Homestar Runner

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This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust
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We mean rewrite it!


“I am simply Oscar Wilde.”

~ Oscar Wilde on on the reason why his in on the Homestar Runner page

“Are you stupid?!”

~ Asuka Langley Sorya on No-armed folk with underbites and adorable speech imperdiments
The quickly cancelled Homestar Runner Variety Hour

Homestar Runner is a series of web documentaries produced by Michael Moore under the pseudonym Mike Chapman. It follows the life of Tom Skeritt living in Free Country USA.

Characters[edit]

Homestar Runner and Strong Bad try to make a living

Homestar Runner[edit]

Homestar Mikael Runner was born in 1975 to Norwegian immigrants Eirik and Marathon Runner. Rejected by his parents because of his considerable underbite, he proved himself by becoming a terrific athlete in college. Soon after going pro, he succumbed to the seductive pull of performance enhancers and was blackballed from track and field. This cost him lucrative endorsement deals with Fluffy Puff Inc. and Pepsi-Cola, manufacturers of delicious Melonade™. When filming began, Homestar was working as an administrative assistant at Thorax Corporation. He has since advanced in the company thanks to his friendship with company COO Pomushita "Pom Pom" Imoruka.

Homestar had a difficult childhood. His brother, Teodor "Home School" Winner, was gunned down by the Russian Mafia when Homestar was only eleven. Three years later, Homestar fathered a child by his then-girlfriend, Marzipan. The baby was given up for adoption, and went on to stardom as Crack Stuntman, renowned philanthropist and star of the popular Cheat Commandos film series.

Homestar and his current girlfriend, Strong Sad, share a house in one of the "good neighbourhoods" of FCUSA.

Strong Bad[edit]

The public face of FCUSA, Dan "Strong Bad" Strong was once a highly successful record producer, musician and scam artist. After a torrid sex scandal involving a young co-ed named Daphne, his career went into a freefall. His newest album, the high-concept "Meatball Face Butt", was an unqualified failure. FOX successfully sued Warner Bros. for the film rights to the popular Dangeresque franchise. The bank foreclosed on his twenty-acre estate, Fhqwhgads Ranch.

Broke and homeless, Strong Bad returned to his childhood home in FCUSA and moved back in with his parents. He took an entry-level position with Thorax Corporation, supplementing his meagre income with a "washed-up celebrity" reality TV series called "Strong Bad Emails".

Marzipan[edit]

Marzipan "Cherries" Jubilee was raised in Boston, Massachusetts. She moved to FCUSA at age sixteen when her parents divorced. Marzipan got into a destructive lifestyle, taking illegal drugs, working as a prostitute and having a baby with a boy two years her junior. After an on-and-off relationship that lasted fifteen years, she and Homestar entered into a brief but tumultuous marriage. The divorce was acrimonious, as the pair fought furiously over their pet: a yellow mixed-breed dog named "The Cheat." Marzipan eventually won custody, but soon gave The Cheat up for adoption and the dog was adopted by Strong Bad.

After four years of rehab, Marzi lives a changed life. She has adopted the Vegan lifestyle and is currently pursuing a relationship with Strong Bad.

Strong Sad[edit]

Millicent "Strong Sad" Strong is Strong Bad's sister and Homestar Runner's current girlfriend.

  • Strong Mad - This nobody is the least important character in the universe. He has no strength and fails at everything, even eating. In Season 9, he accidentally drank Strong Lad, killing him out of the series.
  • Strong Lad - Strong Bad's long lost Scottish cousin.
  • Strong Glad - The opposite of Strong Sad.
  • Strong Rad - Another cousin of Strong Bad's, a surfer from California. May or may not be radioactive.
  • Strong Ashlee Simpson - There is no such thing
  • Weak Good - .wohs eht fo retcarahc niam ehT

Red Shirt, White Star[edit]

Homestar takes one for da cause.

Although Homestar may seem dim-witted at times, he is the master strategist behind the Homestarmy which hopes to bring Communism to power in the USA. As Colonel Homestar Runner (son of Colonel Sanders), his boldest move may be seen in the 1945 film "Secret Recipes," in which Homestar proudly eats his own pinecone to escape a most embarrassing defeat. H*R is the abbreviation.

