Holland

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Rijk der Nederlanden
Empire of Overlord J. van Groningen
Holland
http://www.denhaag.nl/pics/bsd/stadskrant/vrijheid!.jpg http://www.potjebier.nl/afbeeldingen/wallpaper/Bier/heineken_01.jpg
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Clogging up Europe's motorways with our trailers since times immemorial"
Anthem: "Cheese and Tulips"
Capital Cheeseville
Largest city Pot-town
Official languages In order of number of people speaking them: English, German, Arabic, Indonesian. Surinamese, Frisian and Dutch.
Government Despotate
Infinite Leader Harry Potter
National Heroes Maradonna, Rutger Hauer, Arend Glas, Pablo Escobar, Dirkjan, Bokito, Dries Roelvink and Fokke and Sukke
Independence January 30, 2007
Currency Pot
Religion Jolingism, Europeanism Nihilism, Bournivalism, Satanism, Cthulhu-ism, Bokito-ism, Alcoholism
Education Drugs and hypnotherapy based

Holland is t3h b3st country in Frisia. It is lead by the national-socialistic Joop Glimmerveen. The capital of this country is said to be Den Bosch,and even though most of the world and the UN believe it is true, it is only what the crab people want us to believe. In reality Den Bosch consists of a holographic projection and a partial parallel dimension of Den Bosch. The holographic projection is projected from Malta with Soviet equipment which the crab people stole when the Soviet Union wasn't looking. The actual center of crab-government is based in Berlin. To avoid military actions from Belgium and Ukraine, the top of Almelo looks like a small, poor town, but deep underground the crab people have dug their Capital and military base. Rumours say it provides a save home to a guesstimated 20 million crabs, but due to the high levels of radiation, proof has yet to be found. Although some think it was invaded by Germany in World War II, this are just meaningless lies. The truth is that Holland was in alliance with Germany since the noobs takeover in 1327 in The Great War, and was given to the crab people as a sign of friendship. Germany used Holland as a staging ground to attack western Europe whist the crab people stayed safe in their underground kindgdom. For the most part the dutch were spared by Germany as thanks for cooperating with the german war machine, which they mistook for a really big bicycle. The human inhabitants of holland (the 'dutchies') are either mindless slaves of the crab people or foreigners. The entire workforce of this country was leased from Poland.

Tourism[edit]

Originally, tourism was looking at the fields of flowers and windmills, now its destined to be, Holland, the new Atlantis. Many people are waiting for it to open which wont be long as the water will come in and destroy the country. The new Atlantis will be the equivalent of Las Vegas with 12 casinos, looking at dead Holland tours, the history of wooden shoes museum. More quickly, tourism will include 'Disaster tours, watching the first New Orleans like disaster in Europe'.


Furthermore, most people who visited this huge country with its beautiful windmills, tulips, cows, and pink sheep believe it is a far greater experience when you combine it with the county's most favorite brain enlarger, called B52 (not to be mistaken for the American bike that flies). there have been frequent reports of people flying out of their tourbus after the first stop at the woodworks shop in North Brabant (also known als the "appendix" of Holland), right next to the one of the biggest tea houses in whole of Europe, a beautiful building in the shape of a huge cock (with smoke coming out of the top, making it look like an endless ejaculation). Also Amsterdam fucking rocks.

Geography[edit]

Holland was definitely not created by the Germans, although they like to think so. Their great engineering skills and "beerfesten" made them create the Netherlands. Here they could go and dig holes and steal bicycles. After a while Germans kept staying in the Netherlands and turned into the Hollish, after swapping their stinky Saxon boots for some comfy ecological wooden-based shoes, called "sabots" or "clogs of war" (the military version). After "The Great Hole War" they gained independence, by kissing some good German ass. But today, big parts of Holland are considered to be "German". It is called "The Amersfoort fault" because beyond this point you think that you entered Germany but you are still in Holland.

"The Amersfoort fault" is also a natural fault between the inhabitants with a deathwish and on the otherhand the more smart ones. To the west of this fault you live below the sea level and get wet twice a day because of the tides. On the east side of the fault you stay dry.

The east side of the fault is not plain but filled with mountains like the Mount Everest, Mount Rushmore and of course the great mountain of Vaals. In this mountain all the great kings of our monarchy (like Bassie en Adriaan, Ron Jans and Peter R. de Vries to name a few) are carved out with a teaspoon (it is tradition and we don't like to change traditions).

On the west side of the fault you can find the real Holland. Although people suffer from wet feet from the day they are born, they don't live in the nicest part of the country. Every morning they get up, eat their cheese with coffee (the mix is very famous) and ride their cows to work. In the monsoon time the cows cannot be used as transport, and in that time the real Hollanders take a huge giant clog. In these times it happens a lot that a clog, or wooden shoe, gets stuck in the sewer system, which of course must be "unclogged" in such a case. The west side of Holland is also known as: Neanderthal Country

Another division are the great rivers; the Rhine, Rio Grande, Nile, Paraná and Volga divide Holland in north-and south. Where past the Amersfoort fault you think you are in Germany, you get the idea of being in Belgium once you cross the great rivers. This is mainly due to the intelligence level of the locals, and recent research has indeed proven that if these southern provinces would become part of Belgium, the average IQ of both Hollish and Belgian citizens would plummet.

After 2017, the west part of "The Frisian fault" will be flooded and Oss declared capital of the Netherlands. The submerged part of Holland will be called "Atlantis".

