Hollyoaks

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hollyoaks.

“Hollyoaks gives me the type of chills that cocaine never could”

~ Amy Winehouse on Hollyoaks


“Myra McQueen ? Ding dong. I've been there hit that!”

~ Donald Trump on Hollyoaks


“I believe the common denominator of the Universe is not harmony, but chaos, hostility and murder. If you do not believe me just try watching the Hollyoaks omnibus edition on E4 at the weekend”

~ Werner Herzog on Hollyoaks


"Ha! I've seen better acting on Hollyoaks." 'How to deal with ..... British Drama Students. Chapter 14. Urban Survival Handbook- UK Edition. Lonely Planet Guidebooks.

Hollyoaks is a bullshit British soap opera set in the fictional town of Chester. The show deals with everyday problems such as drug abuse, teen pregnancy, money problems, and Alien abduction. Hollyoaks is known for its all star cast involving that bloke from Dream Team, that other bloke from Dream Team, that chap who is now in Emmerdale (who is obviously no longer part of the cast now that he's in Emmerdale), that posh bird from Krull and Sue Ellen from Dallas.

Current happenings in the village[edit]

Sienna is in all out competition with Mercenary "Mercedes" McQueen in the 'how many men?/STD' stakes. The stars have aligned and Warren Fox has left his tomb in R'lyeh to menace the helpless inhabitants of Hollyoaks. Myra McQueen is up the duff. Ste is still around. And Tony Hutchinson.

There is no God.

These are the times we live in. In the grim dark future of Chester there is only war.

Notable characters[edit]

Present[edit]

  • Warren Fox- The horror ! The Horror ! Lovecraftian monster via Sheffield. Went to The East End for a while but came back. Has slept with most of the murderous female characters but surprisingly not Mercenary "Mercedes" McQueen. Presumably this is because the spawn they would create would be akin to the Anti-Christ and bring about the end of the Oaks !
  • Tony Hutchinson - The Ken Barlow of Hollyoaks. Yup. You know the bloke going to be there to the fucking end. Insomia Tonic. Competing with Henry VIII in the "how many wives ?" stakes. Now shacked up with that bird from Brookside.
  • Diane O'Conner - Brookside Escapee. Married to Tony Hutchinson. Mother of two scutters which begs the question - were they who shall not be named always bad or was it the evil influence of Oak's that sent them that way ?
  • Scott Drinkwell - Diane's Camp as fuck nephew. Not John Inman but it says a lot when even that nice John Paul McQueen refers to somebody as a "mincer".
  • Lily Drinkwell - Diane's niece. Female John Paul. Bit of a self harmer. Poor Girl. Currently dead.
  • Dirk Savage - Bob Hoskins meets Harold Steptoe with a 1970s Porn name. Seemingly nice giant who has shacked up with Cindy Cunningham. God only knows what his sins were in past life. Poor Bastard.
  • Nick Savage - Dirk Savage's nonce nephew. Trainee Nurse who thinks that telling jokes to a historic mental health patient whose daughter has just fucking died is a smart idea. Says it all. No wonder the NHS is in fucking crisis. Gradually replacing Dodger as in position of king emperor twat.
  • Cindy Cunningham - Unsuccessful jail bait turned successful gold digger. Currently going out with Bob Hoskins. Has calmed down a bit.
  • Jack Osborne - Indebted bar owner. Faked his own death because....err...it seemed like a good idea at the time? Oh and he hasn't had a storyline in 7 years too (what? we're not kidding) Update : Jack is now the center of his own storyline. Breakout the Champagne !
  • Darren Osborne - Used to be in a boy band, dresses like MC Hammer's pimp. Used to speak with a cod American accent but came to his senses.
  • Holly Cunningham - Used to be a lovely girl, then swapped appearances twice like Doctor Who and turned into her Mum. She's a bit of a goer sleeping with twin brothers then the bloke whose girlfriend died in car crash that Holly caused. Now stepping out with pervy male nurse.
  • Tom Cunningham - Used to be the demon child of Chester taking into account that everybody who came into account with him died : Gordon, Helen, Max, Steph. Tom has passed on the curse to Peri after underage intercourse. Yes SEX. Filthy Bastard. Presumably when Channel 4 is eventually privatized by evil Tories the final episode will reveal that all the events that have taken place in Hollyoaks are nothing but a delusion in the mind of crack addict, adult Tom. Escape young man when you can !
  • Frankie Osborne - Wannabe Peggy Mitchell. Bit of a milf. Likes Greasy Mechanics and poundland Spaniards.
  • Esther Bloom - The lesbian equivalent of John, Paul, George & Ringo McQueen. Grand-daughter of Frankie. Has put up with a lot of shit. Now stepping out with scary as fuck gangster wannabe Grace Black.
  • Nancy Hayton - Super-feminist turned oppressed housewife turned Mega-feminist. Survived a lot of trouble with the local tranny Chris. But her most amazing survival was from Jacqui McQueen's glamorous interior design to her flat. (She draped everything in leopard print *shudder*). Note: What is uncanny is that Actress Jessica Fox regularly changes her haircut style for no apparent reason. This may be some sort of symbolic critique about the quality of the show and its position in late 20th century/early 21st century british culture.

Seriously you could base a drinking game around Nancy's ever changing hair styles !

