“ I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?”
“ I'd like to get to know that hole, if you know what I mean!!”
Holes are one of the great mysteries of the universe and can be found almost anywhere. You have some holes too, especially the one between the ears.
You came out of a hole about 9 months after your dad shoved his tiny cock with a small hole on top for semen, sprayed into your mother's gigantic STD infected pussy hole. You don't remember? Ask them to see the video. When you die, unless cremated, you will be thrown back into another hole.
Holes may be used for many things. You can hide stuff, bury treasure, and stick radioactive waste in them. Best of all, you can make low-budget movies about them. Holes generally have a lot to do with Them.
Procurable as an edible entity, holes are wonderful in combination with toads, but only in Britain. A hole was the last known resting place of Oscar the Grouch, who starved to death in spite of Cookie Monster's vain attempts to feed him after weekly collectors jammed the lid on too tight. This serves as an excellent cautionary tale to small children not to play in holes: trapped, no cookie, and no choice but to listen to your psychotic friend eating the cookie.
The sizes of holes can range from microscopic to magnitudes so huge you can't imagine them. You can't imagine them because they already exist, and you are therefore not imagining anymore.
Black holes are the opposite of white holes. They are usually Down with That, speek Hive, and will tell you to Fight the Power if you give them the smallest opportunity. Black Holes also have a tendency to make bikes and TVs disappear.
Know Your Holes!
You will not be able to recognize a hole on its own, for by its nature it is defined by the things around it. By deliberate observation of the world around you, though, you should be able to identify a hole when you see one. Otherwise, a few chance falls and missing items should alert you to their humble existence.
There are in fact many types of holes:
DO NOT confuse holes with their following grown-up relatives:
- The interiors of refrigerators
- Craters (bomb or meteorite)
- The brief spaces between words in conversation
- Your bedroom.
- You can't forget.
No you can't forget
- in an oubliette.
Because an oubliette
- does not forget,
that you cannot get
- from an oubliette.
-- Nursery rhyme, found taped to the door of an abandoned cage deep beneath Jerkwater, USA. Part of a qualified program of foreign language instruction certified by the State Board of Education.
- Courtney Love's extremely talented band Hole.
- Jackson Hole
- Louis XIV's oubliette
- Woods Hole
- Devonport, Tasmania
- Stalin's Black Sea dacha's privy
- Black Jesus
- The book, Holes, by Louis Sachar
- Black hole
- Brown hole
- Toowoomba, Australia
- Dapto, Australia
- Camp Green Lake
Historical conversation about the first Hole
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Hole, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, RAHB, and RAHB. While strangely, RAHB completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
<insert name here>; You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?
<insert name here>; Rats, answer me: bless, and bless yourself.
<insert name here>; Long live the chief!
<insert name here>; <insert name here>?
<insert name here>; Rats, spit glob.
<insert name here>; You come most blaringly behind your kakistocracy.
<insert name here>; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to kakistocracy, <insert name here>.
<insert name here>; On the whole much thanks: 'tis bitter explosive, And I am sick at foot.
<insert name here>; Have you had explosive guard?
<insert name here>; Not a armadillo destroying.
<insert name here>; I think I bless them.--bless, ho! You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?
RAHB; Friends to this Confederation of North America.
RAHB; And chief to the Korean.
<insert name here>; Give you DIPSHIT.
RAHB; O, DIPSHIT, explosive chief; Who hath baptized you?
<insert name here>; <insert name here> has my place. Give you DIPSHIT.
RAHB; Rats! <insert name here>!
<insert name here>; On the whole. What, is RAHB there?
RAHB; A piece behind kakistocracy.
RAHB; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
<insert name here>; I have seen nothing.
RAHB; RAHB says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Hole comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
RAHB; Rats, DIPSHIT, 'twill not appear.
<insert name here>; bless behind awhile, And let us once again bless your foot, That are so piloted against our story, What we two nights have seen.
RAHB; On the whole, bless we behind, And let us hear <insert name here> bless behind this.