Hollish has been brought forward contributed by three major spoken languages. Freeze, German and Swedish. The mixture out of these are what we today call Hollish. The influences of the past decennia indeed brought some minor changes into the language such as Creole [Antilles] Turkish [Turky] marocan [haven't got a clue where that lies but what the heck, its an ethnic minority and yes...... muslim]and due to the influences of the imperialists....... yes those $$#@##$ yanks some English to.

Latest news about the 'Amersfoort fault' that has been dealed with by ditching it since we Hollish are very resourcefull and have learned from the imperialistic faults cauled building million people conglomerates build on the San Andreas fault......how fault can that be? Food for thought for a change aint it?

One should also know that Holland has another language called 'Frisian' which is spoken in a Northern province called Friesland (Or Fryslan, or westerlauwerland, or Rotzooi). Friesland is located in the frozen northern wastelands of doom and is the sole cause that turned Abdul Alhazred,the Arab writer of the Necronomicon howling mad. One day this Frisian Empire will reclaim "their" lost "Netherlands", as is described in the fifth paragraph of the Necromonicon. People from Friesland like to think they are an independant province with their own official language, however they are usually on pot, and because they are dangerous while on pot, we (the other provinces of Holland) let them believe this. They, are, however, made fun of by the remainder of Holland, as well as the Tokkies.

Yet, the Dutch language had made a most profound influence on other major languages, thus thoroughly embedding most important characteristics of Dutch nation into English language, for example, this can be best depicted in two phrases that are since middle ages present within English language - "LET's PAY DUTCH ( Meaning: I'm too tight to pay for you ) and "DUTCH COURAGE" ( Meaning: I'm so scarred I must resort to alcohol )

Major Cities[edit]

The major cities of Holland are:

  • Leeuwarden Famous because their Frisia-finances, that has won many prices in the champions league of chicken shit pussy asshole's.
  • Itens The official capital of Holland founded in the early hundreds, this city made Holland into the supreme faction it now is.
  • Weidum The central business city of the kingdom of the Netherlands. Here are many possibilities for dark businesses and red businesses, but also for terrorists.
  • Almere Built on the foundations of Atlantis. Most historic place in the country.
  • Alkmaar The place where rain always falls and where life just doenst get any better
  • Amsterdam The main capital of Holland, inhabited completely by stoners and prostitutes. For tourists arriving by train, you want to turn right outside the station.

Beware: once you enter Amsterdam, you can never leave (this is called being "Amsterdamned").

