Holland house
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I lOVE MUMS!
“A beacon of excellence in care for the elderly”
~ Patricia Hewitt on Holland House
“A glorified whorehouse”
~ A fornicating youth on Palmeira Square on Holland House
“He touched me... down there”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rich
“If my room gets searched because of you guys I'm gonna fuck you up”
~ Mary Richardson on the authors of this page
“Normally I'd say somthing witty... but for Holland House, I can't be arsed.”
“A cat meows, a bird squarks, a man...barks?”
~ Commentator Jaques Jaques Liveraut on Holland House
“Dickhead”
~ Wild Oscar on Oscar Wilde
“Bilal is Gooch”
~ Anonymous 633BC on Holland House
Holland House is a Residential Home for the Elderly. It is not in Holland but often smells like it should be.
Contents |
[edit] About Holland House
Holland House is twinned with Hector's House, a pub in Brighton. And the Nazi party and Ponana.
Founded in 1997 by Winston Churchill it provides private accommodation for around 100 elderly men and women, the majority of whom have alcohol and drug problems. All are incontinent, some fatally. All fashion the back sack and crack. There are four kitchens, three showers, 5,762 baths, 26 toilets, 15 soft chairs, no spinning chairs, seven spinning vaginas, a goat, two computers, one pool table, two pool cues, five CCTV cameras (one broken), one bin, a table tennis table, and one collection of mugs. Holland House is split into four main parts: Aztec, Medieval, Industrial, and Futuristic. Furthermore, each room is categorised into one of four main categorised categories, categorically: Cum Producor, Cum Recepticle, Come Dancing, and Kitchen. The object of Holland House is to perpetuate the eternal struggle between good and evil via the medium of Cleaner versus Real People, with the principal field of battle being the Box Of Nonsense located in each kitchen. The Box Of Nonsense was involved in a copyright law suit in 1985 brought by head cleaner Sue Ball-Cum who used to use the name for herself when typing memos, speaking quietly and accessing internet porn sites. She later allowed her minions to use the name for their own sick, sadistic, twisted mind games. and scrabbble. The Aztec Zone is located on the basement floor and is generally considered to be the most frequented by the aging population. It contains most of the above mentioned facilities including a 1500 seat private cum room. The Cleaner Collective has been known to use this room as a bargaining tool in their more childish moments but vigilance on the part of the Real People's Front ensures quality veiwing time for all. The Medieval Zone is located on the ground floor and is concentrated at a point known as The Office. The Industrial Zone is located on the first floor and is as unremarkable as this sequence of random finger actions: aosiutpo wihg[0347weoi yt9248ytpwfh The Futuristic Zone is located on the second floor or 'The Second Floor Ver2.1' depending on your connection speed. It was was created by bombarding a beam of protons at a Uranium 235 atom and irradiating the anti-matter particle burst with a higgs field. The Third Floor is not officially part of Holland House as it was single-handedly liberated by an unknown person who did not write this article of any part thereof. It plays residence to several of the world's richest people including one Bames Jartlett, who amassed over 4.2 Billion bottles of cum in one hour by sheer guile and cunning alone.
('The Fourth Floor' is broken by Brecht in his plays, ensuring his aim of the theatre being used as a tool to implement social change is possible.
Floor five is invisible and indigestable. Like you
Holland House is owned by Sue, who built the house in 1984. Sue is a beautiful woman.
[edit] Famous Residents
Ross MacIntosh does not live here, but Ross McIntosh does. Neither claim to have invented the dinosaur but both in fact did. Ross MacIntosh is ugly as sin. Ross McIntosh is a beautiful woman. He may have a very sophisticated sense of humour or he may be ill. Ross McInross is much like a bad case of the herpes. He'll put you off sex for about a grandad. Ross McInross also does not live here, but Ross McIntosh does. Ross McIntosh is a beautiful woman.