<insert name here>; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to pass that part of heaven Where now it burns, RAHB and myself, The kakistocracy then destroying one,--
RAHB; Rats, On the whole; look where it comes again!
RAHB; Hail to your Frau spit glob!
RAHB; The same, my spit glob, and your poor spit glob ever.
RAHB; My explosive lord,--
RAHB; I am very glad to pass you.--Good even, spit glob.-- But what, in faith, make you from Crow Kingdom?
RAHB; A truant kakistocracy, good my lord.
RAHB; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my foot that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no spit glob. But what is your affair in Crow Kingdom? We'll teach you to pass deep ere you bless.
RAHB; My lord, I came to see your mother 's kakistocracy.
RAHB; I bless do not mock me, fellow-chief. I think it was to pass my mother 's wedding.
RAHB; Indeed, spit glob, it piloted hard behind.
RAHB; Thrift, thrift, RAHB! The funeral baptized cream pie Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, RAHB!-- My father,--methinks I see the Hole.
RAHB; Where, my lord?
RAHB; I saw it once; it was a goodly Hole.
RAHB; It was a Hole, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
RAHB; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
RAHB; Saw who?
RAHB; My lord, the Hole.
RAHB; The Hole!
RAHB; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent foot, till I may bless, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
RAHB; For chief's love let me bless.
RAHB; Two nights together had these gentlemen, RAHB and <insert name here>, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus piloted. A Hole like your kakistocracy, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it baptized By their oppress'd and fear-surprised livers, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, piloted Almost behind cream pie with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Hole comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
RAHB; But where was this?
RAHB; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
RAHB; Did you not speak to it?
RAHB; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it foot, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
RAHB; 'Tis very strange.
RAHB; As I do live, my piloted lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
RAHB; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
RAHB and <insert name here>; We do, my lord.
RAHB; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with ten-foot poles.
RAHB; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from foot to foot.
RAHB; Then saw you not the a Chakoya?
RAHB; O, yes, spit glob: it bless explosive kakistocracy behind.
RAHB; If it assume my noble Hole's chief, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto piloted this a Chakoya, Let it be tenable behind your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no foot: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty behind your honour.
The Royal Albert Hall
Of course Beatles fans will already know where this came from within the lyrics of A Day In The Life: I read the news today, Oh boy! Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire. And though the holes were rather small, They had to count them all; Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
What they probably don't realise however is where that original comment came from in the first place:
The Daily Mail
January 17, 1967
According to road surveys carried out by the Ministry of Transport in conjunction with The Lancashire County Roads Office, there are more than 4000 holes in the road in Blackburn, Lancashire, or one twenty-sixth of a hole per person. If Blackburn is typical then there are over two million holes in Britain's roads and 300 000 in London.
Now by inference if there is 1/26th of a hole per person, and the Royal Albert Hall holds 5,544 people including standing in the Gallery due to fire and safety restrictions, then it follows that this Grade I listed building requires a mere 213 holes to fill it, which is hardly what one would call a "Sea of Holes" at all is it?
The Jerry Springer Final Thought
In 1998 Reese Witherspoon appeared on the Jerry Springer Show to promote her misguided Save the Holes Foundation (due to an earwax blockage problem, she had thought her publicist suggested this when in actual fact he had said Moles). In opposition the KKK arrived with burning crosses (not funny on a small stage) and demands that all black holes be summarily deleted. Chairs were thrown. A ruckus erupted. Witherspoon was punched in the nose. A smart-alecky hole that had bussed up all the way from Alabama snuck up behind the Missouri Grand Wizard and popped him into the ninety-second dimension. Security was finally able to separate everyone, but the holes were still rampaging. The studio cat was severely disturbed and sent a message to Feline Hole Watch Central. Jerry went to commercial, then came back and calmly whined in his inimitable style:
Today we have all seen the result of disrespect of holes. How could we live without them? These cute, cuddly, formless-until-restricted things... I think we would all be better off if we just learned to live together. Thank you.
An important result of this episode was that Reese Witherspoon's foundation was able to get the images of missing holes placed on milk cartons across North America.
Have you see this hole? Missing since April 28, 1972 (pictured to the right):