House of Trouser
House of Trouser, a semi secret Society located somewhere in the Midlands
First created in 1025 BC by Pericles, the leader of Athens as a way for men with homosexual tendencies to unleash their urges, it later became simply a club for men to have fun. Some believe it is the inspiration behind the song "YMCA". It was outlawed by both Henry VIII and his son Oliver Cromwell,it enjoyed a resurrection by Charles II and Louis XIV in the French chapter. The Merry Monarch was reported by Robert Fitzroy to have " en joyed a merrie tyme wath thee Hows of Hose". Many considered the French Revolution to have been a direct result between an argument between Louis XVI and Robespierre, members both.
It has evolved into a well respected and sought after society, and demand has reached fever pitch, in particular in the Leicester Lodge.
There are now currently six full members, who are regulating body of the organisation, known as The Trousersnakes. Normal fee paying members are called Skirts. The leader , or the Cock Cobra, is Saul Oxen. He is 19 but looks about 40. He has a partner called Poppy, and six children, Hannibal,Hasdrubal,Hamilcar,Mago,Barca and Hubert Junior. The Treasurer of the society, known as Jew Snake, is Rave Corridor. He is a notorious bisexual, and currently has three partners, known as Harah, Kane and his parrakeet, Adolf. One a member of the BNP, he was jailed in 1989 aged 3 for claiming that "Jews horde money....FACT". He now has embraced Judaism, and is soon to become a Rabbi.
The keeper of all the society's Pornographic Material, a legendary collection worth an estimated $1.7 million, is Lucifer Worrysome, aged 46. He does not have a girlfriend, having lost his penis during the Falklands War, when he served in the Auxiliary Balloons Corps. His title is The Baron. He is a noted Conservative.
The defence of the society is run by Trouser Snake Nobert Centigan. His title is simply The Cunt. He is probably gay, and once had relations with the actress who plays Fizz Brown in Coronation Street.He has two children, Lucius and Winston. Seeing as Lucius is black, the child is probably not his. Dumb muppet.
All new members are monitored by the censor of the Society, Dieter Fallow, known with reverence as the Gingerconstrictor.He is with a boy called Melvin. Both have AIDS. His interests include Archery, Doestevsky novel and Buggery.
There is also a sixth Snake, called Dick Certainly. He is there for the sexual amusement of all wealthy donators to the House of Trouser. No one knows if he is male or female. Study on the few photos of Certainly lead experts such as Julius Picard to say " ..its a she-male"
The are many obscure activities that the House of Trouser engage in, many of which have passed into legend. The initiation is said to be particularly difficult, and in the passed 10 years 64% of those who tried have died. Initiation rites include
The Test of Kebabs
This involves the eating, in a two hour period, of six Doner Cobs that have been specificaly undercooked. The term used in The Snake Codebook is that the meat must be " Whimpering on the Plate". This is the task that killed Richard the Lionheart, and was why the Cock Cobra at the time, Gerald de Fallon, adopted the task.
The Rohypnol Challenge
This is a dangerous challenge, and is partly the reason why membership turnover is so high. It invloves getting inebriated, and then taking rohypnol and lying in a room, followed by one member raping the others. Former Jew Snake Samuel Pepys called it ".. a right laugh".
This is the main reason, apart from anal sex, that so many of the Snakes and Skirts sport vicious injurys. This task involves the members stripping naked, going in a pen and fighting each other with their feet, except that spurs are attached to the feet. This is why Appius Claudius the Blind, Roman Leader, became blind. Spur in the eye.Ouch.
The Field Fuck
This is one act the House of Trouser are infamous for. It a is a rule that if any member of the House of Trouser , at any time, screams " Field Fuck!, then all members have to congregate and pretend to engage in a heauxmeauxsexual orgy. This is taken very seriously, after it saved the lives of the Thespians at Marathon. It was a refusal to engage in a fieldfuck,or latifundiam mentulam that was the true reason that Gaius Julius Caesarwas stabbed by Brutus, who Plutarch said "..called it for a laugh". It was also while distracted by doing a fieldfuck that Harold II was killed by an arrow in the eye.
The House of Trouser in the 21st Century
Unlike the Masons and Oxfam, two other notable societies, the House of Trouser is not a charitable organisation. Indeed, when interviewed by a reporter from the New York Post, Nobert Centigan is reported to have said " Fuck poor people, they're all cunts anyway. Fuck 'em". During the contriversy after this, Rave Corridor said, confusingly " Yeh, we are a charity, we love the poor" to which Peter Hitchens retorted that another member, ie Centigan, had said the opposite. To which Corridor nodded and said " Sure, Yeah, Poor people are cunts." He then dropped to the floor and did a bizarre routine out of the room, like a crab, shouting " Spiderman, Spiderman". One eyewitness, George Dumfries MP, called the routine " Fucking weird", and another, reporter Frank Sachet, labelling Corridor, " that gay bastard".
In recent years a female equivalent has been created, called the House of Tampon. Its leader is called Ra Eve. The job of the House of Tampon is to clean the headquarters of the House of Trouser.They are according to Saul Oxen “…schlaaaags!”