Homeless

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Homelessness was invented in the 1950's by the American Government as a ploy to get more of the taxpayers money without asking for tax. Homeless people may look real but they are actually government robots designed to look pathetic and smell funky. Below are examples of robotic homeless people and their annoying ways.

"No! Please. I don't my brat n5eed my windshield washed. Here - take this. Now go away."[edit]

When I see homeless people robots on the street, I just want to spit on them and kick them in the face. Mommy says it was a mistake bringing those people here to work for us. I hate homeless people.

"Get out my store! We don't want you here! Get out! No money, no good yep yep! (sorry jeremy)"[edit]

When not busy cluttering up the sidewalk with their sleeping selves, homeless people robots can be found working as meteorologists for the local news stations. You can often see them walking around, apparently aimless, with their hands out and asking for change in atmospheric conditions. It is believed that this practice of measuring changes in barometric pressure is something that homeless people brought from their dark lands where they make the Nikes.

"Vietnam vet my ass."[edit]

Programs to help the homeless have popped up all over America. In Florida, for instance, a new welfare-based initiative has been enacted whereby passersby can freely beat the living shit out of homeless people, causing the bums to run/keeping them moving and thus helping them to stay warm and well-oiled.

Because of these annoying issues and the Trojan Worm Virus, the government in New Orleans, the Louisiana government, along with FEMA, helped to start Operation Clean Sweep, or "Whitewash" for short. The idea behind OCS was to help rid the streets of "homeless people" by washing them away and down the drain, much like rice in a sink. Overzealousness led to rampant improvements in the city, many noting that not only were there no "homeless people" on the streets, but the people they are related to have seemingly disappeared as well. However the government is currently thinking up new ways to subliminally collect extra money. Some people believe they are planning on a new robot cripple factory to collect donations for their vinyl sex dungeons..er, I mean, roads and hospitals.

"Sheesh, look at that guy. My Wino-O-Meter is going off the charts."[edit]

It has been projected that by the year 2090, futuristic death stadiums known as 'Hobodomes' will begin to pop up across America. Partly inspired by the film 'Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome' and also partly inspired by America's love of whomping winos, the Hobodome will feature the vagrantiest vagrants of the world pitted against each other in vicious and hilarious battles. The loser receives death, the winner receives a box of wine and a coupon for a free meal at Sizzler and my underwear went to france

"F&@#ing meth-heads"[edit]

Starting in the late 1990s, Bill Clinton initiated a program to give unemployed and homeless white people jobs and stimulate various parts of the economy. His multi-pronged plan including getting unemployed and homeless white people hooked on methamphetamines, thereby helping the pharmaceutical companies gain profit, seeing as how their products are a major ingredient in meth. Then, more police would be hired to combat the 'meth problem', funneling money to the so-called 'war on drugs'. About the only person who wasn't helped by this government program are the average person on the street whom gets money begged from them.

The holy homeless guy[edit]

It is believed by many that follow the homeless religion that a chosen messiah will help them get out of economic struggle. It is believed he'll be from the streets with a big beard and corn-rows (the messaiah has to be tight dawg). Although many believe that he's only a myth many claim to have seen the 'light' when a black man with a beard and corn rows sold them a strange pill, this being the probable messaiah. It is believed the messaiah will rise in power by selling drugs and selling prostitutes giving thus the economic prosperity many expect.

Homeless Gibberish Translations[edit]

There have been many occasions when poeple have been baffled by the seemingly incoherent ramblings of the common hobo. Here now is the definitive translations of the most common phrases:

  1. "There aint no naught uh dem dere ant hats for all of em and i aint go none... (incoherent mumbles) ...of facing your way and ill kick your door down!"
    • Translation: Please close the refrigerator or the milk will spoil
  2. "Who ate my apple sauce? I told em it was mine and they took it from me! It aint right that a man's apple sauce go unprotected from the likes of what to do in the northern district of yur face!"
    • Translation: I lost my cat, will you help me find her?
  3. "Spare some change?"
    • Translation: Give me your wallet or I'll call the cops!
  4. "Bullsh1t!!"
    • Translation: Bullsh1t!!
  5. "I'm so hungry..."
    • Translation: It's still funny though, isn't it?
  6. "...I wish i could have gone to school..."
    • Translation: You're sick, you know that?
  7. "I bet i could swallow a fire hydrant, for five bucks I'll do anything."
    • Translation: Total balls, amn. Total balls...
  8. "Pardon me, goo Sir, but would you happen to have the time?"
    • Translation: YArg!, OuttA ma Weigh yA feckIN reJect! Ill kicK yur aRse acrosted to that Tehm thar netherS of Tu mattter (non-letters) Girfosia aFfgad ADFGgH !?
  9. im a Vietnam vet
    • translation: i used to slap hos for a livin'!
  10. hinge dinge duuurgan
    • translation: Kind sir, might I troblue you for a spot of change wot wot? Perhaps a quick cuppa tea for me insides eh?
  11. "When i was a yung'un like yew ah used to be able to bah thangs for less... (mumble mumble)...and then they tells meh mah cheese were rotten."
    • Translation: I just drank the last of my beer.