  • Ste Hay - Continues to be in the soap for no apparent reason as they are bit of a scutter, speaking of which...
  • Mercenary "Mercedes" McQueen. Biggest slag ever but Silas "slag killer" Blissett somehow missed her. Shame. Featured in Channel 5 documentary "Vaginas that kill". Note: she is most likely the reason your brother watches this. And your dad for that matter.
  • Michaela McQueen - Started out as somebody's mate, then for some reason the writers thought it would be great to meet her family. Has since disappeared for this crime.
  • John Paul George & Ringo McQueen - Beetles tribute. gay, nice but dull.
  • Myra McQueen - Matriarch of Chester's own "The Hills Have Got Eyes" style clan. Has her own cell in jail. Say a random male name and she's probably mated with them.
  • Cleo McQueen - Escape young lady whilst you can. The least offensive McQueen. Female version of John, Paul George and Ringo McQueen.
  • Maxine Minniver - Mitzeee's "older" sister who, because they've changed her character so much, is basically Mitzeee but three years ago. Hopefully she'll one day escape from the hellhole that is the Oaks, given the amount of bollocks she's put up with. I mean seriously, either that or she shall self combust. I'd like to believe that when the curtain is drawn on Hollyoaks She'd escape with Tom Cunningham And John, Paul, George and Ringo McQueen to more friendly territory.
  • Goldie McQueen - Further proof that the McQueen needs sterilizing. Mother to Hunter and Prince.
  • Hunter McQueen - The Bad sibling or Bart McQueen
  • Prince McQueen - The Good sibling or John, Paul, Ringo McQueen. Shagging his teacher Neeta. Good luck with that. It won't end well.
  • Sienna Blake - Makes Kristen Stewart look like Judi Dench. Mad as cat piss. Dodger's long-lost twin sister who looks nothing like him and incidentally later on boned him resulting in:
  • Nico "Northern Sadako" Blake - Imagine that Ken Loach directed a England set remake of Ring and you are there. Nico is a fucked up, incestuous murderess. Killed Trevor for boning her mum when only her Dad/Uncle will do. Sarumun to Peri's Sauron. Girl's got the crazy eyes. CRAAZY EYES. Quite possibly the best thing to happen to Oaks since Silas Blissett. Will no doubt be starting a band soon with Lou Reed and John Cale.
  • Peri Lomax - Elvin faced devil child. Raised up to believe her grandparents were her Mum and Dad. Actually daughter of Leela Lomax and Angry Scottish /Irish Bloke. Gained the Devil Child Curse after Tom shagged her. Thought that bullying a cancer ridden girl was a constructive way of getting Tom back. Ditto.
  • Leela Lomax. Female Firefighter who likes a pint or two but you know you would. Doesn't realize that Angry Scottish/Irish Bloke killed her Mum and Dad.
  • Tegan Lomax. Doesn't at all look like her sister Leela or her niece. Introduced in the soap via going into labor at bus stop. Classy lady. Like Celine McQueen Tegan is a nurse via great tradition Robin Asquith 1970's sex comedies/ Carry On Doctor films of having it off at work and very little nursing. Again its no wonder the NHS is in such fucking state. Apparently Tegan is qualified to work in every NHS department.Face Palm.
  • Angry Scottish/Irish Bloke Mk. VIII - Continues the great Hollyoaks tradition of Scottish or Irish men being portrayed as being constantly annoyed and somewhat prone to murder for example Killed his partners parents in car crash and may have even killed own brother.
  • Mac Nightengale - Bent Landlord of what was Jack's pub. A refugee from Channel 5 soap 'Family Affairs', constantly angry as a result.

Complete nob head.

  • Marnie Nightengale -Mac's ex-wife. Bit of a Milf/Bunny Boiler but weirdly posh - An adult calling Sue Ellen "Mummy" is something only a kinky degenerative should be doing after paying a lot of money.
  • Neeta Kaur - Mac's trophy fiancé. Was once the sole Asian in the village. Now having an affair with one of her pupil's in the grand Hollyoaks tradition. This looks like it will end well.
  • James Nightengale - Slimey oldest son of Mac and Marnie. Continues another great Hollyoaks tradition of that you must have at one gay nutter at all times to balance things out.
  • Ellie Nightengale - Sloane Ranger wannabe.
  • Alfie Nightengale - Son of Mac and Cindy Cunningham. Cindy Cunningham... Fucking hell, you'd think having a form of cancer is bad enough. Probably has a fantastic Games Workshop collection.
  • Louis Loveday - Shouty father of Loveday family. Has fantastic taste in scary women.
  • Simone Loveday - Snobbish Milf.
  • Lisa Loveday - Likes shagging her boyfriend's dad.
  • Fake Lisa Loveday/Sonya - We miss her. Can't they conveniently get rid of the real Lisa Loveday and replace her with fake Lisa/Sonya ?
  • Zack Loveday - Currently stepping out with Leela Lomax.. Doesn't know that his Dad has been there.
  • Sally St Claire - Father to John, Paul, George Ringo McQueen. He thought that his female headmaster was hitting on him. Nope actually his Dad secretly trying to get close to his son.
  • Grace Black - Blonde Bisexual Guy Ritchie Gangsterland style wannabe. Scary as fuck. Esther must like it rough.
  • Jesse Donavan - Hairdresser. Grace Black's brother. The mature one.
  • Adam Donavan - Hairdresser. Grace Black's brother. The silly one.
  • Darcy Wilde - Jesse's daftly named on/off fiancé. Bit of a cow.

Past[edit]

