Holy Market
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The Holy Market was founded on the idea that people should pay for their sins. Most people couldn't get into the afterlife because they had too many sins, and so the church decided to start charging for sins and selling vouchers to get sins forgiven. Since most people don't donate to the collection plate, this was a good way for the church to earn money. Therefore, the major religions agreed on a price list:
[edit] Sins
All prices are in Euros, as Europeans sin the most, and furthermore, it makes judgment day transactions much more convenient - Hell joined the European Single Currency in 2005.
| Sin | Price |
|---|---|
| Adultery | €12.35 |
| Adultery with own wife | €300.00 |
| Adultery without an adult present | €600.00 |
| Bearing False Witness | €23.45 |
| Witness False Bearings | €54.32 |
| Wearing False Breasts | €9.99 Ea. |
| Lying | €21.35 |
| Lying down | €44.35 |
| Abortion (prior to birth) | €124.43 |
| Abortion (retroactive) | €20.00 |
| Gluttony | €1.99 |
| light Gluttony | €0.99 |
| Sloth | €5.45 per toe |
| Pride | €4.32 |
| Gay Pride | €412.50 |
| Pride (in the name of love) | €1.00 |
| Stop! (in the name of love) | €14.99 from HMV |
| Lust | €9.99 |
| Lust for love | €6.99 |
| Lust for life | €2.00 |
| Wanderlust | €0.50 |
| Greed | €99.45 |
| Envy | €3.50 |
| Green Envy | €3.80 |
| Poking A Badger With A Spoon | Mkt. Price |
| Wrath | €7.86 |
| Wraith | €1.00 |
| Stealing | €19.99 |
| Stealing bases | €9.99 |
| Lack of Fashion Sense | €4.68 |
| Lack of sense | €0.10 |
| Idol Worship | €8.34 |
| American Idol Worship | €200.00 |
| Billy Idol Worship | €19.99 |
| Sex out of wedlock | €18.99 |
| Sex with a lock | €40.99 |
| Abusing weaselpudge | €10.95 |
| Rejecting weaselpudge and accepting Bacon Mist | €120.40 |
| Worship of False Gods | €299.99 |
| Not keeping the Sabbath Holy | €15.43 |
| Homosexual Marriage | €69.69 |
| Heterosexual Marriage | €169.69 |
| Any form of marriage, accepted or otherwise | €69.69 |
| Masturbation | €0.25 |
| Masturbation with both hands | €1.25 |
| Masturbation with own feet | €5.25 |
| Masturbation with injuries to third parties | €8.25 |
| Molesting little boys | €0.50 |
| Masturbation with little boys | €0.25 |
| Using Religion for personal gain | €54.67 |
| Using Religion for sexual favours | €95.20 |
| Attacking other Religions | €2.99 |
| Militant Atheism | €299.50 |
| Being Stupid | €399.50 |
| Taking Part in The 80's | €This Amount |
| Misleading a Nation into War | priceless |
These are the major sins, more are added as people think up of new ways to sin.
[edit] Redemption Vouchers
In order to work of a large debt of sin, it was made possible to obtain Discount Vouchers, entitling the bearer to offset a certain value of sin. These "Redemption Vouchers" are valued, confusingly, in U.S. Dollars - this is because US Citizens are regarded as the most penitent, apologetic and downright polite people in the world (they bloody ought to be). The vouchers, and you, can be redeemed, in any church, online, or at the Pearly Gates. Some people, like John Kerry made a fortune selling vouchers on the Holy Market.
| Voucher | Price |
|---|---|
| Apology (not meaning it) | $0.05 |
| Apology (meaning it) | $2.50 |
| Confession to a stranger | $1.00 |
| Confession to a bum | $2.00 |
| Confession on Jerry Springer | $2.05 |
| Confession to the Wronged Party | $2.00 |
| Confession to a Police Officer | $3.00 |
| Confession to a priest | $10.00 |
| Confession to a Pope | $100.00 |
| Confession to one's Mother-in-law | $200.00 |
| Being Nice To Old People | $13.39 |
| Using Public Transport | $0.01 |
| A Day of Mission Work | $180.00 |
| A Day In the Stocks | $500.00 |
| Self Flagellation | $1000.00 |
| Cell Flagellation | $1.00 |
| Getting Stoned to death | $10,000.00 |
| Getting Stoned | -$1.49 |
| Becoming President | $10.00 |
| Loving your neighbour | $100.00 |
| Homosexually loving your neighbour | -$25.00 |
[edit] Controversy
Atheists objected to this, claiming that they should not be subject to vouchers or fines as they don't believe in God or any other deity, as it would be blasphemy to do so. That people should instead try to save the planet by buying carbon credits from Al Gore and friends to fight global warming instead. As a result this very article was submitted to VFD because it was considered useless and worthless and offends Atheists. Just that a majority of people voting on VFD that day happened to be Fundamentalist Christians and saved this article from deletion.
Martin Luthor protested, by saying that no religion should have a person pay money for their sins in order to be redeemed. That Jesus taught sinners to ask for forgiveness and then not sin every again. But that paying money to get sins forgiven is blasphemy and only leads to corruption. But then Supply-side Jesus said that Martin Luthor should stick to giving Superman a hard time, and that he supports redemption vouchers 100%, and that is the way that Supply-side Heaven is lined with gold by his church selling redemption vouchers. Also supportive was Black Jesus who said that it was the gangsta way of getting into Black Heaven as his followers are kept down by The Man and have to fight back to earn their freedom and respect. Besides Black Jesus needs his own fair share of the cut from gangstas because cocaine is one hellava drug.