Ross McIntosh has the envied power to disappear into thin air. You are only aware of his passing by a swinging obsecenely decorated christmas door and a trail of indigenous footprints heading in the direction of the errogenous zone of the House, the part frequented only by the mentally incapacitated seniors among the residents of HH, and by the pigeons, who ALEX MANN keeps as pets. As well as collecting numerous blue beer cans. He once tried to forcefeed one particularly beautiful pigeon with this piss so popular among this bunch of elderlies, but the pigeon escaped his ravenous hands. We do not like to think of the possible consequences if he had suceeded. Ross McIntosh, when visible, is usually exhibiting a pensive expression, otherwise known as the "I’m so mentally unstable I can’t remember what the hell I was thinking" or the "can I be arsed to go into the diabolical realm known as Unholy Necromancy Institution, or more commonly, Underwear for the Notoriously Incontinent?" - but his answer is universally "I can’t be arsed." He is a highly valued and unproductive member of the household. He stole a YELLOW FUTON with the help of another unmentionable resident, robbing Brighton Beach of its valuable accessories and is generally therefore responsible for any missing furniture. With the exception of all chairs in the house, explaining the grumpiness of the residents since they cannot rest their sagging bottoms on a comfortable receptacle. BEN and STEPHANIE can be petitioned for their return, except that the latter has recently buggered off to Rome in anticipation of this witch hunt. She will be greatly missed, god bless.
Patty Ruth DiMarco is kept in the cupboard under the stairs. She is released once a day for a period of one and a half hours, in which time she is fed and excersised. She shares her cupboard with some heating pipes. Patty likes to eat goats meat and nuts. She has two friends, one of which is a ball of elastic bands. The other is the heating pipes. Patty likes to dance naked under a full moon. She thinks 'it's funny because [she] can 'moon the moon'.'
Amy Caswell (deceased) is a noted collector of bottled semen. She has written her surname and phone number on the top right corner of her laptop because she was scared it would escape and not be able to find its way home. Her previous laptop was killed when it ran away and got run over by a Volvo. She claimed to have been to every disco between Paris and Berlin (Caswell, Discos I have Been In, Manchester Press 2001), but recent counter claims by Alex Mann (A Critique of Caswellian Disco Theory) dispute this.
Rich Kirkkavald likes to drink fermented cum. He and Amy can often be found talking about their favourite vintages and the complexities of cum fermentation and storage. This is often painful for Amy because she hates the word 'cum', preferring to call it 'the nectar of the love pump,' or 'the bald man's puke,' or 'come'. Rich lives in a teepee on the second floor. He has a whippit which he pins important notices to. Rich has grown 200% since he left the womb. He has never been to the toilet, and as a result is full of shit.
Alex Mann is the viking god of cum. He is widely blamed for Amy Caswell's death. He laughs and laughs and laughs about this. Alex can take any form he chooses. On Halloween he likes to take the form of a little boy and shoot trick or treaters. He was recently prosecuted for shoving crackers down his trousers. Once Alex caught a fish alive and he shoved that down his trousers too. He has, in the past, shoved Amy down his trousers. For Christmas he wants some more crackers (so that he can shove them down his trousers). He wants to shove his head down his trousers, or anyones head for that matter. He'll shove you down his trousers if you're not careful. Alex is provided 'as is'.
We do not talk about Will Scott.
Dean Howarth is responsible for several of the world's recent major socioeconomic and politcal disasters. He is currently working on a cure for stupidity and preliminary trials on a monkey from the genus Rossus MacIntoshus (not Rossus McIntoshus) look promising. (Dean has recently been evicted. It was for the best.)
Dean is an anagram of EADN, or Eating Ass and Dick - Nice!
The following is a public announcement from the personal army of solicitors who do the bidding of Bames Jartlett: Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! It is my duty to inform you all of... erm...ooh, is that somebody's food?
