HowTo:Be Scott Brown
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“Even I can't beat Scott Brown. And I'm Chuck Norris”
“Scott Brown is the shiz”
How to Be Scott Brown
Become extremely buff and pose for Cosmo. This is set up to cause controversy for your future campaign and to annoy politically correct liberal nuts; and at the same time making your self even more appealing in a blue state. Not only that win Cosmo's "America's Sexiest Man," within the time frame of college. You'd be nude, but "You don't see anything." Sure... if that's what you want to call it.
Buy a pick-up truck. This is essential if you want to be Scott Brown or else how can you say "I'm just a guy who drives a truck?" You can't, and no you can't get that Ferrari, even if you're actually Scott Brown. Remember your campaign needs to have the phrase "gas that truck" and you have to embarrass Obama with the fact you drive a truck. And obviously this is to completely show up your feminine running mate who probably has an SUV. And everyone knows a pick up truck is ten times better than that piece of crap of an SUV. Yes, Martha Coakley had an SUV. So long story short: buy a pick up truck and run a bajillion miles on it.
Step 3: Comply to Scott Browns childhood and Growing Up
Well, first you need to be born in Maine and then grow up in Massachusetts. Start your participation in public politics and join the ROTC. You need to be active for thirty years in the Army National Guard. This will form your opinions on foreign diplomacy. Then live in Wrentham, get married, have wicked hot daughters and make sure you are not too well known before your campaign. This will appease the mostly liberal Massachusetts. For now...
Step 4:How to Run your Campaign
Well first get a stupid, dumb, idiotic liberal to run against you, being the most incompetent person to represent the Liberal Party ever. Like Martha Coakley. It would be best if it was Martha Coakley but if you can't try to find a replacement (that would be very hard, and yes that was a pun. Martha Coakley is a man). Now you personally need to start wracking up the miles on your pick-up truck meeting a ton of people all around of Massachusetts. You need to slowly accumulate money and eventually have commercials. Then your political opponent (preferably Mr. Coakley) needs to run a commercial campaign of hate ads making her look like a douche but you take it. Because you are the bigger man. Literally of course.
Step Five: Your Opponent
Then you need your opponent to say something wicked stupid. Saying "Schilling is on the Yankees" would do it. And then she needs to epically lose the debate and say the Taliban don't exist. And also that commies don't exist. This will show that she may be completely retarded and persuade educated people to not vote for her. The people who will are either left wing nuts or completely stupid. There isn't much of a difference. Then you have to have a wicked sketchy creeper run for the independent card and make a complete tool of himself. That should be easy. Finally a week before the election date you magically become famous and own your opponent in the polls. Say some controversial making yourself a true maverick, and not being completely crazy right wing Republican. Because in Massachusetts you're educated, unlike the South.
Step Six: Election Day
Now it's election day. If you are somehow at this point I commend you. This is so unlikely, thats like saying national health care will be passed. But if you are, you better start throwing a huge freakin' party at your head quarters. You need to have the support of singers and former Patriots and make sure they attend. Now make sure your opponent's party sucks. It has to be boring with like ten people there. Obviously Republicans have more fun and you need to show it. Hold your breath as the results are counted and win by about a seven percent margin. Your party will become even awesomer then you make a speech. Talk about how your daughters you have are available and make sure Mitt Romney speaks too. Be modest but on the inside obviously you're a cocky bastard. You just made history again and broke the filibuster (honestly I'd be worrying more that you're so excited you might filibust out of your pants).
Well, if you're here I'm impressed. I'm crapping my pants. One, I'm surprised you're actually reading this and two, you did the near impossible. Well you do whatever the hell you want. Because if you made it here what you say doesn't matter everybody loves you except them liberal loonies. But no one cares about them. Maybe you'll run for president and beat Obama. My gawd, you'd better who wants him again?! Not me. Not you. No one important really. Make sure SNL makes some well placed jokes about you and entice the Senate with your looks and awesomeness to get your way. Make America a true America, and stop the silly liberal loony group. That is how you be Scott Brown. Well a kinda Scott Brown. Even if your name is Scott Brown you can't be Scott Brown unless you're Scott Brown. Because he is Scott Brown. And he is the most freakin' awesome person ever. That's a fact.