  • Freddie Roscoe - Has the personality of a really bad actor and looks permanently startled.
  • Amy Barnes - Good at being pregnant; not that great at staying with the beu-bies afterward. But who currrs right?
  • Nathan Nightengale - Boring second son. The only thing of interest to happen to him was his even more boring girlfriend dying in a carcrash and then boning the person who was responsible, Holly. Now Deceased. Died knowing that his girlfriend preferred older men like his Dad. Poor bastard.
  • Celine McQueen - Saucy Nurse who likes having it off in broom cupboards at work. No wonder the NHS is in poor condition. Killed by Angry Irish Man. The bastard.
  • Jade Albright - Deceased Girlfriend of Alfie Nightengale...Did he inherit her Games Workshop collection ? They killed Jade but still allow the McQueen famly to breed. What a fucking world !
  • Charles S'Avage - Doesn't understand how apostrophes work.
  • Joe Roscoe - Oldest, hardest Roscoe. Currently paying tribute to Joe Swanson of Family Guy. Now Dead after falling into Mercenary McQueen's Trapdoor - "You don't know what's down there"!
  • Theresa McQueen - Slutty Jail Bait. Permanently looks like she is about to go out on a exciting school trip.
  • Bart McQueen- 15? Ok mate....
  • Ziggy Roscoe - Is unable to wear shirts for prolonged periods of time due to a skin condition/producers taking advantage of teenage hormones....
  • Porsche McQueen - Left the 'oaks for the West-end and not Hollywood.
  • Jacqui McQueen - Angry yet vulnerable. Talks like a man dun't she? Yet one of the better McQueen family members........
  • Carmel McQueen - Ditzy blonde. Once one of the reasons why your brother watched Hollyoaks. Died in a train crash.
  • Reenie McQueen - Constantly on the sauce, husband is cheating on her with own daughter.
  • Texas Longford - Along with India, proves that the Longford parents were only good at fucking and geography.
  • Pakistan Longford - India's twin sister, shares exactly the same personality and storylines but appear in different scenes. Never seen in a room together.
  • Mississippi Longford - Same role as Pakistan only for Texas.
  • Popocatepetl Longford - Another Longford sister conceived near a volcano.
  • Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Longford - Her parents wish she was born somewhere else.
  • Lynsey Nolan - Apparantly there's a potato famine in Ireland again, because every Irish person ever introduced has now moved to Chester. Nice, probably with a twist. Turns out she's crazy, accused an old man of being a murderer when it turns out he's santa. Often leaves doors unlock. Most notable moment is seductively eating a hotdog. Very good at annoying murderers, knows more murderers than Jamie Lee "Tits" Curtis. Got killed.
  • Brendan Brady - Bad irish, probably with a twist. Twist is he's gay, but only when it suits him. Hugged his nan to death. Got fucked by Daddy.
  • Cheryl - An Irish Hurricane of Sexuality. Reason why your other older brother watches this.
  • Ricky Campbell - Anita's on-line boyfriend who pretended to be 20. Uses words like "babycakes" and "chickita". Got caught with weed (oooh, big deal) and had to endure that total weapon Rhys, aka The Sisterfucking One, taking the moral high ground. Yes, that's a guy who SHAGGED HIS SISTER taking the moral high ground over someone with a tenner's worth of weed. Hollyoaks promotes a bizarre moral code indeed.
  • Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Longford - Her parents wish she was born somewhere else.
  • Lynsey Nolan - Apparantly there's a potato famine in Ireland again, because every Irish person ever introduced has now moved to Chester. Nice, probably with a twist. Turns out she's crazy, accused an old man of being a murderer when it turns out he's santa. Often leaves doors unlock. Most notable moment is seductively eating a hotdog. Very good at annoying murderers, knows more murderers than Jamie Lee "Tits" Curtis. Got killed.
  • Mitzeee - Picture Cheryl Cole if she'd have never have won "Pop Stars The Rivals". Will shag anybody if they can kick a ball.
  • Riley Costello - Something to fill a page in the 2011 calendar. Pretends to be 17 in order to groom younger women.
  • Doug Carter - Drug Dealer, but a good drug dealer. Got attacked by Carl Costello. Got hugged gay.
  • Leanne Holliday- Wears a hat, to compliment her hideous personality
  • Sinead O'Connor (often pronounced Shhhhheyyynadddeeee) - Scouse 28 year old pretending to be a schoolgirl, months after being Andrew Lloyd Webber's bitch. Now appearing in Tabloids after getting kicked out for being too fond of the sauce.
  • Liberty Savage - Accidentally walked onto the set of Hollyoaks and since became a character.
  • Dodger "The Todger" Savage - Absolutey unrelentingly unbearable TWAT.
  • Will Savage - Geek played by a jock. Unable to take his geekiness seriously. Fancies a hot slut.
  • Jono - Curly haired idiot who struggles to say his own name. Looks like he's about to pass out every time he talks
  • Maddie Morrison - Mean girls reject who has a giant MOLE. The more evil she is, the bigger it gets.EVERYBODY is up her arse, more people have been up her arse than Mercenary McQueen.
  • Tilly Evans - Lesbian and ginger. She's the best of a bad bunch which really isn't saying much.
  • Callum Kane - Fish faced boy with facial hair, going out with a reject from Mean Girls. Has an Alkie mum who hates him.
  • Neil Cooper - Pointless token black guy with the personality of a toothpick. His mates don't even like him.
  • George Smith - Think dumbo meets Alan Carr. He's a a freaky looking boy with elephant ears and streetcorner pervert eyes. Talking of which, has an extensive amount of clean clothes and leads a normal life despite leaving in a dump. Would be used as currency in a prison
  • Scott Sabeka - Work experience lad who accidentally become a cast member. Mumbles his way through existence in the hope that a posh bird will have intercourse with him
  • Charles S'Avage - Doesn't understand how apostrophes work.
  • Barney Harper-McBride - Owned a castle but lost it when he refused to acknowledge himself as a failure to his parents.
  • Rob Edwards - It's that twat from Shameless who twatted that other twat but got twatted by that ginger twat who was later twatted by a GAY ginger twat! Playing another twat this time but not as violent.
  • Ash Kane - Punk? Emo? Goth? Does anybody care?
  • Analyse Appleton- Uptight posh bird with a nice arse.
  • Phoebe Jackson - Tramp with a dog. Likes the dog. Likes the dog alot. Too much actually.
  • Jodie Wilde - SLAG!
  • Ally Grogan - Aussie prick who may or may not be gay. We may or may not care.
  • Doctor Browning - In the healing profession, kills people. Obsessed with Slaggy Chav, pays her to fuck him when she do it for free.
  • Lacey Kane - Moody, has a hat, the extent of her character development.
  • Walker - Obsessed with his dead brother. Got fucked in the arse by Brendan, claims not to be gay.

Patrick 'that bloke off of Holby' Blake - Dodger's posh long-lost dad who is an utter creep. Killed by daughter Sienna or Northern Sadako.

