“Hey I got an idea, lets fill a pop tart with nasty meat and sell it in a sleeve thing! Dunk it in a toilet.”
Hot Pockets are a type of "food" that if consumed will cause your bowels to be immediately flushed out and destroy your taste buds with it's acid-like cheese and "meats"
Types of Hot Pockets
Although the most common type of "Pocket" is of the "Hot" variety, there are many other types of "Pockets" that can result in a different, explosive, toilet-related death.
- Cold Pocket, very much the same as the Hot Pocket but full of dry ice and the chunks of polar bears.
- Hard Pocket, A Hard frozen pocket filled with rusty dog crap.
- Zap Pockets, eliminates the need of a microwave. The Zap Pocket microwaves itself with a 50 watt bug-zapper.
- Potpourri Pocket, contents of Hot Pocket replaced by whatever the workers who make Hot Pockets find on the bus they take to the factory.
- Crap Pocket, (another name of the original Hot Pocket)
- Pepto Pockets, the pocket that comes with Pepto Bismol in it's gooey center. Now you don't have to spend the entire day in the bathroom!
- Oscar Wilde Pockets, a pocket filled with an interesting (sometimes creepy) quote from the lovable psyco. Much like fortune cookies
- Kitten Pockets, a hot pocket with added huffability! Also makes you rape cats!
- Death Pockets, a pocket filled with drain cleaner. Overall better then the original Hot Pocket.
- Grue Pockets, the hot pocket that bites back! Now with rabies!
- Roid Pockets, if surviving a hot pocket doesn't already make you a hero, then your 8 feet tall height, foot-thick muscles, small penis, and ability to rip a cow in half surely will.
- iPockets, now you you can listen and then eat the Jonas Brothers' newest single while it destroys both your mouth and ears.
- Penis Pockets, Originally a prank from one of the Mexican factory workers, it is essentially a hot pocket filled with white, gooey semen.
- PB & J Pockets. advertised as a peanut butter and jelly pocket, it is filled with blue bleach mixed with rubber and rotted peanut butter with E. Coli and Rotten Otter Meat.
- Rock-Em-Sock-Em Pockets. A type of pocket which to be consumed must first win a boxing match in which one pocket punches the pizza poop out of another pocket.
Hot Pocket varietys in development
Here are a few Hot Pocket variations currently being developed
- Lava Pockets
- America Pockets
- God Pockets
- Darth Pockets
- Hulk Pockets
- PWN Pockets
- Crack Pockets
- WMD Pockets
- Ass Pockets
- Panda Pockets
- Halo Pockets
- Pocket Pockets
- Magic Pockets
- And Many More!
A Slow Painful Death
To arm a Hot Pocket,throw away your dignity and self respect, then simply stick it in the microwave, on HIGH (or low if you have an Australian microwave) for two minutes, or three and a half minutes if you are arming two. Then serve to a mortal enemy, or your annoying girlfriend. The Hot Pocket is designed to, upon the first bite, eject a spurt of superheated cheese flavored embalming fluid directly into the victim's throat, searing it shut. The victim should die of asphyxiation within a few minutes. It is vitally important that you prepare a good escape plan beforehand, or at the very least hire an old scottish train hopper to pretend to be their friend after they are dead, therefore taking the blame off of you. On the plus side, the Hot Pocket will increase their bodies decomposition rate 3000-fold. Hot Pockets can also be used for sexual purposes, simply bite of one end and go to town.
Making Good from Bad
Between the years of 1940 and 1945 a Scientist simply known as Doctor Mario was hoping to find an alternate use for the throat burning Hot Pockets that had been used as the primary weapon for the Italians during WWII. He was ashamed by his hairy greasy mustachioed brothers, and vowed to make some good from the deadly weapon that they created. He hypothesized that by leaving a hot pocket in a microwave for more then fifteen minutes it would break it down into its most basic molecular form, Pure Energy. Doctor Mario believed that there was enough energy in one hot pocket to power a city for seven days.
Wario, or Wilber as he was never affectionately called was doing a very similar experiment around the same exact time. He however was not a doctor, in fact he was considered legally retarded. He wanted to find a way to turn hot pockets into gold; however there seemed to be no possible way to do this, and seeing as he never passed fifth grade science he had no idea how to even begin. He had been warned time after time that tampering with hot pockets was far too dangerous; his response was simply “Ima gunna win”. After several minutes of thinking it came to him “I got it” he yelled and threw a hot pocket into the microwave for 20 minutes and seven seconds. He then drank three liters of Pepto-Bismol and went into coma, doing all of this before pressing the start button.
History as we know it
On April 26, 1986, Chernobyl Power Plant in Ukraine experienced a catastrophe, when Hot Pocket number 4 exploded, causing massive cheese contamination and fallout.
On May 13th, 2007, President George W. Bush attempted to poison 34 radicals protesting his plan to raid Afghanistan, using Hot Pockets. He succeeded, saying that the Hot Pockets were "touched by God himself".
History as it happened
On August 6th 1945, Doctor Mario began testing the hot pocket by placing it in the microwave for 15 minutes. Thirteen minutes into the test, the rich, flaky crust had decayed allowing a strong yellow light to shoot out from the microwave. It was at this moment that Doctor Mario realized that he could not contain such power alone so he called Jesus on the phone. Jesus said "GTFO Mario I am GOD DAMN BUSY!!!11!!!one!!" and Mario realized he was alone. He reached for the microwave to turn it off but the timer had finished and the contents of the hot pocket exploded; vaporizing most of the city. Luckily for Doctor Mario he had a mushroom at hand and he was alright. Three days later Wario went into Mario's kitchen to steal some coins and stuff when he looked in the microwave, said "Holy Shit!" and pressed the start button. When the burnt cheese lit on fire it ripped a hole through space and time, launching Wario into the board game dimension were he was forced to party for all eternity… oh yeah and I guess some people died too.
Enemies of Hot Pockets
- HPEIR, the Hippies for the Prohibition of Everything Involving Radiation, have declared war against Hot Pockets for their role in sustaining the microwave market.
- The United Chefs of France, a premier trade union in the global culinary industry, are responsible for nine boycott attempts against Hot Pockets, all of which have failed. It is believed this is due to French culinary terrorists suffering a loss in the sales of their more traditional culinary terrorism services, which include the serving of snails as an "appetizer".
- A giant robotic picnic basket full of dead puppies whose name was Lesweiner once said that he didn't like Hot Pockets.
- The CEO's of McDonald's, who have been trying to fulfill the catastrophic effects of Hot Pockets for years.