about the past.
What People say about History
“The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.”
“History is bunk.”
“Actually I said, 'History is more or less bunk.”
“Ha ha! Did I say, 'History is more or less bunk?' What I meant was 'Shut up.'”
“History is the study of the past and therefore not to be undertaken by forward thinkers as it is likely they will reverse time.'”