This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Yes, you know it, tomorrow you have very high chances of getting your ass kicked. This is because you have to go to rugby training and you pretty much suck. Every rugby player on earth hates you, in fact, even when playing against another school most of the asskicking you receive is performed by your fellow teammates. Well, don't you worry you little defenseless creature, you came to the right place! What? No, of course I won't give you a heavy machine gun, leave aside a katana or any other sword for that matter (although that would be funnier). Instead I will give you knowledge forged by years of mandatory rugby training, please read on.
The Conventional Methods are very useful, apart from being conventional, which is their main characteristic. These will guarantee a happy rugby-bruises-free year and some free iPods. Yes, iPods! I will also add this valuable lesson a free iPod, I'll give you the url later, now concentrate on our lesson here.
Stuff you already know
Well, don’t be such a wimp. How many times were you beaten to (almost) death only because you don’t have the guts to do something slightly naughty? Just grab a medical prescription, photocopy it and write tons of excuses over the photocopied versions and photocopy them again. Or threaten your mother with a gun and make her write you notes everyday. Be creative. Pretend to be sick. Run away from home, or learn how to skip school, or dress like a girl, whatever it takes!
The No-Hands Technique was created as a last resort thingy. Many times, despite how hard you try to suck at it, the coach will eventually send you out there and make you play. By no means think you are fit to confront those huge steroids-fed beasts only because your mom secretly "talked" to the principal and complained about you never playing in the school's team. Instead, memorize the basic principles of the No-Hands.
Basic principles of the No-Hands Technique
- NEVER Never never touch the ball, that is basically why this is called the no hands technique. If you have problems associating touching the ball with danger think of it as something similar to playing Russian roulette, but with a fully loaded revolver.
- Seriously, stay away from that ball.
- Consider everyone in the field and out of the field an enemy: the adversaries, your teammates, the referee, both coaches, the line judge, the guy who carries water and some medicinal crap, and sometimes, even yourself.
- Kickoff: when its the opposing team turn to kick that demonic ball, simply run for your life (i.e. in the exact opposite direction of the ball), when its your team’s turn to kick it, just take it easy and make sure everybody in your team gets there before you do.
- The previous concept is very important: ALWAYS be late. If there is a ruck, maul or scrum (this is just for pissing everybody off, you won’t get away from this one) just be late. Get there when nobody needs you and pretend to be extremely tired.(as almost all props do anyway)
- If you find yourself in a situation where you think somebody will inevitably pass you the ball, run to the best player around (in fact anyone will do, they are all better than you, and they get all the fine ladies) and align 3 meters behind him. Most probably he will now be between you and that bastard who was trying to give you the ball. Of course, people will always give the ball to someone else rather than you.
- When summoned for a scrum always tie your laces, this way you will waste lots of precious rugby time.
- Always seem extremely tired or hurt to go on playing.
Advanced concepts of the No Hands Technique
There are none. This guide is intended for everyone, even, but not limited to, those whose mind is, well, not working very properly. Just memorize those concepts written above.
Rugby as a Religion
Rugby is the national religion of New Zealand. The gods of rugby, known as the All Blacks, reside at the peak of Mount Doom and are lorded over by Graham Henry. The uniform of the All Blacks was originally purported to be red, but has been charred black by repeated exposure to the relentless fires of Mordor. Mount Doom is often referred to by New Zealanders as Mount Cook, due to its tendency to fry unwary mortals. Past All Blacks alumni include incumbent overlord Helen Clark, Richie Maccaw (a rare flightless bird), and Frodo Baggins. The large scale persecution of soccer and cricket fans by ardent followers of the religion has led to a mass exodus of New Zealanders to neighbouring Australia.
Rugby fundamentalists are ever closer to gaining absolute control of the country, and are seen as one of the main threats to democracy in the region. The fight between good and evil culminates every four years in the Rugby World Cup. It is widely believed in New Zealand that the loss of the Rugby World Cup will bring on the end of the world. This is in fact believed to be of even greater threat to New Zealand than the possibility of a mass sheep uprising. The natural enemy of the rugby fanatic is the French referee. The "French ref" is believed to be a denizen of the underworld who exists solely to prevent the All Blacks from winning the World Cup.
These methods explore the obscure side of skipping rugby training. The fact that they are called “unconventional” doesn’t imply they are dangerous AT ALL. So please, feel free to use these great scientifically proven methods we gathered here for you, the average skinny loser.
- Pretend to be an emo. No rugby dude would dare touch one of those things.
- Break a leg/arm apart.
- Pretend to be lunatic. People will believe you if you do some crazy things like petting a grue, dance naked in the middle of the field, dressing in your mom’s clothes, whatever.
- Buy stuff. Nowadays you can buy almost everything, and yeah, this includes guns. Go for the big ones. Of course, don’t forget the ammo. Rugby field: lots of moving targets, just fire at random until they desperately run for their lives, now you can start aiming. WARNING: This method is way too efficient, believe me, you will never be caught playing rugby again, instead you might be occupied doing other things.
- Morph into MC Hammer
- Get a boob job.
- Announce that you are not feeling well and fart a lot. At least you won’t be in the scrums.
- Play as lock and sneak out of the scrums, you may be beaten by your own team, but at least you wont have to hold the props sweaty ass shirt.