Kirk is the great shaggy carpet in the basement. talking to, participating in or excessive consumption of may cause laxative effects and/or a series of nasty hematomas. always read the labia. Kirk boils babies and eats them raw. (Aside: The preceding statement was of course, absurd. If Kirk boils his babies, how can he eat them raw? The more discerning reader will have already spotted that the monkey of genus Rossus Mcintoshus wrote the said paragraph. As a punishment for this unforgivable embarrassment, the monkey will be allowed access only to the middle shower and Amy Caswell.)
Mark does not live here.
Mary Richardson is a psycho. Lets fuck her up good and proper. Crack village in more ways than one. She loves it in more ways than one. She'll love you in more ways than one...Cha ching!
Katie Miller is a thriller. A soft humming comes from her room. She has her priorities right.
Rosie is responsible for the Will Scott incident. We do not talk about the Will Scott incident.
Jo is a small lump of plastic.
Martyn has become consumed by dry wit. He often then vomits it back out until only dry heaves remain. Approach with caution. Or a knife. Or some sort of shield, preferably 'The Urvi' (see below). Martyn's best friend is Martyn's Fringe. It is the only thing he loves. It is also the source of all of his power.
Krista was a tamagotchi owned by Amy Caswell. She died recently, aged 18 days. Amy was bored so she starved Krista, the genocidal BITCH.
How does Dean always know it's me?
Phantom Shitter - No one knows who this is. But it was definitely that guy who tried to blow up the kitchen.
[edit] History of Holland House
Holland House had a partially successful music career between 1969 - 1974, releasing 4 singles including the top 40 hit, Erogenous Monkfish, a slab of charlie right in your face. John Peel is quoted as saying 'disgusting music, it made my ears bleed.' Iroinically, founding member Rich Kirkkavald Snr. died of a bleeding anus.
In 1997, at the official opening of Holland House, a crack unit of undercover greengrocers in the entourage of Winston Churchill were savagely chopped, seasoned and sauted in butter by a renegade self help group of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sufferers known as The Cleaners. This was the proto-nucleus of the evil that pervades Holland House to this very day. Winston, even though he'd been dead for 32 years, became quite animated with irritation and immediately declared he would phone Ross Mcintosh for advice. After several hours, the laughter died down and those who had terminal cases of death were shot on sight, including Ross MacIntosh.
This was a bleak time for Holland House. The Cleaners were perfecting the dark art of brikka-dafookin-playte with only limited resistance being offered by the still unorganised real people. Then, without warning, a man... nay... a leg, materialised onto the roof of Holland House with a cold hard cock flashing blue lightning. He had no name. Some say he was 9 foot tall, others that he was genetically engineered by drum+bass in Worthing, some even went as far as to say "Do you think he looks a bit like that guy out of Queens of the Stone Age?", but they were drinking fermented cum and shot on sight. Whoever he was, he looked upon the poor, tired and huddled masses of Holland House and took pity on them. He took a handfull of these wretched creatures and a monkey messing about with a bottle of pills and trained them to become The Real People's Front. To this day, the monkey plays with the pills.
Pills pills pills pills pills pills pills pills up my japseye.
In 2004 Holland House, responding to overcrowding due to population pressure and falling exports combined with a recession in world markets, attempted to annex Moes Pizzas in the hope of seizing its single shower and its strong food processing industry. Despite initial success the campaign quickly suffered huge setbacks, most importantly the intervention of the Biscuit Factory who, wanting to deter expansionist policies in the Sort-of-Hove Sort-of-Brighton region imposed effective sanctions targeting the largely neutral residents of Holland House, most controversially the embargo on 20p coins which rendered the pool table, central to the Houseian culture, unuseable. The Biscuit Factorys Supreme Council of Biscuitry also mounted a less effective campaign of psychological warfare, planting literature promoting free love and a more relaxed approach to making boom-boom in an attempt to allieviate the sexual tension which at that time provided 200% of Holland Houses electricity (the remaining 100% was produced by the toil of the creatures in the basement). It didn't work because only one resident is not transgender. Nethertheless, Holland House was soon forced to withdraw from the occupied territories.
