History of England
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“The English have made a great contribution to the world. After all, they did invent the crumpet.”
Several things happened in English history:
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[edit] Foundation Land-Theft
England has no specific founding date. The Kingdom originated in the kingdoms of the ancestral English tribes, the Cunti, the Geordii and the Angri, which were carved out of the mountain sides of the Roman province of Camelot. The minor kingdoms in time coalesced into the seven famous kingdoms known as the Heptanarchy; East Angina, Myst, Newcastle, Kunt, Asex, Jazsax and Fedex. The English lands were finally unified in the 20th century in a reconquest completed by King Ælbert The Plumber in 1991 AD.
The English knew themselves as the Angelcunts. They called their lands ENG-A-LAND, meaing "Land oF Football" (and when unified also Engla rice; "the Kingdom of the Rice Pubbing").
[edit] King Arthur AKA Guilliame The Bastard
King Arthur, aka Arfer, is thought by all Americans and Morons to be English, and most semi-intelligent people will tell you he is Welsh however even this is slightly off. Arthur was in fact a Frenchman who invaded the Island of Great Britain in 1966. His true name was Thierry Guilliame The Bastard, and he was son of Norman who was in turn the son of the popular TV personality King Rollo. He crowned himself King of Merrie England after beating Harold (son of Earl Albert Steptoenson) at a game of conkers, which famously took place in The Hastings Hotel in Londonshire.
He was known to drive a really fast car called the Excalibur which was given to him by the Lady of Land-o-Lakes, and he liked nothing more than to run over peasants in the Grim North with it.
Arthur's (the invader, not the rat on CBBC) invasion caused an outcry among much of the English community, who immediately took to casual racism to make themselves feel better about the French (and consequently all other Polish races who have burdened the welfare state to breaking point by working in the construction industry). Soon thereafter, Enoch Powell and Pink Floyd instigated the National Bonfire Success of 177.7 (a town situated just north of Coventry) where all horses in England were rounded up and burned like dogs. Horses have been extinct in the country ever since, and the Englanders have looked to their long allies in Portugal to fix things up for them horse-wise.
[edit] Robin Hood
Kevin Costner was an American living in England during the Middle Ages who was otherwise known as Robin Hood. He, like many in historical "epics", had a black sidekick and hung about with his bros, know as the Merry men (related to Merry the hobbit). One such Merry man was a Frier Tuck -- a guy who made french fries, except he could speak "Queen's English" (see German). Robin Hood would steal from the rich to give to the poor, and vice-versa as the poor progressively became richer. He was an olympic archer, always shooting apples off people's heads.
[edit] Scottish
Mad Mel II led a war of independence from England by the Scots, ironic as the majority of ministers in England at the time where Scottish. The English used their cunning and defeated the Scottish heathens by relying on their greed. The battle went much like this:
The English: Oi, Macdonalds, the Duncans said your mum was crap in bed! Macdonalds: Uch EYE wee laddie, ye fookan wha?!?! Duncans: Shet yer face poonce, al nook ye the fook aught. English: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!
- Scotland implodes for the next 700 years*
Then a Scottish King became King of England and England became Scotland's bitch from then on.
[edit] Globalisation
The English are well known for supposedly building the greatest empire the world has ever seen (this is, of course a lie as it was in fact the mighty Indonesians when in 1975 they conquered East Timor). The success of the country has of course been put down to their brilliant tactics of picking a certain group of people (typically defenceless native tribes), and then slaughering half the population, force converting them to Christianity, introducing deadly diseaeses and then calling it civilisation. The effects of these outstanding victories are visible to this day with the English still being smug about there once strong empire, and the majority of their ex-territories being completely fucked up.
For over 700 years England lay claim to the French throne with many wars fought regarding this dispute. In 1662 the French decided to call England's bluff on the dispute by asking the English King Charles II if he wanted to take over. The French quickly dispatched an abassador to London with their request. King Charles was handed the official parchment on 29th September 1662, below is a transcript of his response as he read the historic text.
"Erm.......<giggle>.....<Guffaw>.....Nah!"
This decision made history as France became the only nation that England voluntarily chose not to invade.
