HowTo:Avoid tentacle rape

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Catgirls, Hentai and furries, Oh my! This page contains catgirls, hentai and/or furries and is not safe for human consumption. If caught reading this page, roll over and play dead.

So you're walking down a lonely dark street deep in the night when, suddenly, you hear a voice call out from a nearby dark alley: "Psst, kid! Over here!" Innocently, you glance over, your freakishly long pinkish coloured hair waves in the air and your ridiculously large girly eyes blink dubiously at the dark corner. Gingerly stepping closer, you squint your eyes and tug self-consciously at your deliciously small schoolgirl skirt and uniform, and you see it's just some seemingly helpless hobo sitting on the ground.

Naively you walk over and ask, "What's wrong? Wow, you are sexy! Are you hurt?" when suddenly, the hobo asplodes into a massive tentacle monster with nasty green tentacles drooling with slime and snot. Terrified, you turn around and bolt down the street/corridor while somehow losing your skirt in the process. But the tentacles are too fast and so they grab you around your long womanly legs, creamy smooth thighs, lithe voluptuous waist, delicate soft arm, and it tightens around your vulnerable and slender throat, then the monster begins to slowly drag you back despite your terrified moans and futile struggles. "AAAAAAA!!" You scream, "A freakish hobo has grabbed me with slimy paralyzing tentacles! And the tentacles are slowly reaching up my unnecessarily short schoolgirl skirt and touching me in my naughty place! What can I do? What will this horrible monster do to me? I need an adult! I need an adult!"

In other words, How do I avoid tentacle rape?"

Contents 1 History and Background 2 Why you should avoid tentacle rape 3 Avoiding the tentacle rape (for conventional victims) 3.1 Always be polite 3.2 Always be docile 3.3 Never use your brain 3.4 On combating tentacle monsters 4 Avoiding tentacle rape (for the rest of us)

[edit] History and Background

Tentacle monsters (cumslurpus tentaclis, phylum Mollusca, class Cephalopoda) were once sea creatures, related to the octopus and the squid. (In fact, the octopussy, which is a cousin of the octopus and is named for the eight vaginas within its eight tentacles, is a direct ancestor of the tentacle monster.) Primordial tentacle monsters came out of the seas 65 million years ago, after the Chicxulub meteor impact scrambled their brains, raping each other and whatever small critters they could get their hands on, the dinosaurs having become newly extinct. No, Evolved. Their lust has continued unabated ever since. The tentacle monster's natural habitat is in Honshu, Japan, but monsters were exported to France during the Age of Disillusionment and the Age of Shark-Jumping, under Louis the Gloom King.

Tentacle monsters were first utilized by humanity during the brutal Reign of Cthulhu following the bloody period of the Revolution as a method of cleaning chimneys. Tentacle monsters were employed by Cthulhu-masters during the era to sweep out the ashes in crematories chimneys after the beheaded loyalists were burned. Jacobin commoners also hired the monsters to clean their chimneys as well.

However, on Christmas Eve, 1983, the famous Jacobin Picard family (the forefathers of the future Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise) was having their chimney cleaned by a tentacle monster when suddenly a fat man - Santa Clause - began to slide down the chimney to deliver the presents. However, due to Santa's great girth, he became stuck in the chimney, and the tentacle monster, unsure of what the hell it was feeling, probed in curious confusion. Needless to say, santa's red snow pants, Barney trousers, and chocolate thong did little to impede the squirming tentacles.

After pulling out a ham sandwich, three elves, a subordinate clause, and this article from Santa's asshole, the tentacle monster finally pushed Santa out through the chimney and onto the roof. Clenching in bitter humilation and embaressment, Santa trapped the monster's squirmy apendages in his butt (although other sources claim he clamped his butt because the hentai-izer may have donkey-punched Santa). Throwing himself on his sleigh, Santa commanded his reindeers (slang for Mexicans) to fly as far from this land as possible before daylight could reveal to the French his humilation. The monster eventually came loose and fell to the island of Japan.

And the rest is history.

[edit] Why you should avoid tentacle rape

If you’re a normal, healthy, breathing human being, it would be best to avoid tentacle rape. Why? Well, your body may enjoy it, but you are obligated to at least verbally protest having your insides get rearranged by shuffling tentacles. Generally, aftereffects of tentacle rape include the following rather horrible symptoms:

