History of Alaska

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Alaska was founded in 1989 in honor of the birth of the new-age christ, Taylor Cavanagh. This great man ruled over the land for many a year, with an iron fist. The once peaceful eskimos were forced to work for no wages in sweat-shop conditions, making stuffed animals of all assortments.

After the Great Whale Plague of '94, almost 3/4 of the eskimo population was wiped out, forcing Taylor the Great (as he had come to be known) to travel to China and help "alleviate" their over-population problems. With his new legion of chinese slave-workers, Taylor delved into oil mining, making millions selling his rich oil.

This sparked the event known as the "gold rush," where thousands upon thousands of people rushed out to Alaska looking for gold. It is not known why drilling for oil sparked a gold rush, but nevertheless, Taylor's Alaskan border police immediately mowed down the oncoming hordes. 'Twas a glorious battle, as miniguns and RPG'swere opened up upon the masses.

Thousands of fat, poor, old hillbillies met their fate that day. However, it is a relatively small note in History, as not many people care about fat, poor, old hillbillies.

With the gold rush turned back, Taylor turned his attention to his enemy to the east, Canada. He was sickened by their multi-lingual country and allowance of the French language to be used. Plus he really hated William Shatner. Oh man, everyone hate him. Thus he turned his army upon the plague of the Earth, Canada, and charged into the country's Western border.

Even though Canada was slightly more prepared than expected, it didn't matter, as Taylor the Great cared not for the lives of his men. Frankly, the could all go jump off a bridge for all he cared. And he was quoted as saying so.

It was a close fight, with both sides rallying for dominance, but after Taylor the Great finally conquered Toronto in the battle that came to be known as "Riverdance," Canada was essentially done. After Toronto came Quebec, and thats where all the French people are.

When Taylor's forces arrived in Quebec, every single building had been abandoned. Alaska's top scientists came to the conclusion that the French had surrendered before the war had even really started, and left for a small island that has not been disclosed to the public.

With Canada defeated, Taylor the Great had effectively quintupled Alaska's land. So it was a natural move to rally to become an independen nation. However, Taylor was not a very common person, and he rallied for his newly increased Alaska become its own PLANET.

At this notion, many thought it ludicrous. However, they failed to take into account Taylor the Great's vast riches. Just to give an idea to the reader, they were VERY vast. He attached powerful rocket boosters to every square foot of the border of his new nation, and turned them all on at once. The blast from the rockets destroyed the rest of the Earth, so it was a win-win situation for Taylor. Alaska had moved nowhere, but it was now its own planet.


Taylor currently resides in his 4 mile-high spire in the middle of an ocean, and he had been quoted as saying he "Loves every minute of it."