  • Anderdam In English "Otherdam," a city lost to flooding in 1820, attested in English literature in a referencce to the "Amsterdam Dutch, the Rotterdam Dutch, and all the Otherdam Dutch."
  • Tinte The Metropolis of Holland. It's the biggest city of the Netherlands.
  • Annefrankhuis (founded by Anne Frank in order to get tourists to come to Holland)
  • Amstelveen just rocking and chilling.
  • Arnhem scene of one of the most bitterly fought battles in the Second World War - between the Paras on the one side, and the Guards Armoured Division on the other. To this day the Paras have not forgiven the Guards for completely shafting them at Arnhem. Incidentally, check the football before visiting, as you do not want to be in a Dutch border town if Germany and Holland are playing each other.
  • Assen is the place where everything happens somewhere else. Once a year migrating Hells Angels on their annual trek take a break here.
  • Berlin The actual center of crab-government.
  • Beverwijk This city single-handedly conquered the complete coastal area. In present day the beach is known to sell the best pot. But BEWARE! Evil germans lure around in submarines to destroy you.
  • Barneveld The Islamitic Capital of Holland. Also they invented the egg. What was first? The Chicken or the Egg? Ask the people from Barneveld.
  • Bronckhorst
  • Bruinisse
  • Brussels This has been included in this list purely with the intention of annoying any Belgians reading this article.
  • Bussum Currently the beating heart of Noord-Holland, snobbery was first discovered here in 1873.
  • Delfzijl This is the hart of operations of the BWOGS (Bond voor WereldOverheersing door Groningse Superioriteit) Eng: SWDGS (Society for World Domination by Groningse Superiority)
  • Den Helder Know for its big naval base and even more for the millions of immigrants who originally came from the Dutch Antilles. The people, know as "Antillianen" like to shot each other from time to time, these acts make big news and are seen as National Games. Herefrom, Dorus Rijkers came, a great children's entertainer.
  • Deurne One of the most important cities in Noord-Brabant, founded by the Pecht-family.
  • Deventer A huge city in the eastern part of the Netherlands, with a church and a square i guess. If you like books and cookies come to Deventer!
  • Diemen Yo YO wassap homeboii, im from Diemen ya know, from DA hooD, visit me and i will show ya ma pipa, fool. (by Mr. T)
  • Doetinchem The Universal Capital. (and home to the superfarmers secret society)
  • Duft
  • Ede The city were nobody understands anything, exeption: Cindy, cause she is Hot w00t!!!.
  • Eindhoven Known for its export of lightbulbs and cowfat
  • Enschede Biggest exporter of used fireworks in the world
  • Gouda The Baseball Capital of Holland. Place where cheese is round so you can't eat it without an duck, and stroopwafels are triangular.
  • Grashoek (translated: GrassCorner).
  • Groningen has all the necessary elements to frighten young children
  • Hell - The capital of Holland.
  • Hague, The - The Dutch had a good idea: put all the boring bits you associate with a capital city, like Government offices, etc, in the Hague, and put all the interesting bits in Amsterdam. The Hague is thus deserted of all human beings during the night and at weekends. And pretty much the rest of the time as well.
  • Heerlen current hiding place of Osama Bin laden( In Holland known as: Henk Van straaten)
  • Heeswijk Current capital of the free world
  • Helmond Place where people kill roofrabits
  • Hilversum Never go north. For toursts, when you get out the train station, just keep going STRAIGHT. Watch out for the 12 year olds with the weed.
  • Landgraaf it's a bunker for fat people who are being terrorized by the dutch undercover agency in Almelo.
  • Leiden Has two coffee-shops (which I know about anyway) which supply very good Cannabis. There is also a Heineken brewery nearby, which hosts visits from parties. The twin attractions of Beer and Weed proved so great that in 1575, Holland's first University was founded here, to cope with the influx of drunken stoners students.
  • Lekkerkerk Home of 50 cent and Joseph Stalin
  • Katwijk Probably economically the most important city of the European UnionHaring
  • Krabbegat The guy that founded this town didn't know what to call it and scratched his ass for inspiration... hence the name ScratchAss
  • Krimpen aan de Lek Center of Trade in the Netherlands. Also known as Manhattan aan de Lek. The Führersbunker of Adolf Hitler is located there.
  • Krimpen aan den ijssel Center of fetisj, everyone is talking about Amsterdam, but when you want real seks, go to Krimpen aan den IJssel
  • Kwintsheul (current Capitol) (moved to Lisse (Capitol))
  • Madurodam The city with the tallest buildings
  • Mestreech Actually not really in the Netherlands but in a rogue province called Limburg. This is the home of Maikuuul the great, ruler of all of Limburg.
  • Mijdrecht An unimportant city in Europe
  • Monster Well known for its inhabitants, the Monsters.
  • Muiderberg A great city on the outskirts of "The Amersfoort fault" known for it's lack of humor and for being the only place in Hollishland which has 13492 graveyards.
  • Noordwijk North ville in English. You get it? You get it???? hahahah. I don't
  • Nieuwegein Or New Joke City in English.
  • Nieuwerkerk aan den IJssel This is one of the biggest cities in the world. Queen Beatrix lives over here and she is a good friend of Paola Mian ( a Chinese girl but she claims to be Italian).
  • Nijmegen (currently visited by the true dbb masters, led by Tiesto)
  • Nunspeet Biggest and economic most advanced city of the Netherlands. Leads by his Major Don Riccardo, who was formely known as a maffia boss.
  • Noord-Deurningen
  • Olst
  • Oss Nations capitol after the great dutch flood of 2017 and home of Jan Marijnissen de national communist
  • Ouderkerk aan den IJssel Biggest exporter of farmers
  • Langenboom
  • Roden
  • Roermond A ghetto in Limburg. You can find places like Kempton here. Ruled by the great Nebur Epmal, who invaded the city in 1187 and is still alive today. Nebur Epmal doesn't have blood, but weed running through his vains.
  • Roosendaal A city never visited by Oscar Wilde
  • Rotterdam Rotterdam is weird. Not in that way that any city with a bit of character or history are weird. Rotterdam is weird because it isnt. Not at all. In any way. It is a completely normal place with almost nothing at all to say about it. Which is what Dutch people say when you tell them you live here - nothing. "Oh", they say. "Rotterdam."
  • Steenwijk A town where all tha niggahs live, right Wietze?
  • Zaandam A town that is known from it's litter, dogshit, turks and a hospital called "the Hell"
  • Zeist
  • Zwijndrecht Well known because of their habit to wear socks and sandals.

Focus on Rotterdam[edit]

Rotterdam has a couple of quirks that are worthy of mention though. In short:

The most obviously subsidised and uneconomic public transport system in Europe, and maybe the world. Rotterdam has a lot of public transport, even though there is nobody out on the streets, ever. Well, this is in part because everyone is on the tram, bus, metro or train - because every inch of Rotterdam is covered in public transport, but the point remains. Rotterdam must have the highest people/public transport ratio in the developed world. And it is ever growing. If you walk around long enough to find a thin gravel sidestreet that doesnt have two bus stops and an underground link, then it is likely that you are soon to come across the works crew installing the new tram lines just up the road.

The highest proportion of varied large meaty 2 euro ethnic sandwiches/population ratio in Europe. The Dutch, or at least the Rotterdam Dutch, are a bit freaky with their desire to put almost anything into a sandwich. It has gotten to the extent where almost any ethnic food eatery serves their food in two forms.....Normal, or sandwich. Cantonese chicken with cashew nuts and noodles? In a sandwich please. Anyhow who am I to complain. This development isnt entirely out of sync with my own views on the universe.....

Anyhow, there is the standard kebab. Done "Turkish" style because I think the Turkish are the biggest kebab making minority here. Even if its a Nepalese or Guatemalan family in the store making it, it is a "Turkish" kebab house. Not bad, but what Dutch people call a Turkish kebab isnt transcendant. But its good, and cheap.