• Enlarging and discoloration of eyes: your eye size will increase anywhere from twenty to forty percent larger than previous, it’s color and shape may also change to strange pink/green colored polygons.
• Severe hair discoloration: your hair may change in color and luster; it may also have a tendency to behave in very non-hair-like fashions like extreme pixilated movements, chucking together, etc.
• Massive vagina distortion: you’re always going to be too tight for them.
• Severe constipation/diarrhea: tentacle monsters aren’t afraid to backdoor; this makes certain, normal, activities significantly more difficult. You may also have tentacles coming out of this hole.
• Difficulty in swallowing: You’ve three holes and they need to fill them all. You may also have tentacles coming out of this hole.
• Difficulty in hearing: Scratch that. You have five holes they could fill.
• Difficulty smelling and/or doing cocaine: 7, 7 holes they can fill.
• Difficulty seeing... 9... 9 holes they can fill.
• Difficulty urinating... good grief, 10 holes stuffed full of tentacles... that inflate and then vibrate...
• Breast Deformation... Damn, that makes it 12 tentacles.
• Tentacle entering and piercing your navel: That makes 13. 13 holes. Wow. [[<_<]]
• Double penetration does not always constitute more then one hole... 24 tentacles
• Forever ))<>((

[edit] Avoiding the tentacle rape (for conventional victims)

In short, if you look like a young, attractive, and skinny schoolgirl in your schoolgirl uniform alone by yourself in Japan, you can’t. Tentacle monsters will find their way into your vagina faster than you can gasp out in broken Romanized Japanese, “Toomete kudasai! Kono ookikute youma ni hai-tanai yo!”

However, this doesn’t mean you can’t futilely try to ward them off – it’ll prolong your suffering but make it much more realistic to the reader. Here are a few things to keep in mind when being tentacle raped.

[edit] Always be polite

Remember, just because a large tentacle monster is ripping up your vagina and doing everything from tearing out your uterus to impregnating your egg doesn’t give you, a woman, the right to be uppity. The monster hates that.

• Always say please: as in “Please stop!”, “Please! You’re hurting me!”, remember, you’re a schoolgirl…which means you’ve been schooled.
• Don’t act uncivilized: everything you do during your rape session must be graceful and elegant – not slobbery, slimy, and dirty.
• Don’t cuss: at least try not to, if you do and the monster does not approve, he’ll shut you up with a tentacle. However, he may do this anyway...
• Don't resist. The experience will be more pleasurable for the both of you if you just lay back and get raped. Face it. You are to be raped. By a fucking octopus.

[edit] Always be docile

Because you’re female, you’re automatically helpless against the awesome wrath of a tentacle monster and a male counter part after they have touched you in your naughty place.

• Don’t fight back: Attempting to fight and punch will only be futile, conserve your energy for more important things like telling the tentacle monster when you’ll reach orgasm.
• Don’t bite: Don’t even try; it is not possible. After all, if it was, then how come no one in any hentai flicks/books that you watch/read (and you do watch/read it) has ever done it? Surely, it’s impossible and futile.

[edit] Never use your brain

Seriously, just lie back and cry helplessly.

• Always wear skirts: they are very comfortable and attractive. Besides, if you wear pants, the tentacle monster will just ruin them by just ripping through them. At least this way you save $15 in clothing costs.
• Don’t point out plot holes: If the tentacle monster is intelligent enough to trick you into being henta-ized, then he must not only have a great comeback for whatever plot-hole you might see, he may also decide to turn your plot hole against you. In example, if a tentacle monster tells you, “Buawahaha! It’s because you weren’t there to protect your friend that I was able to rape her!” it’s your duty to sink to your knees in teary guilt and wait for the tentacles to grab you, after all, it was your fault! Never reply with, “Well, you’re the one that raped her…” The tentacle monster will only rape you harder. On the other hand, this plot hole could get raped along with you which makes 26, and NOBODY wants that. >>

[edit] On combating tentacle monsters

Before they touch you on your vagina (your instant weakness point), you can attempt to fight the tentacle monster. When doing so, remember to:

• Always strike a pose: striking poses frightens tentacle monsters and in no way gives them the needed time to grab you and rip off your clothes.
• Always name your attacks: that way, you’ll know what attack you’re using (i.e. Moon Crescent Kiss!). This also in no way gives the tentacle monster foreknowledge regarding how to counter your attack.
• High-kick whenever possible (preferably toward the camera): A properly landed high-kick will slightly injure the massive forty foot monster. The kick should be strong enough to send a tear like thing running down the back of the monster's head.
• Only use something sharp as a weapon, such as sword and axe. You can cut all those tentacles off so you won't get raped.
• Never use a gun, it will never hit, even if it does, it can't pierce through the monster's skin.

[edit] Avoiding tentacle rape (for the rest of us)

• Get out of Japan: although still existent, tentacle rapes outside of Japan are significantly rarer compared to inside Japan.
• Avoid the Internet: the web is full of rapists…and at least one fourth of them must have tentacles.
• Be fat and ugly: tentacle monsters have fears too, and if you’re ugly enough to scare them shitless, you’re home free, you fatass.
• Be old: once you’re past your prime, even your hand won’t want to have sex with you…which is good, because cum on your hairy palms looks icky. Old in Japan means 20.
• Be any other race besides Japanese, tentacle monsters will NEVER rape any girl that is

any other race. >_>