Honey

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“Honey and nuts? Honey and nuts?! You all are sick.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Honey-Nut Cheerios

“I say who gets honey around here. And you ain't gettin' no honey tonight.”

~ Smokey the Bear on Honey

File:Honey-bear.jpg

Honey, affectionately known through the American south as “bee vomit”, is an ancient form of Splenda. It is a viscous fluid with a distinctive taste that has been described as “bacon-like” and “cloying” with hints of dead flounder. Recently, animal rights organizations have encouraged the use of alternative sweeteners, as most commercial honey is produced from swarms of killer bees who gorge themselves on puppy carcasses and Fecal Matter.

As the bees travel from puppy tree to puppy tree, they simultaneously kill and pollinate, ensuring the next generation of puppy victims.

Honey Formation[edit]

A lower-class worker bee will ingest puppy blood and fly back to its hive. Once it has paid an exorbitant tax to the dictatorial queen bee, also know as the "queen bee-yatch", the worker bee enters his section of the comb (known as the sweet tooth). After regurgitating and ingesting the puppy blood multiple times, it is slowly transformed into honey. Drone bees – the queen’s sex slaves and quality control monitors – test each honey deposit and give it a grade based on its clarity, color, cut, and congeniality.

Rove bee keepers, also known as beeterrorists, systematically raid hives in search of honey. If the bees cannot successfully bee-yatch slap the intruder away, he may take most if not all of their top-grade honey, leaving the low-grade honey (Five Buck Up-Chuck) behind.

Uses of Honey[edit]

Honey is traditionally spread on toast, Wild Toast, honey buns, kittens (pre-huffing), and especially difficult calculus equations.

Honey is also used to adhere prosthetic limbs to stupid people.

A recent use of Honey was to properly restore order to the disorderly, more importantly Don Imus, and his new hit single "Those Nappy Headed Hoes". Unfortunately, the press made a decision not to release the information, thinking that the public people of the world would ban honey for not being able to shut the racist mouth of Satan himself.

Controversy[edit]

"Don't Call Me Honey"[edit]

Calling someone "honey" used to be a term of endearment. Over time, however, the word was shortened to "hon" and then "ho" and then "ho-bag". Addressing anyone by these terms is generally considered to be a recipe for disaster. Today, it is more acceptable to call someone "Splenda", "Splend" or "Splend-bag".

Unfortunate Association with Winnie the Pooh[edit]

Winnie the Pooh, infamous assassin-turned-French-president-former honey dealer, credits honey as one of his inspirations. He has sponsored a ring of bee terrorists and controls most of the world’s market through a honey cartel. His distinctive bear-shaped vials of honey may offer the best bang for your buck, but be aware that all profits fund his militia and burgeoning ant paedophilia industry. Winnie once quoted " honey, well all I can say is it got me where I am today!"

See Also[edit]