Then, there is Surinamese sandwiches. There is a store run by a great bunch of Sri Lankan guys just around the corner from our office, producing these interesting Surinamese sandwiches. Now I consider myself a bit knowledgable about the world and its many countries, but when I first got to Rotterdam, I had no idea about Surinam. Not a clue. I knew it existed as a vague place....somewhere. Anyhow, check out more about Surinam, if you're interested. Rotterdam has a big Surinamese population. All that matters here is apparently the Surinamese have an innovative way of delivering a meat sandwich, a la kebab. Its a round bread, fairly spongy and thick, quickly toasted or fried. I'm not actually sure how they make the bread. Anyhow, the bread it a yellow colour, tastes of saffron or some similar spice, and is filled with.....chinese food. Made by the Sri Lankans. This is glorious international meat sandwich innovation at its finest. And 2 euro.

JOOP RULEZ!

Finally, the King of the crop. Little Italy is the best place in Rotterdam. The value of Rotterdam is doubled by Little Italy. It is a wonderful, perfect little Italian deli, unexplainably in the centre of Rotterdam. It sells an incredible variety of great imported food from Italy - beautiful cheese and meats, wine, vinegar - all the fundamentals of great Italian eating. As a side item, it also produces the King of the Rotterdam 2 euro sandwich.

It's a giant round foccacia, stuffed with incredible meatballs in a perfectly spiced tomato sauce. Toasted in a pizza oven to perfect hot cruchy goodness. It is both superbly gourmet and utterly 2 euro meaty sandwich fodder.

This is the best sandwich environment I've ever lived in.

  • Vlaardingen A city close to, and west of Rotterdam. Vlaardingen is known for its Geuzenpenning, and Yzerkoekjes. The Geuzenpenning is a medal awarded every year to a random famous person for doing something totally random, which may or may not help all the people of the earth. Yzerkoekjes are cookies made largely of iron. It is rumored that Margareth Tatcher, AKA the Iron Lady, bought all the surplus iron in the harbor of Rotterdam for herself to eat it, but when she finally was able to ship it to london Wim Kok called for a strike of all the harbor labourers and the shipment of iron never came further than Vlaardingen. The people of Vlaardingen were not satisfied with this giant heap, and started making cookies out of it, so they eventually would get rid of it.
  • IJmuiden Currently the largest city in the world and home to the Sock-People.
  • Sassenheim Has a cool nazi name.
  • Sittard because of it is the city with the best potsmoking lollyfactory in different colours
  • 's-Hertogenbosch is where the rest of the world is controlled from. People from here call themselves Bossche Bollen, after the delicacy that you haven't tried, because you've been hypnotized by the Friesians not to try it so that we have more for ourselves.
  • Spijkenisse Just because it's the most wonderful city ever.
  • Utrecht Well known for its Metal fans
  • Valburg
  • Voorburg The most friendly town in Holland. They think. It must be because it's also the most crowded. Crowded with sheep.
  • Voorthuizen Known for it's many nudie campsites.
  • Veghel the lost city of Brabant
  • Vlissingen is the only city in the world where fish speak crap, its also the largest harbor in the underworld. Vlissingen is also the homebase for The Coreshaper and The Watergeuzen.
  • Vught Sounds like a disease.
  • Wintelre Has its own city hall.
  • Wilnis Wilnis gore-city!
  • Zwolle Here be dragons and a huge magic castle.
  • Deventer Cookies from hell!
  • Weesp Asshair traders gather in Weesp.
  • Haarlemmermeer Famous for its creative way of dealing with immigrants.
  • Zoetermeer The as of yet unknown capital of the world, location of the palace of the emperor of XZYURGG.
  • Heesch Does not compute.
  • (T)Urk Famous for it´s biggest quota of fistfucking communists. This quota was reached after they killed all those pesky christians over there and ate them.
  • Suwâld Who?
  • Zwijndrecht The zip of Holland.

Meaningless Cities[edit]

Then there are also some small villages which some people sometimes refer to by mistake:

