Hobart
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“I'm guessing that Hobart is the birth place of rats? .”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hobart
“Arn't there a couple of blokes stuck in a hole there? .”
Hobart (Hobartus MainLandiux) is a city located far from any working public toilets. The same can be said of its namesake Hobart, WA in the United States. Although, less people in Hobart, TAS have Hobart WA's accent(BAD). TRUE FACT- According to a recent survey, almost half of all Taswiegens are illiterate. Little known fact--- The Tasmanian devils are going to be extinct because of 1080 poisoning left there by Gunns, but the government won't tell the public because it's corrupt and is heavily influenced by Gunns. Not many taswiegens give two shits about the devils, though.
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[edit] What to do in Hobart
- Visit Franklin Square to see a large variety of people, including: Goths, Emos, Skaters, Punks, Stoners, Bogans and Inbreds. Miraculously, they all seem to get along fine! WARNING: Don't visit Franklin Square at night!
- Actually feel the joy of being able to breathe, in an area that hasn't been stuffed with pulp mills. (Yet)
- Feed the Bogans at Eastlands bus mall.
- visit bridgewater to get some action with their very un sexy laddies or men if you fall that way you poofs
- Get mugged by inbreds at the Hobart bus mall. Then watch them get mugged by other inbreds. Who then also get mugged.
- See fights between high school students in the City's bus mall.
- Choose from a wide selection of inbreds from Salamanca market.
- Buy from their surprising amount of Thrift Stores.
- Marvel at the fact that there are absolutely no Hot Topic stores.
- Despair at the fact that there are absolutely no stores!
- Inbreed
- Fish for mutated starfish off the wharf (they taste like inbreds.)
- Get asked for money from inbreds (who can't get a job because their stupid[like all Hobart people]). They say it's for the phone but you know it's not. Just give them how much they ask for or get bashed.
- See who can say 'penis' the loudest in Centrepoint before you get kicked out.
- Shoplift from Supré.
- Get raped, robbed and beaten by 'The Divines' (A Bogan Mafia family that are all inbred and inhabit an entire street).
- Go and visit the biggest Inbred family to yet enter the un-civilised half of Hobart(I Know the other half is bad enough)located at 7 Forster St, next to Pizza Hut. They are probably hanging out on the street, stabbing someone or mugging people at Pizza Hut and only getting Pizza (they're all inbreds). !!enter at own risk!!
- Never, ever go to Strickland Ave.!!!! Eveeeeer!!!! It is home to many inbreds and is commonly referred to as "The Ghetto". There are gang fights every night: you can practically buy tickets to watch the fights.
- Watch porn at Patrick Riley's house plz. It's hawtness for your needs!
- Don't forget to keep a Gun with you when venturing through Hobart at night!
- Go visit the Central Park(in America)(to get away from Hobart) toilets after nine, this is when 'Niggas' and 'Fat Guys' have their little so called 'Awesome pimp parties'
- (after sadly returning to Hobart)Come to Hobart (spell it right cock face it is H O B A R T. Theres the fucking Hobart educational standards for you) and watch a great bloke 'Ali Husari' skitz out on regular occassions. Good Fun!
- See the South beat the North in a game of who can spell Hobart. The closest has been South with 2 headed Tazzer.
- Marvel at the lack of grammar skills everyone in Hobart seems to have, as demonstrated on this page.
- Eat a banana while someone rapes you (in Hobart).
- Watch the bratz 50th movie made by ruby jay and gracie hurd.
- eat a turd sandwich i tried one there really yummy and easy to make (sometimes unless your constapated)
turd sandwhiches with diahrrea is really yummy( a Hobart person wrote that).
- go to Geilston Bay it is full of f***ing inbreds and 12 year old boys with inbred porn on there phone.
- Watch a mobile phone recording of two bogan ogilvie high girls beating the shit out of each other and cussing.
- eat a banana while getting raped oh i already said that (stupid hobaarht people repeating themselves)(yes they're pirates).
- see someone naked outside at a inbred's house.
- Smoke weed every day
- Laugh at the random guy with tiretz that walks through town, oh and Prof/The Bagman
- Have sex with a relative
- get death stared by bogans in half broken cars driving past
- Venture up to bridgewater, theres much to see. You can have a look at the middle age women sitting out on their balcony smoking a durry or watch the sad 28 year olds doing burnouts in their rusty old VK commodores.
- Lick the traffic lights.
[edit] Industry
All Hobart jobs are based in the local Coles store and it is here that every Hobart person must register as a 14 year old. Those caught shop-lifting prior to this age are moved to the Eastern suburbs and must survive on a complicated system of benefits until the 'Toe Date' arrives when they go to prison. Before this time, they work to create such structures as the Tasman bridge, a complex erection of interconnecting barnacles that has recently overtaken swimming as the preferred escape route.
Retirees can look forward to being hit by a bus, falling off the the Tasman Bridge, or spending all their money at Australia's first inbred owned casino and waking up in a ditch.
Unlike its name suggests, there are no real Hoes in Hobart, all the prostitutes being imported to the mainland. This has left all the Hobartians to do it with their sisters instead.
Yuppies can look forward to one day driving their Hobart bay tractor on a road that is made wholly out of dirt and some rocks. A select few of these vehicles will even have the four-wheel-drive mode used for more than just getting up their bloody steep road and/or driveway. Both those are the ones that get stolen and not crashed within 16 minutes.