  • Kevin Foster - Walker's bitch. If there was a staring contest between him and a mirror, he would be the clear victor.
  • Trevor Royle - Escaped from Guy Ritchie Land. Killed by Northern Sadako.
  • Robbie Roscoe - Runt of the litter. Utter Twat, though in a fashion different to Dodger. Bit of originality there.
  • Jason Roscoe - Twin of Robbie and uber-runt of the litter. Wishes he was the runt.
  • Rhys Ashworth - Town pariah because he boned his sister. We haven't forgotten as we don't have memories like goldfish, which is more that can be said for the show's writers. Unsurprisingly he got all jealous and angry when Hannah dated Justin which isn't that surprising given his sexual appetite for female siblings.
  • Amy Barnes - Good at being pregnant; not that great at staying with the beu-bies afterward. But who currrs right?
  • Leah Barnes - Plot device extraordinaire.
  • Sarah Barnes- Pissed off that her boyfriend was gay, only to later do the exact same thing to her boyfriend, by having some hot scissoring with Zoe. Started to date Lydia, who was mentally stable for 8 months before deciding she wanted to be mental. Jumped out of a helicopter and because she's a lesbian. This is due to the 1980s Horror film conventions that rule Hollyoaks land.
  • Louise Summers - Glamorous bitch, probably related to one of the Bratz dolls. Her plot to kill her fiancé failed when he killed her instead.
  • Niall "Feel The Wrath Of The" Rafferty - Long lost chav from the McQueen clan. Left on a church doorstep when he was small and returned for revenge on his family for doing so. Blew his family up, or at least tried to, but at least he got rid of the boring as f*ck libary chav (see below). He died when he slipped on a banana skin and fell backwards off a cliff (although was clearly being lowered down by a wire).
  • Tina McQueen - Library chav. Survived an explosion but died when she fell in a hole.
  • John Paul McQueen - Gay chav. He's gay and he's left. Briefly shagged a priest and was turned gay by Hannah the anorexic... Oh no wait I think that's what turned her anorexic... Thats about it. Oh he was a DJ...Yeah so there you go.
  • Kieron Hobbs - Gay ex-priest. Poisoned by his best mate while his boyfriend was simultaneously cheating on him. God doesn't take rejection too well it seems.
  • Nigel "Nige" Foster - Smack head drug dealer, slept with Sasha, pissed her brother Calvin off so he killed him....OR DID HE?! *cue to dramatic music even though nobody cares*
  • Max "Cunning Plan" Cunningham - A character who spent most of his life trying to think up stupid plans to get rich quick, in the end he decided to get married and die on the same day. Only character universally mourned. Famous last words - "I am Ronaldo" Set up a smoothie shop with OB his dodgy mate after forcing Tony at gunshot. He and OB called it 'Mobs' and has since encourage nothing but.
  • OB - Max: the sequel. Hobbies included trying to kill Clare Devine and hugging Max. A lot. Really a lot. Too much. Enough to seriously question both their sexualities.
  • Aleksander Malota - He came over here, stole one of our jobs... and then fucked off.
  • Sonny Valentine- Angry Rude-boy, ran off to Auntie (Actually got fired haha).
  • Danny Valentine - Still exists... we think, ran off after leaving his emo kid sister a note (got fired like his bro, knobhead!)
  • Benny Valentine - Got fired just like his 2 brothers, never actually made it onto the show as he forgot to turn up on his first day
  • Becca Dean - Paedo who married Jake, humped Justin, got stabbed and snuffed it. Tis life.
  • Jake Dean - Controlling husband. Went crazy insane because of ...well we're not quite sure why but he's in the loony bin now where facial hair equals lack of sanity. Was a complete and utter weapon and couldn't act for shit (even by Hollyoaks standards) so no big loss by any means.
  • Will Hackett - Is handy with a webcam and throwing people off buildings. Who said geeks were harmless?????
  • Katy Fox - Also referred to as Kay-ehh. Got upset and left. (Really, that's how it happened)
  • Warren Fox "es Glacier Mints" - The local thug who always liked to talk in a whisper so no one heard his evil plans to murder everyone on the show leaving him the only one alive. Also liked to grind his teeth when talking to people so they could smell the foxes glacier minty freshness. He died after he saw his own reflection.
  • Joe Spencer - Died in a fire. From Manchester. So nobody cared! Apart from Zoe for a minute before she jumped into bed with a psychopath.
  • Olivia Johnson - Plank of wood. Also died in the fire.
  • Justin Burton - If there was something fishy going on in the village, he was likely to be behind it. Left after he was kidnapped by Russ Owen. Boned his hot teacher which made him the winner of the Luckiest Boy in North West England Award 2006.
  • Mel Burton - Alcoholic, eventually died in a fire, too bad she drank so much, she burnt like a motherfucker!
  • Sophie Burton - Her twin sister, also died in aforementioned fire.
  • Sam Owen - Same fire, although he started it. Sexy bastard though and crazy psycho rapist like his friend Andy Holt.
  • Russ Owen - Became a fully qualified teacher in three weeks, then decided it wasn't for him and that he wanted to leave. Then he didn't. Then a fit bird turned up and asked him to go away with him, he wanted to leave again, but didn't. He then wanted to leave again but didn't and then finally with a little help from Carmel McQueen he nabbed his son and Justin and finally left.
  • Max McOwen - Blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby. Mother was black, father was a brunette. Recently abducted from his hopelessly needy auntie who thinks she is the mother.
  • Nicole Owen - Half teenage girl, half hamster. All cheeks.
  • The Owen Parents - Not really important. Likely to be found working at the cardboard box factory.
  • Noel Ashworth - Scored with Suzanne many moons ago and made Rhys. Half man, half leather jacket. Often likened to the Gallagher Brothers.
  • Beth Clement - Killed in a car crash. Karma isn't kind with incestuous pervs
  • Jess Harris - Heather Mills-McCartney with two legs
  • Summer Shaw - A STAGED singer! (really wasn't as interesting as they made it out to be)
  • Andy "Came To A Halt After He Was Impaled On A Pole" Holt - Crazy rapist guy. Last seen impaled on a conveniently placed pole.
  • Dannii Carbone - Dannii - Despite having a generally silly name, is generally a class act.
  • Cameron Clark - Joined Metallica and had his bollocks burned by Captain Ev!l
  • Ali Taylor - Killed in battle
  • Darlene Taylor - Nobody liked her, got her face slashed. Boffed Craig back in the days when he had dodgy longish hair and wasn't gay.
  • Justin's Mum - Moved away, can you blame the bitch?
  • Richard Taylor - Slept with other women. Owned a juice bar that EVERYONE went to.
  • Macki - Assassinated by Ali.