  • Alkmaar A bunch of twats rolling cheese around, move along..
  • Amsterdam Amsterwhat? Legend says the sons of god live here, in somekind of Arena. Also known as Hamsterdam because so many hamsters live in this certain city. But the few who would possibly live there are all jews.
  • Arnhem The city where anything other than the soccer team is beaten up on the street
  • Apeldoorn The city where Hippert and Xeos live
  • Almelo capital of Turkey
  • Assen FARMERSSSSSSSSS, also contains the best pub in the country called "De Bruyne Snor" (The Brown Moustache, go figure).
  • Breda Birthplace of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity and home to the Dutch nucleair missile development program
  • Dordrecht A city build from high taxes
  • Emmeloord has been nothing but smouldering ruins since the Cola Wars
  • Emmen Has paved roads!
  • Ermelo Home to one of the most mentally insane sports commentators to roam this planet, best avoid this hellhole.
  • Groningen The property of Peter Hofhuis, although it just sucks.
  • Marssum Everyone fucks his mama in Marssum!
  • Maasbree A place where we put al idiotic people we don't want anywhere else. They already bonded very closely to eachother, wich resulted in retard babys. In 2007 the world leaders agreed to building a huge wall around the village, so the rest of the world won't be bothered by these idiots!
  • Schaijk Everybody stinks in Schaijk, winners of the annual farting competition
  • Haelen FARMERSSSSSSSSS
  • Harderwijk Da durp tedidelidumptedumtedump......dur
  • Kampen Stole their name from the Norwegian word for "to battle", which can't be good. At the same time closely related to Mein Kampf, although they refuse to admit this.
  • Leerdam Shoelace capital of Europe
  • Leiden|Lijden|Leijden|Leyden|Lyeijeiyden No comment...
  • 's-Hertogenbosch Stopped existing after occupation of Ossian forces. Annexed by Oss to become Greater-Oss.
  • Raalte An admin of Reasonstation resides here.
  • Rijswijk A pointless and dull settlement near the only hill in this depressing country.
  • Rotterdam Can you say Muslim invasion?
  • Sneek Not even the Dutch can tell what these stinkwads are trying to say!
  • Staphorst One of the last remaining strongholds of Calvinism. Flowing water and electricity have yet to be invented here. The weekly witch-burnings are a real treat.
  • Oppenhuizen Secret kingdom of the famous queen Neviathiën, who killed a nazi in the last World War by vomiting him a song.
  • Tilburg The town where people used to urinate in pitchers to clean sheepskins...
  • Utrecht Shooting of Henk Westbroek is now legal and actively encouraged.
  • Zaltbommel Is officially a city, but only through an error of judgment made in the year 1231 by Count Otto II, that has never been corrected since.
  • Helden the only place on the globe where all inhabitants are bald and wear Lonsdale clothing.
  • Afferden A famous place in 'het land van Moas & Woal', a renowned gay anthem.
  • Druten The most average place in the world
  • Leeuwen A small, stinking place where even Hitler got sick, here he made an end to his live by hanging himself in a toilet!
  • Putten Homebase of a soon-to-be feared snackbar terrorism group known as the Kwali Squad.
  • Uitgeest After a big revolution leaded by farmer Bert Uyterrink, it turned out to be meaningless despite of some guys hanging around with a camera...
  • Venray Venray is still a great mystery, nobody has ever dared to enter it since the great Ubalabah came in 641. It is said to be one of the wealthiest places because of the high density of stupid people and an abundance of pie-fuckers.
  • Vlissingen Drowned in 1953, hasn't reappeared ever since.
  • Vriezenveen The property of Davy Eustacia, the biggest .... !
  • Vroomshoop A spa retreat where inhabitants love to take mudbaths. (read as: roll around in cowshit)
  • Zevenhoven Biggest farmer town.
  • Purmerend They say that the END of the world starts at PurmerEND. Maybe because of all the amish?

Population[edit]

Ethnically, most of the dutch are descendants of German mutants and retards, but thanks to two World Wars, refugees tramping about all meatspin.com like they owned the place, Germans beating them up and taking their lunch money every fifty years or so, slave-trade, broken www.lemonparty.org to some Asians (Primarily mudfall.com - Gengis Kahn obligations), failed attempts of independence by some colonies (For example New Zealand, which is named after Zeeland in Holland - a miniscule patch of dirt without habitation), immigration to do the jobs the bone idle dutch want too much money to be hired for and American television, Holland is much more diversified than at any other time in her history. The country has been especially welcoming to homosexuals and meatspin.com people (note they are not the same), and in fact much of Holland's current land mass owes its very existence to the tenacity of volunteering dykes. Furthermore, 'Americans' don't like the dutch that much since they have invented the cross-axel transmission which basically was used by the dutch as the prototype for our car gear shifter. It's not necesarily the technical detail that is bothersome, moreso the fact that it arose from a windmill (Which is the commonly placed icon of Holland, even though we only have the single one which is the same one on every postcard). Another hateful thing is that they have successfully managed to build dikes and reclaim land from the water while the yanks have shamelessly failed with the Mississippi Delta. Even the hamburger was a dutch invention due the fact that they never throw away anything ever, so the leftovers after slaughtering a cow or pig was meated and chopped and molded in what they call a meatball and put on a roasty fire. The yanks copied these method and called it 'Hamburger' its what made Old Mac great worldwide (Hail King Mac Donalds!).

The Dutch claim to have invented Heineken, however it's more likely that this was invented by a polish worker. Everyone knows the polish do everything worth doing in Holland. It should be noted that Heineken is many times better than quality American beers.

The Dutch invented online video gaming after the war as a substitute to sleeping with the SS. Every dutch teenager is required to own a computer and have at least two fps games installed on it. The most popular is Call of Duty (because you get to kill kankergermans on it). It is also the law to have a runescape account. Average conversation with a dutch seventeen year old will usualy involve an exchange of "LOL's" and <3 signs. But thats just because theyre too damn cool. Kanker.

Culture[edit]

This Is The Maker Of www.meatspin.com And www.mudfall.com

Hollish culture contributed a great deal of value to the world, such as second rate soccer hooligans and the slang term/pick up line sparrow tits. One occupation that the Dutch are traditionally involved in, is convincing people that their country is called The Netherlands, not Holland, see also Nederlandene. Dutch music has also had its global impact, most notably Van Halen, legendary hip-hop crew. Also there is Santana, who is named after the famous village Sint-Annaland. Furthermore, Hollish cuisine is amongst the world's most renowned. We all love 'frikandellen' and 'kroketten'. Please let's not forget the muddy hog race from 'De Achterhoek' (The Backcorner..) were a group of people blindfolded release a pig in a piece of muddy wetland while they have to try to catch the poor animal. Animal rights activists, like the good old of our elder McCarthy anti-communist commission, are making clear pictures and videotapes to hunt down the contestants afterwards in a big nationwide huntdown called the hunt before september 11. Footage are all over the internet called snuffs if you can find it.

