History of Humanity

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“Anyone faster than me is crazy and anyone slower than me is a wimp”

~ Oscar Wilde on the infamous race

The Human race began in 3000 B.C with Jehovah creating a white flash. He proceeded to make tiny winged monkeys so as to entertain himself by making them race each other. However, the winged monkeys bored him with their ability to fly at any speed they desired. Thus, he created a mutant breed by plucking off the wings. He named his creation Adam.

However, watching 1 guy race alone was even worse so after castrating and mutilating Adam, he tore out his ribs and created a new racer named Eve. Eve was way slower and thus decided to use a cheat code as instructed by some random animal. She ate the power-up, "forbidden apple" and owned the shit out of Adam.

Jehovah was furious at this as he lost his bet of half his power to his pet monkey, Lucifer, that Eve would be a loser forever. Thus, he threw his two mutated monkeys into a pile of shit known as Earth which he had made when he was three years old. Being a sore loser, he also banished the monkey to the center of the pile of shit. The two mutated monkeys quickly populated the pile of shit through incest, which caused all offsprings to become retarded, self-centred losers who were bent on destroying everything and also racing each other. They called themselves the homo-sexuals, abbreviated to humans, which continued the race.

The first homos(after being told to do so by the aliens), Chinese and Egyptians led the race. However, the Chinese were quickly overtaken by a group of mangos who were dumb losers. Egyptians, likewise, got owned by the Romans. This part of the race was extremely boring, with the Chinese trying to build a wall to keep others from overtaking, which people simply jumped over or painted lame graffiti all over. Egyptians also try to build big triangles to spawn zombies wrapped in toilet paper.

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