  • Wayne Tunniclife - Ugly fucker who Michaela McQueen went out with.
  • Les Hunter - Owned a garage, looked like a giant version of Ron Weasley's dad, spoke like a bastard.
  • Sally Hunter - Not important although she was nice - one of the better mums on the show. A little sour faced.
  • Lisa Hunter - Shacked up with Ben Davies. Had orgies. Developed STDs. Shared them. Sluts! Became a hidden character on Hollyoaks: In the city, unlockable through E4.
  • Dan Hunter - His car exploded. He died. Everybody was sad. Then they moved on.
  • Bombhead - Went to Ukraine with his long lost dad to join the circus. And you think this is a joke.
  • Ben Davies - Left, became another hidden character in Hollyoaks: In The City. Got shot in it, so that's what you get for leaving Hollyoaks!
  • Scott Anderson - Rapist who used a lot of hair gel.
  • Craig "I'm NOT Gay" Dean - Liked to wear vests when sleeping with John Paul. Likely to be found denying he's gay despite constantly bumming JP.
  • Spike - a podgy gay plot device designed to snarl at Craig a lot. Walked out of The Dog and never returned.
  • Clare "I'll Be Back" Devine - Rasputin without the charm. Strangled by half the village on separate occasions and survived. Pushed off a balcony and survived. Had a seizure and survived. Finally had a big fucking car crash into a lake and survived, before becoming trapped in a fire with no exits, yet she survived. Was once found in Eastenders, lying about her surname and having a short hair cut. You ain't fooling anyone, Clare! Got run over by Doctor Evil who upon realizing just casually glanced over and shrugged his shoulders.
  • Debbie Dean - Was going to marry Dan but couldn't marry a coffin. Fucked off on a boat. Yay!
  • Zara Morgan - Boz-eyed, snag-toothed, loud-mouthed ugly twat.
  • Izzy Davies - Posh totty.
  • Mandy Richardson - The Chester Bike. Was married to Tony, but left him when the baby died, speculation indicates the child died of malnutrition as Mandy never fed the poor little shit. A little bit frosty and icy.
  • Grace Hutchinson - Died sadly, thanks to fraggle rock dyke Nancy.
  • Melissa Hurst - Tragically died of anorexia/bulimia; now fronting a hot new ad campaign for PRADA.
  • Rob Hawthorne - Wanted to take over the world but couldn't even manage Chester.
  • Rae- The kindest, nicest girl in Hollyoaks. Oh, and she has a gypsy curse.
  • Burton Philips - (Who?!) Hidden character who can only be unlocked through E4 in Hollyoaks: In The City, not a very nice bloke. Their version of Warren.
  • Jamal - Has some secrets. Thinks all lesbians just need a "real man". Ran away during his wedding.
  • Duncan Donuts - A massive, hulking mess with a hot black sister.
  • DI Ethan Scott - The new super detective who has taken over as Hollyoaks' 1-man police force. Currently cheating on his girlfriend.
  • Father Francis - You actually thought this mega-horny catalogue model was a priest didn't you? Currently gambling away stolen charity money in Vegas.
  • Hannah Osborne née Ashworth - Thought she was fat but she's not. Later went to Denmark, came back married to some twat, almost got raped by a different twat with shaggy hair at a festival. Has trouble when having to act sad and trys to eat all the tears they put on her face.
  • Neville Ashworth - Kept in the dark. A bit of a racist. Calls gay people "woofters" sometimes. Has trouble controlling his nasal hair.
  • Josh Ashworth - Has cheekbones you could slice turkey off. Cries like a fucking baby at the drop of a hat. Went to Manchester for the weekend, got crabs, pushed Gilly down the stairs. Has recently been seen roaming the streets of Hollyoaks as a 'Raging Alcholic' Its been rumoured that he has drank more than 1 pint of beer in the space of an hour
  • Mike 'Barnsey' Barnes - Failed father and husband by every count. Boned a hot 20-year-old so fair play to him. Has now been introduced as a 'writer' but the hot 20 year old stole his script...darn
  • Calvin Valentine - Dildo headed Crime fighting big girl's blouse who could do with readig 'Acting for Dummies' even if he wouldn't understand it. Although, we suspect he has massive balls.
  • Sasha Valentine - From drugs to dating thugs; she likes to abuse her body. Followed Warren around like a dumb dog, moaning 'but I love him' every five minutes and oblivious to the fact he didn't give 2 shits about her.
  • Leo Valentine - Likes himself a scotch but to be fair who doesn't in Hollyoaks? Inkeeping with Black stereotypes, he gets women preggers and then fucks off.
  • Lauren Valentine - Emo that is steadily growing into a fully-developed sociopath, and from the look of her hair, sticks her fingers in sockets.
  • Zoe Carpenter - Shags mentally unstable men, gambling addicts, old men and occasionally her best mate/bf's daughter.
  • Kris Fisher - Irish bisexual crossdresser
  • Newt - Emo kid who makes even drag queens go "step back, mate. No one needs this much mascara". Despite being a schizophrenic and an emo, he has nevertheless turned into a pussy magnet recently. Things have changed a lot since I was at school.
  • Eli - Newt's evil imaginary friend (No, really).
  • Leila Roy - An artist! AN ARTIST, DAMMIT! Why won't you acknowledge and love her art?!
  • Ash Roy - Crazy rapist eyes! Disowned by his family for being a twat in every possible way.
  • Govinda "Gov" Roy - Neville Ashworth with a spicy twist.
  • Bel Roy - Works in Evissa. The end.
  • Archie Carpenter - Zoe's brother. Has apparently been standing two feet away to the left of the camera for three years until fully introduced as a man whore.
  • Gilly Roach - Desperately wishes he was an Ashworth (he'd probably would have had more luck with Beth) Went to Manchester for the weekend, got pushed down the stairs knocking out his front teeth. Very angry at Cancer.
  • Jennifique McQueen - THAT'S NOT A NAME you stupid Chav.
  • Nana McQueen - The Original McQueen responsible for Myra and her spawn of Chavs.
  • Carl Costello - An ex footballer, who has cheated on his wife. Batfuck insane and attacks his children's friends. Greasy.
  • Heidi Costello - An "independent businesswoman" who relies on her husband's money. A real stretch of the imagination, even by Hollyoaks standards.
  • Jasmine/Jason Costello - The Hayley Cropper of Hollyoaks, she wants to be a man.
  • Seth Costello - Nobody cares.
  • Lee Hunter- Came back from Emmerdale with a smug face and some kind of boring storyline. Lucky to have avoided being hit by a chimney during his time there
  • Silas Blissett aka George from Drop the Dead Donkey. Sweet old man who offs characters who are past their sell by date. Quite possibly the most exciting thing to happen to the village. Makes appearances now and then. Occasionally teams up with other super villains: Lindsey, Taylor Swift, Megatron. May have title of most popular soap serial killer taken from him by Northern Sadako. Maybe they'll fight Like Jason vs Freddy. That will be awesome.