Food[edit]

It is believed that the homeless take change and turn it into nourishment. If they are deprived of change, they will slowly die, and if you had given them change, they will automatically forget that you gave them any and ask you for more. They only want more and can't live without it. I advise that you do not give them ANY change under ANY circumstances, or you shall face my wrath!

A pair of homeless people chillaxin', maxin', and relaxin.'

Homeless people are a group of subhumans (note: to get the full effect here, know that this used to say "a subgroup of humans")that wander throughout major cities begging people for change, because they havent accepted Jesus in their life, and are too lazy to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. The only group that scientists have found to be more worthless than homeless people, are olds.


Why They are Important[edit]

Homeless people are a very important part of our American society. Without homeless people, many children would be left without a costume idea on Halloween and large pharmaceutical companies would have no one to test their new medicine on. Also, there would be no one to sit on the sidewalk and beg people for change or die of heroin overdoses. Homeless people are also an extremely important part of the environment and ecosystem. When a homeless person dies, his or her nutrients are released back into the soil...or the sidewalk, depending. Without homeless people, we would have a loss of culture and people with gingivitis. We need them like they need a nice, long shower, clean underwear, and a new wristwatch.

A History of Homeless People in Our Society[edit]

The first recorded homeless person in North America was John Higsby Williamson, who lived in Jamestown from 1609-1623. Documents from that time indicate that he was a homeless person that was years ahead of his time, inventing many forms of panhandling still used today, and set precedents followed by many homeless people in the future.

The first major homeless people reform came about midway through the 19th century, when they became tired of alcohol, and were searching for a new drug to get high on. Well, they found it. Today, we know it by the name cocaine, but back then it was know as "Uncle Gus's Magic Powder." Historians are still in debate about how the name came around, but most believe it came from an old vendor's jingle.

In the 1960's, homeless people got the nickname, hippies. This made them a little irked. So, they invented rock 'n' roll to piss people off. It kinda worked, too. In the 1980's, three homeless people with a love for music camed together to form the band ZZ Top. This changed the course of human life...FOREVER.

Fun Facts about Homeless People[edit]

Here are some random fun facts about homeless people that will hopefully enlighten you:

  • They don't have a home.
  • When homeless people sneeze, they ejaculate.
  • Somewhere in the world, a homeless person is sneezing right now.
  • One out of every three homeless people have never bathed in their entire life.
  • Homeless people have no feelings.
  • Our 30th president, Warren Harding, was a homeless person.
  • Most homeless people have less than six teeth.
  • Homeless people can smell fear.
  • I happen to know a homeless guys behind Subway's that'll check your prostate for a sandwich
  • Homeless people often kill disturbed teenagers by setting them on fire or bashing them to death with baseball bats. As homelessness increases, the number of emos will show a corresponding decrease!
  • They make jokes about us behind our backs. :(
  • Some cannibals think homeless people are a delicacy.
  • For every homeless person that dies from an OD heroin, a child with cancer will die.
  • Homeless people have helped cloning the sheep Dolly...with their life.
  • Homeless people turn change into nourishment.
  • Homeless people shit gold, but only when they are sober.
  • Gave some kids some heavy weaponry, eventually causing a chain reaction leading to the creation of the Electric Boogaloo and the eventual suicide of Thaddeus T. Wafflebottom
  • Amazingly, homelessness disappeared from January 21, 1993 until January 21, 2001. According to the lack of media reports, there were no homeless people and the problem had been fixed.
  • A homeless French guy rediscovered the Peugeot 205
  • Most homeless people keep wild shopping carts as pets
  • Homes are homeless
  • Urine smells like homeless people.
  • Homeless people were invented by Al Gore.
  • Homeless people are regularly abducted by scientist for medical experiments. (But I never the heard the media say it! If they didn't say it, it must not be true!)

See also[edit]