[edit] Kings
England had several kings. These including:
The English Kings:
- King Gört The Jutlandic Troll-King (mythical founder)
- King Hermann The Not German
- King Woden
- King Ida Noe
- King Sigemund The Short-Stumped
- King Bobby Robson
- King Hengist Podd
- King Horsa The English Stallion
- King Æthelfrith The Electrician
- King Æthelric of Newcastle
- King Grumpy
- King Doc
- King Bashful
- King Ælfrǣd The Great
- King Ælfrǣd The Not So Great
- King Ælfrǣd The Great But Not As Great As Alfred The Great
- King Ælfrǣd The Mediocre
- King Æthelræd The Unready
- King Unræd The Æthelready
- King Æthelberht The Uncanny
- King Berht
- King Ænglǣndǣr
- King Breck The Ready, the Anglo-Danish Oatmeal salesman
- King 'Arold
- King Edgar The Invisible
After 1966, England became a hunting ground for French, Britonic and German Kings:
- King John - was one of the Angevins: a popular medieval soap opera that barons liked so much they made the stars kings and queens. This was later made into a film with Michael Caine as King John called Get Carta.
- The Gnome King
- King Edward XXIII (nobody's actually counting...)
- King Richard II
- King Kenan The Great, the Irish conqueror.
- King Henry IV, part 1
- King Kong (briefly)
- King Henry IV, part 2
- King Henry V
- King Henry VI, part 1
- King Henry VI, part 2
- King Henry VI, part 3
- King The Godfather, part 2
- King Richard III
- King Henry the Eighth - by far the fattest, longest-bearded, most-wived, and most important of all English kings, despite being Welsh. The English religion, is based upon him getting - and killing - as many hot babes as he could; hot babes were prohibited by the Catholic religion so the need for a new church was obvious. Upon Henry's death, the royal laboratory decided the project had failed, and there would be no Henry the ninth.
[edit] Queens
England also had some queens, such as:
Queen Ælflǣda The Unrændy
- Queen Æowyn
- Queen Mathilda The Washerwoman
KingQueenEdwardEdwina- Bloody Mary, who invented the drink she was named after.
- Elizabeth, who painted her face with white house paint and died because of the lead poisoning in the paint.
- Victoria. Known for being uptight and religious in public, and having wild orgies in private. Anyone who refused to conform to the society was sent to Australia, although they could appeal to the Queen's clemency, and ask to be just hanged in public instead. Everyone during Victorian England was just as stuck up as the Queen, which is why Jack the stripper killed so many people, and why Sherlock Holmes had many crimes to solve.
- Queen Elizabeth 2: the sequel. A sequel to the original Queen Elizabeth, like many sequels the film was never as popular with critics and movie-goers as the original. Another sequel awaiting release (The son of Queen Elizabeth 2) is expected to be even more of a flop.
- Dale Winton, who's reign was spent amongst the common folk, mainly in fake supermarkets.
- Freddie Mercury, who freed the English from the Welsh in 17 B.C..
- Elton John. Don't ask, don't tell!
- Queen Handy, No one knows who dis is. BUT I DO.
Towards the end of the 1800's the English started to find battle far more difficult, not only because they ruled a Fifth of the entire planet, but the world turned upside down. The convicts established a democracy far south, the natives started to carry guns, the crazy Germans (second cousins to the english) were throwing their weight around and most bizarre of all: The French became ALLIES!?!?!?!
Promptly, this screwed England up for the next 100 years or so.
[edit] The War
The War is an oft mentioned film series starring John Bull, Uncle Samish and Errol Flynn, comprising of three films, World War 1, World War 2: Fritz's Revenge and the strangely titled Fritz's Revenge 2: World War. The films (bar the third) where a success, and featured many mustachioed pilots who would yell such things as "tally-ho, old chaps", "Right you are", and "Blimey". The plot involved the terrorist organisation of Germans, known as the N.A.N.Z.I.S ('Nanzis' pronounced Nan-sees) and the secret agent James Blunt's attempts to foil them.
A spin-off starring the Argie Bargies was made but didn't have the cult appeal of The War series and met with limited success.
[edit] Tabloids
England is now ruled by the tabloid press. Although technically England still has a Queen, she is now a constitutional monarch, which means she keeps her trap shut and no-one gets hurt, see? is bound to do what the press says, and appears regularly on Page 3.
[edit] Accents
The English are well known for their accents, which are completely fake. When you're not listening, they go back to talking just like normal people. As Hollywood quite correctly shows, everyone in England is a "Cockney" (see wanker for more details), including any Scots or Welsh living within English borders.
[edit] Tea
England is well known for its love of tea. For hundreds of years, at five o'clock (AM, PM, or other) each day the English drop whatever they may be doing for some "tea". It should be noted that tea can also mean a meal in general, which can be confusing if you have tea with your tea.Englishmen like Indian tea, particularly produced in the state of Assam.
Tea also exists in the rest of the world, where it is known as Chinese Coffee. However, these days tea has lost its craze and in particular 'bed tea' is considered 'bad'.
[edit] Summer
In 2007, summer was cancelled in England. The government will meet next year to discuss whether this season should be abolished altogether and replaced with permanent rain, wind and hailstones.