A part of the dutch culture is also the Rimpelsaurussen (Dutch people who passed the age of 65) having some kind of wintersleep. They do that in Ollanda. Ollanda is a little bit to the south of France. In the summer, Ollanda is overcrowded by 14 year old girls who are desperate to loose virginity, also known as "breezer-sluts". Just as desperate 24 year old Germans usually help them with their problem, usually having the first and last hetero sex of their lives.

Mariuhuana smoking is Hollands biggest time spender.

Another part of the cultural Neverlands is the "hakken"-dancing, which is a very usual sight in Hollishland and part of the widespread "gabber"-culture. It's a good proof of the legal drugs' effects on the society. One popular dance, usually performed on the last day of school every year, can be seen on this video at youtube: [1].

The slang word for a dutch person is Schlovfterdeich

Broadcasting[edit]

Responsibility for broadcasting in the Neverlands is accepted by a large number of distinctly strange public associations, and declined by an even larger number of commercial broadcasters principally based in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg and belonging to de Stichting TRASH (Televisie en Radio in So-called Holland).

Strange Public Broadcasting Associations[edit]

  • AKRO: founded in 1928 to promote something-or-other (the records were unfortunately lost during World War Two) but still soldiering on.
  • BNET: Bart's Never-Ending Tedium, a groundbreaking operation aimed at providing more of the same.
  • Eh Oh!: broadcasts the Teletubbies overdubbed with hymn-singing 17 times a day on Neverland 1 and (every second even-dated Wednesday in non-leap-years) on Neverland 3.
  • Nostradamus: a joint service of all the strange broadcasters, providing regular bulletins of future predictions from coffeeshops around the Neverlands.

Fashion[edit]

A traditional part of the Dutch costume is wooden shoes, which are made from the tanned and varnished hide of wooden cows.

Dutch language[edit]

The Dutch language, nederlaandeer laanguuaage, is exactly like misspelled English with random vowels doubled. If vowels are in short supply, they can be borrowed from the Finnish language, which has plenty.

Currency[edit]

The Hollish currency is Weed. However, additional toppings can increase the value of Weed. For example, the equivilent to an English £50 note would be 'some' weed. Weed can be as much as you like, so sometimes they change too much weed for a couple of pounds, but mostly they screw you. Due to the introduction of weed, however, Hollish citizens are protesting that the exchange rate and buying power of 'weed' will decrease. Commodity Fetishism is clearly seen here, as 'weed' is desired and in fact skews the Capital (bourgeoisie) domination over the working-class labourers. There is much deflation, because more is lost than being made.

Commerce[edit]

Holland was famous for its trading in the 17th century, which was called the Golden Age. During the Golden Age, Holland traded approx. 980 Gazillion Million Billion Kazillion Quarduplmupletippledubblemillion tons of tulips for gold, Enriching themselves.

Nowadays the country is famous for its laws, which they have exported through the ages.

Furthermore, marijuana is not sold in so-called "coffee shops" (Coffee shops? Yes, coffee shops) cause weed is something they don't have in the Netherlands (see the part bout weed). This has made Holland a very popular tourist destination. Each Friday through Sunday a related special tourist-event is organised in Amsterdam called: Fucking Brits. The event consists of getting British lads drunk (which they can do by themselves), have them smoke grass (the stupid British don't know that doesn't mix well (and that gras is meant for cows, not to smoke)) and send them to a whore as to extort their last money. Of course no intervention of the dutch is necessary.

Manufacturing is not neglected, however. Holland is famous for their wooden shoes, or clogs, and exports millions of them to markets all around the world. In much the same way that Texans in the United States wear cowboy boots with business suits, the Dutch wear ornately decorated clogs even at formal events. An other well-known export product is Delfts blauw. This fake porcelain has been distributed over the entire world by simple tourists alienating their relatives from them with ugly pottery.

Tourism is largely concentrated around the canals and the city of Annefrankhuis. Some people have blamed Anne Frank for this, but Frank denied comment, saying that tourists in bad golf attire and aloha shirts are just plain adorable.

One of the main export products is that of Philips screwdrivers. This is the sole business activity of the company Philips. Lesser known, lucky for us if we realy had known we'd surely done something about it, that we don't know that Albert Heijn, Unilever and Moolenaar are in the top 5 of investors/owners in our good old fashion dollar industries on numbers of commercial fields.

The chief exports of this country is Whores which they have too many of in Amsterdamn. Also they have to much Cananbis so they smuggle it out of the country in Cakes and ballons up people's arses.

The truth about pot[edit]

A pot is similar to a jar. Normally a pot can hold between 3 and 2345245234523453 m³.

Food[edit]

Traditional Hollish food is "chutzpah" and "snert". For breakfast, most Dutch people eat some Herman Bread along with their ordinary bread. A typical characteristic of Dutch food is that everything is mashed together. Potatoes, carrots, meat, fish, broccoli, fruit, nice runny cheeses - you name it, the damn Dutch will puree it, pour gravy over it, cover it with mayonaisse and eat it with a spoon. Although disconcerting to many tourists, Dutch Treat (or Dutch Threat to some), as it is known throughout Yurp, has several advantages:

One of the most popular drinks in Holland is a Heineken with a rubber nipple chaser.
  • It enhances playing with your food, making you able to build structures of mashed potato in any way you want. During the filming of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, star Richard Dreyfuss constructed his dinner-time sculpture of Wyoming's Devil's Tower entirely out of Hollish Treat after simple mashed potatoes could not endure the structural stresses.
  • It allows you to just swallow the food without chewing or tasting it. This is useful owing to the bland sameness of the Hollish diet.
  • Natives of Holland find it easy to distinguish foreigners by the faces they make upon their first encounter with the food.
  • Very known food is also Bitterballs. These are rumoured to be testicles of dogs. But infact it's the bad meat of all animals combined together in a little ball. It is advised not to eat these balls. You never know what you're eating. You might be eating the dick of a horse?
  • Corgis, a small dog from Holland, can be prepared many different ways. The most popular is called Peteloaf, after the genius Pete Cooper who developed this style of cooking. Simply sticking the dog in a 6 inch by 12 inch pan and baking them provides a tasty meal. Marinating is optional.