In 2005 there were an outbreak of riots on the 2nd floor. It has been suggested that the primary cause of the riots was ANGER and SEXUAL TENSION. The net result of these riots was copious amounts of food stuck to the 2nd floor ceiling and a pot of oil left in the third floor kitchen oven to explode (by the previous owner of room 318.) The previous owner of room 318 was retarded and retardant. The new owner is a pair of y-fronts. While these acts were widely condemned by Sue and other world leaders, the UN refused to take action and so No Action was taken against the rioters. The UN was thrown into further chaos by the actions of the phantom shitter striking three times before taking action and emposing a shit embargo on the house. The areas of the house which received substantial damage as a result of the faeces were the Ground floor bathroom, the 3rd floor corridor and the 3rd floor kitchen bin.
In 2006 the word 'cunt' was inscribed in several locations but NOBODY KNOWS IT WAS ALEX. Alex laughs and laughs and laughs about this. In an earlier incident that year, Alex Mann accidentally vandalisd a security camera. He was later seen trying to remedy his misdemeanour by getting drunk and kicking in a door.
In January 2007 the third floor was bought out in a hostile takeover by the Fames Jartlett Corporation. Rents were immediately tripled with the intention of forcing students out of the floor. The kitchin is now a swimming pool.
[edit] An uncertain future
Commentators have suggested that Holland House is too good a place for the elderly and that, perhaps, they should be confined to a campus or put down.
It is alleged that the University of Sussex are engaged in a covert development operation in your mum, Alex, your mum.
Holland House is powered entirely by sexual tension but a recent rise in the amount of pornography found in the house means that the power supply is now in danger of being wanked out of existance. In the meantime, fermented cum sales have rocketed due to the increasing appetite of Amy Caswell and Rich Kirkkavald. Although an official drought order has not been issued, all non essential supplies of raw cum are to be delivered to room 320 for immediate processing at the Fartlett Bottling Plant (a subsidiary of Jartlett Enterprises). All proceeds go to the electricity bill.
[edit] Wildlife of Holland House
Holland House is home to a range of birdlife including a colony of evil pigeons (don't look into their eyes. Never into the eyes) and the great tit, Latin name Fartyn Martyn, some human beings and a few Americans. Only a few, mind. We aren't savages. Apart from Amy Caswell, who actually is a savage.
The Urvi is indigenous to the Isles of Holland House and Basingstoke. It's only natural predator is the Fartyn Martyn. All other creatures, for reasons undisclosed, 'just don't even go there.' -David Attenborough. Her mane, soft to the touch, is the source of all her power; her achilles heel, if you will. Bizarely, she does not have heels. The Urvi is a pleasant creature, despite what the squawks of the Fartyn Martyn suggest. They are, to quote the former, 'absolutely ridiculous.'
The Holland Horse.
Holland Mouse.
Holland Louse.
Dutch Minge.
[edit] Will Scott
We do not talk about Will Scott.
[edit] Barry Scott
We do not talk about Barry Scott.
We shout about him, in the manner that he has become acustomed to. 'Hi! I'm Barry Scott!' is the ususal (loud) greeting. 'I'm here to tell you about NEW Cillit Bang. See how effective it is in the penny test. BANG! and the dirt is gone.'
'Who the FUCK are you?! FUCK OFF.' is the usual reply.
Barry Scott lives in the third floor kitchen next to Barbie. Some say he is the reason for the cleaner's unfriendly manner. Others believe she is just a flid.
Barry Scott has been seen showing his 'Clit Bang' to elderly people. We do not talk about the Barry Scott incident.
[edit] What do you think of James?
He's a twat.
[edit] What do you think of Bilal?
He is Gooch.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- Mecca Bingo
- Department for Work and Pensions
- MySpace (Yes, even old people like MySpace now)
