Hopewell

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Hopewell is a type of volatile pollutant. It is also a large factory in Hawaii where rats are made. This article, however, is about Hopewell, a city in central Virginia widely known for its coughing industry, and located near Charles City. Due to its sullen appearance, terrible smells, and exceptionally low average intelligence quotients, it was deemed "Hopeless" by its inhabitants.

History[edit]

Hopeless was once a large field with nothing interesting in it. Suddenly, worn down houses, eroded brick buildings, and poor customer service burst from the ground all at once in 1986 after the airing of the first episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Virginia chose to recognize it as a city or a county (obese politicians are still disputing which to refer to it as).

After reaching the status of City or County, the combined forces of God and Zack Morris of Saved by the Bell (Not to be confused with Rich kids with Problems) decided to place a sign which designated the hopeless terrain "1337" via a cleverly placed road sign which to this day still eminates an aura of Jewish virgin beauty (see Jewbacca for more details.) However, while visitors often consider this a sign meaning the traditional definition of 1337, leet, they will be disappointed to discover that the warped Hopeless atmosphere, in which even the most basic laws of physics are near to being canceled out, often mirrors the definition of most objects on its own will. Therefore, leet would form it's opposite definiton: teel. Teel is described as "a pale yellow bland semidrying fatty oil," perfectly depicting the biological make-up of many Hopeless citizens.

Attractions[edit]

Hopeless appeals to people with no sense of smell, common sense, or dignity (also known as tourists). The following are some of the main reasons for this:

Appomattox Regional Library[edit]

Slightly at hell level, this depository of demonic documents lurks near a grassy field that will soon destroy your dreams.

City Point[edit]

Slightly above hell in the middle of a crevice in which is filled with molten lava lies a region called City Point, which nobody really knows and/or cares about. It seems to be the area where the James River and Hopewell Sewage River combine to form the James River. Locals of Hopeless renamed the latter to the Appomattox River to lure tourists into the choking smog, never to return without some manner of freakish mutation.

A Bowling Alley[edit]

Set out from the rest of the city, this deteriorated structure hosts unhealthy snacks and even unhealthier employees.

A McDonald's[edit]

Perched on a cliff inhabited by flying rats/children lies the local restaurant. Although not quite as set out as the Bowling Alley, the McDonald's restaurant caters to the needs of both tourists and humans at the same time. Citizens who require either material sustenance or reassurance of the survival of their culture (or lack thereof) can stop by for something to eat.

City Council Meetings[edit]

Also known as hell's 7th level, not to be confused with the 6th level also known as Black-people-like-to-rap-and-dance. The meetings almost always involve people going straight to hell without passing go or collecting $200. It is customary during the meetings for hundreds of douchebags to congregate within the council chambers and incoherently ramble on about useless bullshit (also known as 12 year olds).

Population[edit]

Hopeless consists of some odd number of people. As in it's an odd number, not an even number. The constant fluxuation of said population made it impossible to provide even a rough estimate; that is, until Colin Powell invented the egg beater, whose mechanical properties gave scientists a basis off of which to devise a precise number. The result was approximately 42. However, as researchers came to the conclusion that 42 is, in fact, an even number, they attempted to recall their findings, but it was too late; they were arrested and eaten by Hilary Duff.

Hopeless's population consists mainly of the following things:

Corn[edit]

Corn is delicious.

Geography and Climate[edit]

The city/county/(bacon?) of Hopeless resides along a river of acid swarming with mutated broccoli monkeys, and the occasional Betty Crocker clone. Usually suffering from frequent downpours, the citizens have grown used to them by avoiding plagiarism.

See Also[edit]

Charles City County Va.