Others - They all left after they either (a) - went insane and tried to kill someone, (b) - were killed in a fire/explosion started by a psycho, (c) - left after a lover died or (d) - were killed by Warren Fox.

  • Zak Barnes/Ramsey - Scouser who magically disappeared then returned with a different last name. Pretended to Join the army and his girlfriend Michaela got really angry with him. Decided to eventually join the war and Michaela got angry with him. But he left so its ok.
  • Hayley Ramsey - Zak's absent wheelchair-bound sister. She's been on it for weeks but Gaz (see below) stole the wheelchair. She now pulls herself along the floor trying to find the cameras. After one episode talking about her wheelchair, the producers have spent the rest of the time doing "the wheelchair doesn't hold her back in any way shape or form" story, which is quite unrealistic considering the amount of stairs in Hollyoaks.
  • Garry "Gaz" Bennett- Real life chav who occasionally walks on set to abuse cast members. Never edited out because Nobody cares. Local racist male chav....who went out with emo laureennn... you can't make this stuff up. You just know his death is gonna be painful and largely unnoticed. Thinks he is a hard nut with his shaven head and leather jacket and gets all the 'sexy' emo girls.
  • Jamie 'Fletch' Fletcher - Recurring family member (without a family) that nobody cared about. Left town a greasy smackhead.
  • Spencer Gray - Warren Fox's mentally retarded step-brother. Adorably daft.
  • Loretta Jones - Stripper whose hobbies include bird watching and soft stares. Again turned out to be a psycho. And no one knows whats happened to her since...
  • Lydia Hart - Regulation muff diver and psychopath. Went on holiday with two much hotter birds and then was surprised that they fancied each other and not her. Murdered inextricably hot girlfriend (Sarah) in tragic sky-diving "accident" when she cut her parachute strings instead of Zoe's. Most people think she should have cut her own parachute strings and saved everyone the misfortune of having her miserable face on screen for another month.
  • Daniel Raven - Has a ridiculous surname. Tries to convince Ste he is a "good father".
  • Abi Raven - Will soon begin to kidnap babies
  • Dave Cockburn - Twat! Drugged Theresa when she sneaked into his party... but who can blame him
  • Kyle Danger -Another rebel in a leather jacket! Although this ones threatened to hurt all the McQueens. Well he's definetly next up for the key to the villiage.

Notable past storylines[edit]

The rapist who ruined everyone's shit[edit]

After turning into a mad man after being pressured into drugging women and having his way with them, "Stone Cold" Sam Owen escaped was sent to prison. Eventually. It should be noted that this was not certain for a very long time, because Sam was a Good Rapist, as opposed to his mate Andy, who was a Evil Rapist. We know that Sam was a Good Rapist because he occasionally felt conflicted, and only raped strangers, not his friends. This passes for morality in Hollyoaks.

After he went to prison and thereby became all tough, which was made apparent by the growth of stubble, he escaped, and then kidnapped his fat sister, and escaped some more. In order to prove his love to the twin sister of the girl he didn't rape, he blew up the local pub. This resulted in the deaths of the non-rape twin and the twin he loved, a random guy and a random girl. Sam died too, which leaves two possible conclusions. Either he wanted to die, in which case Sam wins, or the stupid bastard wanted to just kill everyone and survive but died anyway, in which case he still wins because nobody else in the village has the balls to blow up a pub.

"Shit, that's a dead body"[edit]

Bombhead's Mum died, and he was too busy watching Deal Or No Deal to do anything about it. One day, for some reason, his friend Lee was about to fornicate with a female, when they noticed the body. Bombhead then joined the circus.

Stop, Or My Mum Will Die[edit]

Jake was pissed off at Becca, so he got drunk and went for a drive in his van. The Valentines' Mum crossed the road and was introduced to Hollyoaks Top Gear style. Ever since, Calvin Valentine has dressed up in black clothing and mime make up, roaming the streets at night trying to find his Mum's killers. Someone should probably tell him it was Jake...

Hot For Teacher[edit]

Classic story - boy likes teacher, teacher tells boy the harsh truth, teacher contradicts her own morals and has sex with boy and ultimately dumps him, boy extracts revenge by spreading lies which result in teacher getting sent to jail and brutally murdered by an inmate. We've seen it a thousand times, but never has it been more emotional and dramatic than between Justin Burton and Becca Dean. Hollyoaks faced a swarm of criticism from fans when it was revealed that Becca Dean wasn't dead, but in fact now on The Bill.

Million Dollar Baby 2: The Slut[edit]

Amy Barnes wasn't happy being a respectable school girl with a future. Who ever is? Instead, she took the often popular route of having sex with a boy she'd met minutes before the act, and ended up having his kid. A good life is overrated.

The Little Villain That Couldn't[edit]

Clare Devine arrived on the scene much to the dismay of those who don't like shit characters played by bad actresses, and to the joy of those who do. Within minutes, she was married to Max Cunningham and had undergone a classic Hollyoaks personality transplant. The problem was that Clare couldn't quite hack it at being one of the bad guys, and just looked ridiculous. She ended up trying to kill Max, but failed when her car plunged into a lake. She was seen in an airport not long after the accident, fully dry and healthy, despite nobody seeing her leave the lake. Critics have labelled this scene was one of the most well written in soap history. Experts suggested that perhaps Clare Cunningham might have been a better villain had Gemma Bissix been capable of more than two facial expressions.