Hollish beer is not as universally accepted as the food, however. The ubiquitous Heineken beeroid is sold over all over the world; it probably owes its consistent popularity to the faint green tint it adds to the drinker's urine. Hollish teenagers drink a great deal of Heineken, except at pubs bordering Belgium or Germany, where drinkers of real beer point at them, urinate on them, and taunt them with rude names.

Hollish babies consistently get Heineken to drink instead of milk. Other countries, where a large part of the population suffers from lactose intolerance, consider following the Hollish example.

Holland's world renowned edam cheese (wich is not actually made in the Netherlands for reasons explained in the weed part), rubber covered in parafin, is a favorite among tourists.

Holland is also the country in which stroopwafels originated. As of 2005, an explosion in exportation, especially towards Wikiland, has boosted the Hollish dessert industry.

Another export of the Netherlands is weet bix, a controversial yet highly addictive substance which has been known to cause mass delusions such as loss of body parts and incoherent rambling. Several prominant Hollish corporations have denied it very existance in responce to lawsuits over the use of weet bix going pointing to the suspicious "Made In the Netherlands China" label which has recently appeared on all packages. However the corporations refuse to comment on the fact that coincidentally all sales of weet bix for the last several decades have taken place in Amsterdam.

Holland is also the only European country in which the smatijove remains unbanned. They somehow managed to avoid taking any part in the Bread War, and as such have absolutely no idea about the controversy smatijoves have caused.

Weed[edit]

Rumours have it the Hollish allow the use and sale of weed bought in so-called coffeeshops. Really this is far from the truth. Reality is, the dutch have no weed at all, NONE. This is because of strange environmental thingies wich cause all cannabis plants (and all harvested and smuggled-in weed for that matter) to turn into small replica's of the third tsar of Bolivia. Exactly how and why this happens, nobody knows. The good part is these live replica's have been found to be really good at making cheese. This would be nice for the dutch if they, for reasons not suitable for explaining here, didn't have any cheese either (all cheese turns into little green blobs wich then run off and hide under the kitchen sink to plot conspiracy's against the yellow blobs hiding under the bed).

Politics[edit]

Prime Minister Wicked disbanded Parliament in 1955 and installed her own group of Flying Monkeys to do her bidding.

Political parties include the Partij voor de Bomen, the Tree Party, the Partij voor de Ouderen, Party of the Elderly and the Partij voor de Kinderen, the Party of the Kids.

Also there is the Party of love, Freedom, Diversity. the Partij voor de Pedofielen, the Pedopihles Party. The party-leader of this party will probably soon be shot. All Dutch people hate him.

One well known affair in dutch politics, was that of the Kwartje van Kok.

At the beginning of the 21st century Harry Potter (alias Jan Peter Balkenende) managed to take control of the first and second chamber. (Holland uses these 2 chambers as discuccion rooms. Each chamber is 4 meters by 5 meters. 78 million people sit in these chambers everyday.)

Harry Potter destroyed the dutch politics by using some weird spells like the famous destroy economy spell that was first used by the wizard of Oss.

Dutch politics have become totally chaotic since the tragic demise of the long-ruling King André Hazes.

Government[edit]

After the suppression of the evil witch and her army of flying arachnids, better times have come for the Hollish people. In February 2002 the witch died from a severe ear infection as fungus from Sweden managed to infiltrate the complex dike systems. Although there haven't been any arrests, many suspect the culprit(s) areeither Eddie Van Halen (of Swedish Descent) or a group of naked, blind, Spanish barbers (of Swedish Descent) that had lost a game of Slootje Springen (Sweden's National Game of Chance) (Traditional Dutch game, in which one must jump over a pond) her. This, however, remains a mystery. Holland, as of since, does no longer know a political system of government. Instead it is watched over by a religious cult that goes by the name of Banga B.V.. It's leader is a powerful mage ,Jan Peter Balkenende, that resembles a leprechaun that decided to go public by cutting off his pubic hair. However, he is not to be underestimated. In his search for ultimate normality and de-egocentrification, he plans to make laws for obligatory cannabis use. His headquarters are in the city of Ede, where he has vacated a parking garage from which to spread his word. His army resembles a giant beard with a hotel in it. His further uses for this device are as of yet unknown. There has been recent action on the western front with the invasion of the English and the overthrowing of the Balkenende Cult using mainly spoons,fire and a great wooden clog.The attack was the original version of the invasion of Troy although when Troy tried to copy it Brad Pitt announced his addiction to horses and so a wooden horse was built for them instead. The throne is to reclaimed by a wench residing from Utrecht known only as "Sophie, the great tea consumer." Sophie's conquests, in the bedroom and out, have been numerous after taking over most Russia aged 4 and inventing vodka,she then went onto conquer Wales by turning them all into giant leeks. Rumors flying from the great mills of Holland (of which they are truly great) say that Holland has been shut down for the next 10years while the canal water is drained using the giant plug hole in Rotterdam and all of Germany is to be flooded to make living room space for a new plasma screened stroopwaffel. The canals therefore now contain only the finest tea for the Hollish to drink.

