HowTo:Be A Hobo
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So you want to be a hobo. It's more than just sittin' around. It's more than begging. It's more than making gravy from old shoe leather. It's more than "being without home". It's more than riding the rails like some kind of locomotive dependent gypsy. It requires constant training so you can take on the demons and antelope that might just try to eat your last piece of food. This article will teach you how to become the Hobo you dream to be.
You need your hobo materials. First, take all the money you have and spend it on as much alcohol/cigars as you can. This requires patience because bankers are evil and will probably try to keep all your money. If they are really determined they might even state either that you have depleted your funds, never had an account with their institution, or they are not a bank and are in fact a McDonald's. If this happens, summon a grue/Chuck Norris on them. Ok now for the materials.
- Big Stick with a small towel- used for holding whatever rum that you have left from when you first bought the alcohol (Not usually needed. True hobos drink it all in one night.)
- Marker (used for begging purposes)
- Cardboard (used for begging purposes or toiletry) - Do not be fooled, it is neither a card nor a board. Size does matter when picking out, your soon to be, signage. If it is too small people will not be able to appreciate the spelling and grammatical errors tactically sewn into your massage. Too big can be just as bad, people would no doubt become jealous of your gigantic cardboard sign or conclude you're a wealth business man of some sort.
- Hammer or Brick (used for facial alterations) - I recommend a ball-peen hammer the rounded side allows you to do great detail work on your teeth. Bricks are also good and the randomness that is achieved is something you cannot get with anything else.
- Dog Crap(used for odor enhancement) - Your brand new perfume! Its a must for all, keeps away the bears. Plus its fun to rub around on your body and throw at people who throw their change at you.
- A big, shaggy dog. This will make people afraid of you so they will give you money in return for safe passage through your domain.
Now you have all your materials. Your next step is to leave your home and go to the dumpsters. Grab a cardboard box and a cup and set off on your journey through the great cities. Once there, find a respectable tree maybe some fellow hobos. Take the cardboard and marker. Write something that people wouldn't expect. Not the usual "I'm Hungry" crap. write something like "I'm evil. Feed me or I burn your house down or "Pay me and won't eat you." NEVER tell the truth that you are just gonna buy cigars and beer.
Now your training begins. Start by punching trees. Each successful blow increases your stamina by +1 for the next 30 minutes. You will also receive the "swollen hands" buff which increases your scariness rating by +10 for 24 hours. Once you are skilled enough to punch the biggest tree within a 10km radius of your base camp, you are now able to move up to the next level, punching rocks.
Now you have the power. Next for the skills. Hobos need to become masters of Kung Fu. If not, the police will try to take you away from your cozy cardboard box. Your mad Kung Fu skills will let you kick some highway control butt. To become the master of Kung Fu you can either go to a Kung Fu academy(BORING) or you can get help from the Sumo-Squirrels of the underworld. They have allied themselves with the Hobo Society and will help any hobos who need some skill. The other option is a 1/100000000 chance of working, but it is the most fun. Go to a public toilet and stick your head into the bowl. Flush the toilet. Your head will spin around as fast as a Cat with butter attached to its back. This spinning will cause your brain to be switched with Jackie Chan's enabling you to competently fight anyone up to twice your size.
Rules to Live By
- Bullet trains and monorails are never suitable alternatives to freight train travel.
- Recycling is for hippies.
- Never go to bed angry.
- Almost anything will burn in an oil drum.
- Remember it is not what you look like, but what you smell like.
- Gangrene is not always green
- Religious donations are not taxed
Now you got the skills to become a hobo. Now you need to enter the cheese wars or all hope of becoming a master hobo is lost. Put simply, the cheese wars are made up of cheese weapons. Unfortunately, only one person can come out victorious. That one person will receive the Certificate of Hobo-ness and will become an official member of the U.N.A.O.C.E. (Unified Ninja Association Of Cheese Eating) and will be allowed to be on the streets as a official hobo. The best name for a Hobo is usually Tommy Hackett