The Little Villain That Almost Did, But Was Still Pretty Shit[edit]

Clare returned, unfortunately, and killed Warren by melting the walls of his club with her bad breath and lack of acting ability. She failed to kill Hannah though, and ended up being arrested. Will she return? Let's fucking hope not.

The Racist Asshole Bully[edit]

Justin's black half brother Ali Achmed had been the victim of racist bullying for quite some time at the hands of school bully Macki and his lackeys. This storyline was made all the more believably by the fact that both Macki and his crew were all emo faggots with stupid haircuts and arms the size of matchsticks. Eventually Ali got sick of it and cut Macki's head off with a knife down a back alley. Upon realising the shit he'd just landed himself in, he ran out into the road and was hit by Jake who was still in shock from killing Momma Valentine. In the end, Justin won because he was still breathing.

McQueen Church Explosion[edit]

Many single mothers thought twice about leaving their newborn sons in a church and moving to a small village after seeing this storyline. Niall Rafferty, village hunk and bisexual hairdresser, was eventually revealed to be the long lost son of Myra McQueen, who has more kids than Gene Simmons. Never one to take things lying down, Niall decided to hold the entire family in a church and ask Myra questions, and for each question she got wrong, he would kill a member of the family along with a member 90s heart-throb boyband, New Kids On The Block. Eventually Rambo showed up and sorted things out, but not before part of the building collapsed and killed Tina McQueen. Upon Niall's return to the village, he was applauded and given the key to the village.

Stone Cold Steve Austin saves the day[edit]

After we found out Sam and Warren were alive, the village calls upon Stone Cold Steve Austin to open up a can of whoop ass on the rapists and after giving two Stunners he gives every single villager a Stunner and in revenge, the village joins WCW and ECW to take down the WWE with Stone Cold coming into the ring and creating a Stunner fest on the Hollyoaks villagers. Unfortunately once the excitement was over a small bird landed on his big bald head and he developed post-traumatic stress disorder. Since the incident he has been living in the South Pole disguised as a Japanese penguin with learning difficulties.

Alien Abduction[edit]

Elliot will soon be due to meet an Alien named Kevin. Oh wait, this is actually going to happen. I should be writing this on Wikipedia.

The Innocent Old Man Who Killed Everyone[edit]

Last Christmas, some old man killed Jupiter Longford and everyone was sad including all her similary named sisters (Except North Korea Longford who has never been allowed out of her basement). The old man then was revealed to be Santa Clause. He moved to Hollyoaks to kill other girls and then act all innocent. He killed some random bitch who was in the series for 4 episodes. Everyone was sad again.

Because channel 4 can't afford to create original shows, they made Hollyoaks Later which was shown, you guessed it, at a later time. In the latest story, Santa Claus was going to kill Slutty McQueen but then killed Rae (not that anyone would even realise she was gone). Everyone was sad. And last Thursday, Rae's body was found in Brendan 'Gay Moustache' O'Potato's car and he was arrested.

During the course of this poorly written story, Lynsey (who hates Christmas by the way) started tell everyone that the murderer was Santa Clause. Becuase she has no friends, no-one believed even to the point that she became homeless. She then decided to kill Santa Clause with a rock but unfortunately, he teleported to the North Pole and everyone though she was crazy again. Killed Mrs Clause on Halloween.

Santa got banged up but escaped in time for Christmas. Threatened to kill Azerbaijan Longford but instead tied her to a chair. While the police were out looking for Santa he got on a public bus and went back to the north pole.

The plot hole filled bus crash[edit]

In November, Tony, Cindy decide to hold their wedding with Ste and Doug, both of which will obviously not last. At the same time, Ruby and Jono, two characters who have absolutely no chemistry, decide to get married and so the 40-year-old sixth former decides to drive them to Gretna Green to get married. However, they are chased down by Esther and Bart who want to stop them (you can see where this is going). Obviously the 40-year-old sixth former decides to steal the minibus which has no brakes. As she speeds up, she can't stop the brakes and ploughs into the wedding venue, despite completely ignoring the fact that she could have either cut off the engine or drove into the hundreds of acres of field which surrounded the comparatively small venue.

The car crashes through the other side with most of the unbearable sixth formers escaping. However in order to save her own neck, the 40-year-old sixth former leaves the token black character to die in the ensuing explosion, which his memory being completely forgotten about two days later. Karma then catches up with her and as she is crushed under the car door which came flying off in the explosion in a scene of terrible special effects. Jono, Sheeeyyynnnnaayydddee and George then mourned the loss of their worst cast actor as the audience cheered.

As Doug is carried off to hospital with Leanne and Sao Paulo Longford by his side, Ste is put into a coma after being hit head on by the bus with Brendan by his side, continuing the never ending dull gay love triangle. Cindy and Tony go home with Cindy's recast daughter who turned up, who is meant to be 14 but looks like a fucking 35-year-old super model. Meanwhile Rhys is also killed off in a predictable twist.



Mercenary "Mercedes" McQueen and her deadly lady parts[edit]

Don't you open that Trap Door! You're a fool if you dare! Stay away from that Trap Door! Cos there's something down there!


In remembrance - Russ Owen, Malachy "Mal" Fisher, Calvin Valentine, Riley Costello, Carl Costello, Doctor Browning, Joe Roscoe.

( Key: Escaped but barely Alive, Died, Killed, Killed, Alive, Killed, Died)

Guest Stars on Hollyoaks[edit]

“You can put lipstick on a Hollyoaks actress, but they're still not really actresses”

~ Barack Obama on Hollyoaks

Over the years a number of celebrities have appeared, including :

Shaken Stevens, Norman Tebbit, Megatron, Skellator, MR T, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Satan, WU TANG CLAN, Rick James, Werner Herzog

and because he needed the money...

Donald Trump. During a ludicrous Grange Hill style plot, Top Trump threatened to flatten the Oaks and replace it with a luxury golfing resort. However he accidentally slept with Myra McQueen thinking that he was entering Theresa McQueen's room. The tango skinned Murder Clown was successfully blackmailed and stopped his evil plot.