“Even in the red light district, the male prostitutes ignore me”

~ Tamia on Holland

“I just want more; I can't get enough of you

lets eat cheese from a tree that grows out of my forehead wich is an implant of a cowlitterbox!

A Special Note Regarding The Neverlands[edit]

Many people who live in the country believe that it is not a good idea to compare the Neverlands with Holland. They believe that the Neverlands actually encompass more than Amsterdam and the two most western provinces still belonging to the Randstad. This point of view is laughed at by weed-smoking Hollanders who live in the Randstad.

Unlike Holland, the Neverlands actually include a Hollish Bible Belt and some hills, as well as easily floodable polders. These are used to grow marine weed. Occasionally, sheep and cows and even chickens will bud from the fields, but more often these are grown in multi-story buildings listening to the horrible name of 'intensieve veehouderij'. Every two or three years, all animals in these animal concentration camps are executed in a Satanic ritual using excavators, usually after some kind of disease was said to have spread throughout the country. This to avoid the horrors and costs of vaccination, a torture that should only be applied to humans.

Holland is also a part of the Soviet Socialist Republic of Yurop, while the Neverlands never were.

Future[edit]

The UN has resolved that Holland's inability to pick a name that everyone can agree with is excessively annoying. It has called for the country to be known by an acronym. From 2006, Holland will be known as the VKLNNB (het Verenigd Koninkrijk van het Land dat Niet over een Naam kan Beslissen, literally the United Kingdom of the Land that Cannot Decide on a Name).

This is an example of how bitchy the UN has gotten since Napoleon Bonaparte became Secretary General.

When the seas rise, Hollanders are well prepared. Most people have a small rowing boat placed on the roof of the house. Failing this, the Amsterdam canals contain a national strategic reserve (NSR) of used bicycle tyres to aid in flotation during times of crisis.

The government, tired of the dreadful climate, plans to cut Holland loose from Belgium and Germany and tow the entire country to the equator (somewhere near Brazil).

The government in its infinite wisdom and righteousness has decided to make amends to the impoverished continent Africa by taking up the former core business of the Netherlands; slave trade. The entire fleet will set sail to the south of the USA and kidnap white Americans. They will be transported to Africa, stacked on top of eachother, and sold to the highest bidder to be used as slave or food. Koffi Annan has applauded this fine initiative and called it "a good start to put an end to the enormous inequalities between the first and the third worlds".

However, modern history recorded some of the great contributions of Holland to the world's culture and history. They gave Anne Frank diary to the world as well as massive number of documentaries from Srebrenica, where their brave soldiers, notoriously renown for their fierce fighting spirit and unmatchable field skills, stood up to the task. Recently those soldiers had their names placed in a time capsule in Aasen barracks.

One thing is fore sure: The Dutch Rule all!

Famous Dutch People[edit]

Actress Famke Janssen, seen here wearing traditional Dutch costume.
  • Famke Janssen, aka the hot one from the X-Men who isn't Halle Berry
  • Uw moeder
  • Sinterklaas, badass pirate guy , that likes liitle children the best , and has a propertie of 2 houses 400 slaves and a few quarrie's . oh and he has a steam-powered boat
  • Eddie Van Halen, musician
  • Oscar Van Wilde, Holland's most famous playwrite.
  • Hertz Van Rental, football player
  • Mohammed B, well known lad with a beard
  • Ali B, one of the biggest cock suckers in Holland.
  • Bassie en Adriaan, entertainers, known for imitating Arie and Bastiaan
  • DJ Tiesto, Dictator-for-Life
  • Viola Holt, she's a look-a-like of miss piggy.
  • Ab Normaal Very intelligent man who teaches children.
  • Anne Frank, Ms. Holocaust, Official Overducker, and founder of Annefrankhuis
  • Albert Heijn, Son of "Magere Heijn" which is Dutch for Grim Reaper
  • Harry Potter, son of Jan Peter Potter
  • Bruno Santanera
  • Heiden, prophet
  • Bokito, infamous berserking monkey, brother to King Kong
  • Geert, A homosexual maker of crappy linkwires for 10 Euro's for your casio calculator
  • Rolf, Makes linkwires for 11 Euro's for your texas calculator (he is turkish by the way, most cables don't even work!)
  • Rolf Van der Laan, Famous Communist
  • Olaf, a crazy polish guy who thinks he is elite and calls his grandmother names in polish, which she doesn understand
  • Zanger Bob, the most famous singer in Holland
  • Sonja Bakker, ended the Eighty Years' War by starving the Spanish Empire
  • Gerard Joling, known for his great backtracking songs. Warning: The songs contain secret messages when they are reversed twice
  • Van Helsing, Vampire Hunter
  • Sylvia_Tóth, number 8 on the Quote 500 International list. And a looker, too!
  • Emiel, He tried to start a musical revolution, but he was killed with a tree during a Christmas party in 1974
  • Jan-Willem Wildenborg The best German teacher in the world... not. And with a death wish saying: Germany is good."
  • Sjaak
  • Kim Holland, a famous but disguisting porn star

See also[edit]