Holiday Hawk

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“Well, sure, he's a hawk, but there's nothing holiday about it...”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Holiday Hawk
The Holiday Hawk in one of his rare public apperances
The earliest known photo of the Holiday Hawk.

The Holiday Hawk is a hawk with a deep booming voice, which reminds one of Bill Clinton or Jesus Christ if Clinton or Jesus had a deep, booming voice. He is known for living in George W. Bush's liver. He is not known for his non-existant sexual relationships with Paris Hilton and Elmo. Hawk recently appeared in an ad for some bullshit drink that pales in comparison to Hawk himself.

The Early Years[edit]

Oprah Winfrey
Some guy.

Hawk was born in Ted Kennedy's colon in 1749 to Oprah Winfrey and some guy, who can be seen on the left. His name stems from some guy's father's cousin's uncle's former roommate's pet cat. The cat could not be reached for questioning about what kind of retard would name his cat "Holiday Hawk". After years in Ted Kennedy's colon, the family moved to Randy Newman's left testicle in 1978. At the tender age of 229, Holiday Hawk starred in his first film, playing Darth Vader's Jewish cousin Billy Bob Joe Dan Jack in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

A relationship with Elmo?[edit]

In 1999, Sylvester Stallone bought Holiday Hawk George W. Bush's liver with his money. Shortly afterwards, Elmo claimed that Hawk was his homosexual partner. Hawk denied this, stating that the only gay thing he'd ever done was masturbate to firey flopping fish. Elmo later revealed it had been a hoax, and that Hawk was actually dating Dora the Explorer.

The cat that Holiday Hawk is named after.

Scientology Incident[edit]

Hawk has recently come under attack by Scientology for his ad, because, apparently, singing Christmas carols is against their religion. While they probably should have been telling that to the retards on their front porch, they find that lashing out at an innocent bird is more useful. Hawk has vowed to get his revenge on Scientology one of these days.

One of these days came all too quickly, as Hawk recently attacked a group of Scientologists in California. Scientologist and world-renowned sheep-fucker Tom Cruise has declared war on Hawk, though it's not likely that a pussy like him could ever do anything right.

Current Life[edit]

Recently, Holiday Hawk appeared in an advertisement for some crappy drink. The name of the drink does not matter, as the advertisement would have been awful if they had gone with the original choice, Exploding Dr. Phil.

Exploding Dr. Phil.

Today, Holiday Hawk spends most of his time plucking a banjo in Dubya's liver. You can reach him at 555-555-5555. Or not. I don't know.

Things Said About the Holiday Hawk[edit]

“Fo' shizzle, dawg, Hawkie bo-ee's da marmoset Juicy Juice gay poop fart.”

~ John Cena on the Holiday Hawk

“I love all of my sons, but, if I had to play favorites, I'd pick him.”

~ God on the Holiday Hawk

“The Holiday Hawk is a Bird!”

~ Captain Obvious on the Holiday Hawk

“Can anyone find a more Godly bird than him? I DON'T KNOOOOW!”

~ Lex Luger on the Holiday Hawk

“This is the dawning of the rest of our lives... ON HOLIDAY! (hawk)!”

~ Green Day on the Holiday Hawk

“Look upon him and know him, crackaz.”

~ Black Jesus on the Holiday Hawk

“It's SILLY. Very SILLY indeed!”

~ Graham Chapman on the Holiday Hawk

Trivia[edit]

  • Experts say that, if the Holiday Hawk, Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Rocky Balboa, and Dog the Bounty Hunter were to join forces, it would kick ass.
  • Hawk is known to eat the flesh of children who were born without lungs. At least, he would be, if it wasn't for the fact that they don't exist. Hawk has been quoted as saying that this is only a minor road block on his path to eating these non-existant children's flesh.

See Also[edit]

Tomcruiseanimated.gif This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous