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“I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HORCRUXES AND I WOULDN'T TELL YOU IF I DID! Unless you favor me with a morsel of that cheesecake...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Horcruxes

What the #$%@ are Horcruxes?[edit]

Horcruxes are objects that contain parts of your torn soul. They are very useful--after you die, Horcruxes are activated, and they live on as you.

Jesus Christ's ghost occupying his lamb horcrux.

Jesus was thought to have made countless horcruxes, like the holy grail and his lamb.

What Do You Need?[edit]

To make a horcrux, you need:


Look through the phone book until you find the name of someone you don't like. Show your adult the address, then tell him or her to "weaken them".

When you adult comes back, take a kitcken knife and put it into the enemy's eye very deep. it won't hurt, as long as your adult has beat them into numbness.

Lay your hand on the family heirloom and feel hatred towards the person. You may notice a slight tingling. This will become your horcrux.

Famous Horcruxes[edit]

As well as Jesus's lamb, many famous people have had Horcruxes.

  • Lord Voldemort-- Lots of stuff, including Nagini and some of Salazar Slytherin's preserved crap.
  • Michael Moore-- That baseball cap. He wants the trip from body to horcrux to be as quick as possible.
  • Dick Cheney-- Donald Rumsfeld. Cheney's soul has completely controlled Rumsfeld's body, leaving Rummy with no choice but to comply to the VP's every command.
  • Bill Gates-- In an amazing display of stupidity, Gates put his soul into the nostaligc first Windows installation CD. Now, whenever Gates's life is revived, he will be prone to frequent crashes.
  • Dick Clark-- The horcruxes themselves are not interesting, the amount is.
  • George Clooney -- Safely guarded copies of Ocean's Twelve and Intolerable Cruelty, numbering 6 in all (for we all know that 7 is the magic Horcrux number)
  • Oscar Wilde -- Many interesting objects that may not interest you.