Hockey
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- For the game played by loyal fans, see Ice Warfare.
“It's hockey, not ice hockey, idiots!”
~ Canadians on hockey, not ice hockey
“I have a dream that one day more than two Black people will play the sport of hockey. But I won't be one of them. Too cold for me.”
~ Martin Luther King on hockey
~ You on Canadians invading your hockey rink
“I'm not wearing hockey pads!”
~ Batman on Hockey
Hockey is a popular Canadian style of street fighting. Because black people dominate nearly every other sport, Caucasians have made sure to protect hockey from them at all costs. For example, the NHL over-reacted to Chris Rock's joke, "Once they make a heated hockey rink, we're takin' that shit, too" by dismantling the heaters from every ice arena. This overly-cautious attitude caused hockey to lose much of its luster, and the sport is now bringing in ratings lower than "Bingo Live!" on ESPN the Ocho. Today, no one cares about hockey, except Canadians.
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[edit] Rules of Play
Hockey is fought between two teams each consisting of 20 fighters and a goaltender. At least 10 of the fighters must be Canadian. The 20 fighters are divided into four specialized lines, each consisting of 5 players:
| First Line: | 2 Wingers | 2 Defensemen | 1 Ape |
| Second Line: | 3 Astronauts | 1 Lawyer | 1 Seeker |
| Third Line: | 3 Eskimos | 1 EMO | Wayne Gretzky |
| Fourth Line: | 2 Amorfos | 2 Chinese | Willem Dafoe |
The objective is to kill all enemy fighters. The Eskimos and Chinese are worth triple points. The fight consists of three periods of 17 minutes and 9 seconds. In some games, less than 3 periods are needed to determine the victor. In the event of a tie, a final "Puck-Off" occurs, in which breaking the opposing team's teeth becomes the primary goal.
A secondary objective is to score goals. In the event that both teams lose all fighters, the team that has the most goals loses the game. A tertiary objective is to avoid killing the referees, although this is merely honorific and no awards are given for it.
Before fights in Detroit, a squid is often thrown onto the ice. It tries to devour as many enemy fighters as possible. There have been questions about the integrity of this practice, but it has been ruled legitimate because there is nothing else that's fun to do in Detroit.
[edit] Equipment Required
Each fighter is given a light saber, except for the lawyer, who carries a gun.
The wearing of pads is optional, but many fighters have shields powered by generators on Forest moons. Ewoks can also be used as protection, except in the NHL, where it is prohibited. Eskimos are allowed to use their pet polar bears, as long as they are not actually two or more Ewoks duct taped together.
[edit] Controversy
America and Hockey... America = More money for less talent. Buy from the Canadians.
Canadians and Hockey... Canada = Less money for more talent. Sell the worst to America, unless you're in Edmonton, which trades the good players away for a bad deal that ends up destroying the team.
There have been rumors about the "League" which supposedly abducts small children and then transforms them into meat puppets. These meat puppets have roughly the same amount of skill as an American Hockey player.
Hockey and Beer, the most wonderful of combinations. Funny to watch and fights occur very often. The boards which surround the rink aren't designed to stop the puck from hitting people. It's to stop people from beating the crap out of players and refs.
Another great thing about hockey is Rassentrasser. I never have to do any more work in corners. I hate Rassentrasser now. I tried to take canned pears and he stole my YOP. It made me mad.
[edit] History
Hockey is thought to have originated in ancient Greece. During their winter break, many Greeks would take vacations up north in what is today Sweden and Russia. When the lakes froze over, the Greeks would undress down to their sandals (unless it was dangerously cold) and play a game strikingly similar to hockey. The local population were intrigued by this sport and adopted it as their own. However, because they were heterosexual and not as crazy, they decided to keep their clothes on while playing.
The first modern hockey team was the infamous Migtyous Powerus Rangers (not to be confused with the New York Rangers or New York Islanders), which formed in 1867. At first, people went to them mainly because they thought they were at a boxing match, but then a hockey game broke out. The story continues from there.
[edit] Famous Hockey Players
There are a few famous Ice Hockey players. They are:
- Willem Dafoe
- God: The Vancouver Canuck's Saviour. Goes by the name Roberto Luongo.
- The Great One: I met him once. He was great.
- Alex Ovechkin: The other great one.
- Sidney Crosby: The Jewish one. (See NHL Rules)
- The Pretty Good One: Not quite as Splendid as the Other Chap One.
- The Meh One.
- Miroslav Satan: He goes by Satan.
- The Pocket Rocket: He's not just happy to see you.
- Andy Gill: The inventor of the mullet
- Sergé Lucienne LaFrenchie
- Don Cherry: Dresses like a cross between Captain Kangaroo and Liberace
- Tie Domi: That guy that likes to fight
- Sergie Fedorov: The first Russian to elude the communist Swine Richard Nixon and join the NHL
- Happy Gilmore: He left hockey for a career in swearing/golf
- Lomaoasjk Speausidhb: He started as a flute player
- Ken Dryden: The alter ego of Jason Voorhees
- Reggie Dunlop: Known to fuck his opponent's wives and announce to everyone on the ice that she's a dyke.
[edit] Famous Black Hockey Players
Yeah, didn't think so
[edit] See Also
- Don Cherry
- National Hockey League
- Montreal Canadiens
- Ottawa Senators
- Red Wings
- Toronto Maple Leafs
- Stanley Cup
- Hockey Night in Canada
- New York Rangers
