Holy Habits: Lingerie for Nuns
“A little leg or a modicum of cleavage is good for the soul.”
“Sexiness is next to godliness.”
“If nuns dress like this, there will be no need for pedophilia!.”
In an attempt to attract more young women to the nunnery and to reduce pedophilia on the part of priests, the Roman Catholic Church, with the Vatican's approval, has decreed that it is permissible for aspiring nuns to wear lingerie under their habits. In addition, more contemporary habits with mini skirts may be worn. However, both lingerie and habits for nuns must be of the type approved by His Holiness, who inspects models wearing proposed outfits each Tuesday afternoon. Generally, neither tattoos nor body jewelry are allowed, unless they have “religious significance.”
Reputedly inspired by Madonna’s video, Like a Virgin, in which the pop star sings and dances with a priest whom she seeks to seduce in a church sanctuary, the new line of fashionable under- and outwear for novice nuns, dubbed Holy Habits, is intended to improve the self-image and self-esteem of would-be nuns by making them feel sexy about themselves, both as women and as brides of Christ. However, the pontiff warns, there is a fine line between sexiness and sacrilege: “A little leg or a modicum of cleavage,” he decrees, “is good for the soul, but the holy bosom and the sacred mount of Venus are off limits.” Although there usually are no men at nunneries, it is possible that the devil might use “too much flesh” to turn the thoughts of novice nuns to “same-sex love or lesbian lust,” the pope cautions.
Among the designs that the Vatican has tentatively approved are the Holy Habits shown on this page.
Crucifixes and other fashion accessories may also be updated, but with the same prudence. Church officials warn that the use of a crucifix for the concealment of illicit drugs, such as occurs in the movie Cruel Intentions, will not be tolerated, nor should novice nuns expect to “wear phallic crucifixes” as necklaces or earrings “unless they are of a “tasteful and decorous design” or use them as “substitutes for the member virile” under any circumstances. They are to conduct themselves at all times in a chaste manner and to remember that they are “brides of Christ,” saving themselves for the honeymoon ahead. Chastity belts in a variety of colors and designs are available to those who have difficulty suppressing their “desires of the flesh,” His Holiness says.
His Holiness also considers this necklace to be of a “tasteful and decorous design” and acceptable for wearing as an accessory to the Holy Habits, and he is especially fond of the pull chain and the effect that its operation has on the pendant.