Why Watch Hollyoaks then ?[edit]

Hollyoaks began airing in the mid 1990s. Although it was and still is aimed at teenagers, people who weren't attracted to watching Coronation Street or that one on the other side, had something that they could relate to at that time in their life and get behind. Taking this on board one of the attractions of Hollyoaks is that it is bullshit. Not bullshit in the sense that some soaps are, for example up its own arse like Coronation Street (Not everybody like Corrie ITV! ) or as miserable like Eastenders - Speaking of which For fucks sake you would think that the residents of Walford would be receiving valium in the post as a Local NHS policy taking into account how depressing their lives are -- Anyway I digress --- No Hollyoaks is bullshit in the sense that it can feature some dodgy acting and bad story-lines yet still be entertaining. It is harmless, daft nonsense.

How to Survive Hollyoaks[edit]

You have for some strange reason decided to move to Chester with Hollyoaks as the place to be despite there being signs clearly saying "DO NOT ENTER" as well as a scary picture of Warren Fox with the words "TURN AWAY NOW" written in what appears to be red paint below it...

After setting up home you become aware that there is something odd about the place and notice a high morbidly count. How do you get through this awful situation ? Here are a bunch of tips:

1. Do not, I repeat, Do not get trapped in Mercenary 'Mercedes' McQueen's gash. It is not as big as Joan Crawford's gash which allegedly contains a whole fleet of ships, an aircraft carrier, a cruise ship, a pool, a burger stand and disco but many a lost soul can be found there.

2. Do not befriend Sienna "I give children bad names" Blake. She is mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees and will no doubt get you involved in some fucking awful scheme. She is stepping out with Warren Fox. That alone should raise an alarm.

3. Do not be Gay, lesbian, Bisexual or Trans. If you are any of these it is extremely likely that the new love of your life will either be downright evil or a drug dealing gangster wannabe. They will develop stalker like traits and try to off you and members of your family.

4. Do not try to be different e.g. emo, punk, goth etc, use hair dye, have facial piercings etc.. You shall either suffer the same fate as #3 or develop a form of mental illness. It will not be a "real life mental illness" but rather the sort of mental illness that somebody who reads The Sun or The Daily Mail believes that is real. In other words: complete and utter bullshit.

The individual will therefore become a threat to their family and other people in the 'Oaks. Hollyoaks sadly has a track record of portraying individuals with conditions such as anorexia, bipolar, depression, and self-harming in a sympathetic manner but never Schizophrenia...never schizophrenia...

5. Do not drink alcohol or do drugs. Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs. Otherwise you are likely to meet the Grim Reaper or Warren Fox.

6. Do not befriends the McQueens. They don't appear to work but seem to have a quite a good jolly life, living rent free in what appears to be a three-storey house. Cannibalism as well as thievery therefore should not be ruled out.

7. Dead on midnight, if you say "Warren Fox" into a mirror three times everyone within a fifty meter radius incomprehensibly shits themselves.

8. Hollyoaks is slightly behind with the civil rights movement as coloured people are not allowed in the village unless they are at least half caucasian. Asian woman are only accepted if they have super-model looks.

9. The memory of any character is only capable of lasting a few months, therefore any characters who were in conflict will inevitably end up sleeping together, getting married or having an illegitimate baby together or some crazy-ass shit.

10. Do not attend any social events even if it raises the chance of you possibly getting off with one of the young cast members, I mean, villagers. Hollyoaks has at least 5 fires a year. You are very likely to be brutally killed..

11. If you arrive in the Oaks as a teenager try to escape before you reach the other side of 25 as you are likely to suffer a strange death... Otherwise Teenagers should especially be wary of the following:

i. Don't fall in love with your hot teacher. It is likely the Dark Gods of the 'OAKS shall either punish her or you. 
ii. Don't date anybody with the surname Cunningham, McQueen or Fox.
iii. Don't engage in Drug abuse. Alcohol is perfectly fine as long as you don't step near a car..

12. Do not go near Peri "Evil Elf Eyes" Lomax. Tom Cunningham used to have the Devil Child status but transferred it to Peri after SEX which is just like something out of a David Cronenberg film.

Hollyoaks Trivia[edit]

If a british drama student is ever rude to you, saying 'I've seen better acting on Hollyoaks' will shut them up.

Every now and then an episode of Hollyoaks shall feature central characters wearing very little clothing. Presumably this is to cynically attract ratings from its teenage audiences by playing on their hormones. A memorable late 1990's episode featured Becca Haydon (Nancy's hot sister) and Louise Summers comparing bikinis for the whole episode for no apparent reason and one of them eventually having incontinence. The writer is not making this shit up.

No one is ever seen to bathe and attend to their hygiene. Given previous point regarding nakedness, the latter is surprising.

As a general rule, men and women cannot stay just friends. As long as they have no desire to kill each other they must sleep together at least once if they have been acquainted for more than an hour.

When a character has nothing left to do they turn gay.

Only watched because it's after The Simpsons and the twat watching can't be bothered to change the channel...

Hipsters now have a monthly column in the NME warning what indie music has appeared in Holloaks.

Tony "I'll never ever leave, will you marry me?" Hutchinson is the only character remaining from the original cast.

When a boy and a girl meet for the first time they are obligated to flirt with each other, once they have rushed into a relationship it will then fail within a few months. Once this initiation process has taken place they may become friends. After which there is a 50% chance they will get back together for a 1 night stand or another failed relationship.

The University is not a real University, it has so few enrolled students that they all regardless of subject graduate in one small ceremony. There is only one flat for the students in halls. We NEVER see any of the other flats.

Writers keep adding characters who do not have an actual point or even a 2nd name!

Hollyoaks often put their camera's as close to the actor's face as possible. This makes all the village look like they have massive heads.

Hollyoaks village used to be tiny consisting of only one shop that had no second floor, but has grown over the years, to include a pond, a mural, and recently a car park.

"She'll never go out with me" can be roughly translated into "Give it a few months and she'll end her perfectly stable relationship for a quick fling with me"

Star Trek geeks and Emo kids are fanny magnets in a village full of glamorous bimbos.

A lone detective is always responsible for investigating all crimes in the village. Though that said they'll also won't think twice about hiring a regular character help them investigate crime scene, because you know that happens a lot in real life...