Tourists are encouraged to visit Hobart, and are recommended to pay homage to the LeSum Mafia, who control the area between Hobart, and Brisbane. For an extra special visit, visit The Underpass, in Hobart, and admire the street culture and revolutionary ideals exhibited by the inbred masses.
Hobart's main industry export is culture, which is exported in fistfuls of joy to the faces of Hutchins students as they walk through the mall. The ability to hate Hutchins students because they wear pink as part of their school uniform is very easy to pick up. The Hutchins kind have also been known to be homosexuals (thus making it easier to laugh at them and tease them). They have been known to cry when people refer to their uniform as 'pink' instead of 'magenta', a colour no one has ever heard of! (It's actually fuschia, fuckers) An age-old chant made up about Hutchins goes: "Get a woman, get a woman, get a woman if you can, if you can't get a woman get a hutchins man!"(again with the pirates).
[edit] Summer in Hobart
Summer in Hobart lasts, on average, for approximately 3 and a half hours on February 11th.
Hobart has many festivals, each more aarrty, extravagant and unsuccessful at luring New Zealanders to the Main Land and making them eat their own shit than its predecessors.
The summer Hobart is tasteless, bland and full of tourists (a cheese made from the milk of Japanese senators). Summer in Hobart was planned to be bought by SBAC (Some Big American Company) but the bid was unsuccessful when the local Current Affair shows ACh (Adam Curry Hobart) and TodayTonight (Tee Offal Darts And Yes Time Out Now I'm Going Home Ta-{ta}) ate the SBAC executives alive on national television.
It has long been suggested that summer in Hobart is a feeble attempt by nature to make up for the terrible mistakes it made earlier, including the introduction of roadkill as a national foodsource, and the ability to suck one's own assets. Summer in Hobart also attracts record numbers of people who aren't locals, most of them forced to attend in the hopes of them telling their friends.
Hobart boasts many great traditons, such as the bimonthly Taste of tassi, which involves eating dirt, skin cells, drinking wine formulated from the urine of Jesus' pig (namely Mt. Ozza) and getting their lungs screwed over from asbestos and old people smell.
Hobart has proudly been the location of the end of the Sydney to Hobart Race, which leaves from ya mom. The end of the race is significant, because for some it is when the boats stop sailing. It has become tradition for the winning boat to not even dock before returning to Hobart, breaking their hull on King Island and being eaten by the local Kyoto Signing Traitors.
The best thing about Hobart's summer festival is the new year's eve celebrations, which welcome in the new year with one firework for each number in the new year's value. The 4 fireworks cost more than the value of all of Hobart, and are stolen from Melbourne, just because Sydney can(although only just).
One of the great industries of Hobart is hair-dressing. This is where the hair is contoured to the shape of the person's head. On the Main Land this is known as a Mullet - named after the great Sydney Guy who discovered the clinical benefits of nuclear fallout and a good prison beating, Sir Edmund "Rousedabout" Mullet. On the Main Land this is known as the Caste Style - all ruling members of Sydney have a special gene that causes the hair to flare into the pose of Mrs Palmer and her five daughters.
[edit] Trivia
- Hobart was originally three inches taller but sunk in 2000 when it hosted the Winter Olympic Games
- Hobart has one daily newspaper but no-one reads it and it is in fact created randomly using David Bowie's personal lyric generator.
- Hobart cannot generate its own weather, but imports it from Argentina under the Free Trade Agreement.
- Hobart does not recognise Christmas, has 31 days in February and has no edges. It is also lighter than air and would float away if everyone left. It is this damaging levitation, and the large number of people who would leave if they could, that led to the current site of the prison. This ensures at least 50% of the population will remain at all time and has become both the geographical and cultural centres of the city.
- Hobart is commonly referred to as 'hole,' 'so Inbred it's almost considered sheepshagtopia' and 'Whaaaa?'(becuase the inhabitants can't speak proper english)
- Hobart is more commonly referred to as 'hole' than Launceston and has also at times been termed 'nobart' by the people of Launston in reference to its time-saving and environmentally-friendly recycling of the genetic pool.
- Hobart has a 'friendly' rivalry with Launceston, a town 200km to it's north. This rivalry is quite simple and inane, e.g. "You're incested!" "No you are!" or "We have the AFL!" "We have the cricket!" or "Our beer is better than yours!" "No it isn't!". Researchers into this rivalry have all come up with one conclusion: hobaart peole are n00bs ank launcesteoneon popeles kunt spil.
- In some cases people of the area have contracted a disease called "God-I-Have-To-Get-Out-of-Here-itis" and feel compelled to move to Tasmania before the hellhole that is Hobart sinks.
- The last Australian Census showed tassi people now have an average of 2.2 heads. A Significant decrease from the 2000 Census result of 2.8
- Hobart 2007 farting under 15's have chlamydia in the genital region.
- There has been an increase of 1893% of men going into Flamingos. This is deeply disturbing.
- It is believed that Bart Simpson founded Hobart in the early 90's, a myth many Hobart people still believe to be true. Bart has denied all alligations of being a ho. The reality is that Hobart was named by a Simpsons fan who had an obsession with Homer and Bart, so he combined both their names to create Hobart.
- It is beleieved that Tasmania is the deepest hole in all the universe.
