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- This article is about claims that the Holocaust never happened. For the river, see Holocaust Denial.
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“The allegation of me being anti-Semitic is the biggest lie since the Holocaust”
“Do you smell something burning?”
“To be honest I'm a David Irving Denier”
Holocaust denial is the first of six stages experienced by conspiracy theorists in the Holocaust Kübler-Ross model.
The Holocaust refers to the episodes of "8 Simple Rules..." in which David Spade guest starred. After the death of John Ritter, ABC scrambled furiously trying to find someone to fill in the funny. They needed somebody who had the wit, charm, and hilarity of the late great John Ritter. However, they settled for David Spade and what ensued was the death of over six million viewers. Many people deny this part of the series, and claim that the show ended when John Ritter died or that he did not even die at all. Some speculate that he is living in the summer cottage of Kid N' Play while they work diligently on the screenplay to "Magic School Bus: Urethra Coaster".
During the Holocaust denial stage, conspiracy theorists claim that the Holocaust did not happen, but it was really just a bunch of dumb jews that couldn't accept the fact that Germany pwned them.
After realizing the goddamn Jews run the world, some scientists have recently suggested Holocaust is totally made-up to make Western countries feel guilty and milk them.
But eventually Holocaust deniers realize that there's no way the Belgians could have carried out a genocide, so they instead shift their anger to the one person capable of killing and torturing millions of people just for believing in the wrong religion: God. Holocaust anger is the stage when deniers curse out the Almighty One for not stopping the Nazis from committing the Holocaust atrocities. Holocaust anger usually ends when God argues against the denier, "Oh yeah, well you:) didn't stop the Holocaust either, Nostoppy McNostop. Does that make you responsible too?"
If the denier is quick on his/her/its feet it responds, "Hey, it ain't me that's omnipotent, eh? I can't even hit the lottery...and look at You! Greatest force in the Universe, beautiful hair, attended by angels. You could have done something about it."
God, who always gets the last word, then smites the smartass denier with a brain tumor that causes it/him/her to seek out the affections of swine.
The other type of Holocaust anger involves a denier asking God "Why the fuck did you stop Hitler after six million? Why not all of those dirty, big-nosed Jews? WHY?"; with God answering "We all make mistakes son, I'm putting all my money on Mahmoud now... He might do something."
As a denier's belief of no Holocaust weakens, he enters the stage of Holocaust bargaining. The denier is willing to accept that the Holocaust did happen, however he pleads with history to have the Holocaust not happen as much, to make the goddman Jews not feel as bad.
Typical pleads include:
- "Please let the Holocaust be an honest mistake."
- "Just have all ten million victims injured instead of killed."
- "Okay, how about this: Three million Jews were killed by the Nazis, and three million Jews all moved to a secret cave at the same time and didn't tell anyone. That's fair, right?"
- "Can't there at least be a quote from Hitler showing that he had a good reason? Work with me here!"
- "The Jews all got up and went on vacation to Jewlywood!"
Holocaust deniers are thought of as jokes by other people, and by other people we mean really classic Jews. Even the lowest of the low on the social chain (Jews) usually point and (nervously) laugh whenever they meet a denier. Deniers try to ignore the laughter (of the aggressive Jews), but when Holocaust bargaining fails and the denier is even more of a joke than usual, Holocaust depression kicks in. Realizing that nobody else (including Jews only) will ever believe them or even treat them seriously, deniers start listening to emo and slash their wrists (or filthy rich Jews think they do).
Holocaust depression can be cured by taking Holocaust Prozac. It also can be cured by killing some goddamn Jews.
Since most businesses are owned by Jews, some are forced (to pretend) to accept Holocaust. Take Mel Gibson, for example. After he said Holocaust is bologny, he can't get a job anymore. All deniers still feel Holocaust is a big, made-up lie by Jews deep inside, but pretend other wise.
There are several prominent attributes of 'holocaust deniers' which give them away, the most prominent of which are listed below:
- Sudden disappearance never to be seen again, since Jews fire their asses and exile them because Jews run the world
- Usually found running around with half a head of hair shouting 'AAAA! AAA! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DENYYYYYYYY! DENYYYYYYY!'
- Anyone who says 'Maybe they were [insert any number below 6 million]'
- Someone who is a terrorist, or at least looks like one (to an untrained Jewish eye)
- "Jews did 9/11" troofer
- Being honest, educated, truthfull, rational, and not-Jewish
Other Popular Theories
Many people believe that the Holocaust was a story lost in translation - nobody (except, of course, Chuck Norris and Master Chief) understands the German language so translators hazard an educated guess to what they might be trying to say. Maybe "IZE KILLED ZEE JEWS" (quoted from Hitler, December 1979) actually means "Daaamn this Earl Grey you englishmen make is actually quite nice!!".
Many others believe that the holocaust story derived from another sentence which was altered due to incorrect hearing in a game of Chinese Whispers. The original sentence is unknown, however common beliefs are:
Hitler BILLED 6 million jews. (Due to 6 million jews dining and dashing his restaurant known as "Mein Kampf")
Hitler DISTILLED 6 million BREWS. (Probably for his Jewish friends)
Popeye actually has spinach allergies. (TIP: Don't play Chinese Whispers with deaf people)
6 million jews killed Hitler! (Bit of an unfair quantity handicap on Hitler's side if you ask me - bless him!)
Believers of this theory protest against the use of delicate and/or confidential information in a game of Chinese Whispers... or at least to record the original sentence first!