Once, Colonel Homestar and his second-in-command Third-Style Private Benintetto attempted an attack on the province of Free Country, USA known as Strong Badia and Attempted to assassinate the Governator of that province, Strong Bad. Luckily, with the help of his massive army of bears holding sharks, Strong Bad fought them off and managed to seriously injure Sgt. Benindetto, hospitalizing him until Labor Dabor, where he finally died, suffocating in his own upchuck. Homestar Runner and The Cheat were witnesses to this unfortunate happening. The H-Star himself said that the upchuck was "nice".

Inside Info/History[edit]

Many have asked how Strong Bad can type with boxing gloves on, but no one has thought to ask how Homestar can type without any hands at all. However, the answer is quite simple: he controls the keyboard by telekinesis, a very rare form of martial arts created to prove the saying, "When there's two Cheatcakes in the bush, there's a bird in your house." Homestar earned his wild cougar but lost to the Wagon Fulla Pancakes during the world "champ-een ship" of 1991. Having been defeated at martial arts, he now scores runs for a widely known sports team.

Homestar Runner was born with two arms, peach-colored skin, and abundant hair. But while at his high school prom, he drank some spiked melonade and bit his arms off because that was the only was the only way the leprechaun would give him his gold without burning down the school. He then tripped and fell into a vat of radiation. When he awoke 10 hours later, he found his body scarred white and completely void of all hair. He also became permanently insane from the mixture of alchohol and radioactive ooze. His feet were absolutely warped, fusing all toes together and causing the soles of his feet to change color. HE now thinks he lives in some fucking WIERD place called Free Country USA and he wants to create Communism there. The messed up thing is, Free Country USA really exists. O_o

Several times, Strong Bad has attempted to control the mind of Homestar, but has been unable to obtain information about the so-called "Grumblecakes" or has gotten thoughts other than the aforementioned "Grumblecakes." Homestar Runner's illegal habit of breaking into the homes of Free Country USA citizens, such as Strong Bad's house, has earned him several restraining orders, all eventually removed, including one from his girlfriend.

Homestar Runner's girlfriend Marzipan has filed several sexual harassment lawsuits against two drunkards named Coach Z and Bubs. Homestar testified in court during every trial saying each time, "Um... crapface,". He also hates incest. I don't know what that has to do with anything, though. Yet after the attack on "The Man", Homestar got rabies somehow and jumped into the ocean to live with his dolphin comrades.

Homestar Runner is widely known to shoot his victims twice in the head, once in the balls, and once in the foot just to screw with investigators. Puzzlingly, he always uses the same staple gun in his murders. Although he has been caught killing many people, he simply turns sideways and escapes law enforcement, going home to lay low for a few months and chill out two-dimensional-style.

Though not often mentioned, Homestar's famous shirt comes in two designs, the second of which has a communist sign on it. it is unclear which one he wears most often, although a star shaped tan can be seen when he removes the shirt.

Filmography[edit]

Homestar Runner began making films and playing in them in 1997, which he was 12. All films made before 2003 are amateur films which Homestar Runner was not mature, like he isn't now. Homestar Runner quit making amateur films by 1999, when he was 14, which he also created a series called "I quit!" to introduce his big break. They didn't sell very many.

Afterwords, he found a job as the spokesman for a small-town marshmallow company. During his first commercial, Homestar consumed exactly 147 glasses of Melon-Aid after each shoot, despite the product's numerous warning labels advising against doing so. When asked why he did this, he was quoted as saying "It's the only way I can get myself into a night-long coma by nightfall."

Homestar Runner regained the strength to make some new amateur films by 2002, when he was 17. The first 2002 films were the online series of homo-erotic videos with 101 episodes all put online.

Homestar also had a brief (but alas unseen) cameo on the television program Sweet Cuppin' Cakes. He played the role of Stupid Question Asker #87 for approximately 11 frames during the unaired pilot episode.

Quotes[edit]

  • "I know, can you believe it?"
  • "BALEETED!"
  • "what are you talking about strong bad. i wear long pants."
  • "im a long pants man long pants long pants"
  • "Well, I was gonna get a high five, but, I see that I'm already here. And with a snake on my head."
  • "Hey, Strong Sad, Batman. What are you guys doing in my house?"
  • "No, here is my grocery list: amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing."
  • "One, two, one, two..."
  • "Hey Strong Bad, have you seen my clothes?"

See also[edit]

External links[edit]