HowTo:Be a Pimp
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The ancient art of Pimping is a noble and honorable one, often passed down from father to son for many generations. Some of the most successful pimping families can trace their business back into the early Middle Ages, when they were referred to as PympMaesters. It ain't easy.
Step One: The Clothes Maketh the Man
The right clothes are imperative for anyone hoping to be taken serious within the Pimping Industry.
- The correct suit is the most important item, go for pastel or electric colors, pinks, purples, yellow, and so on. Consider a Paisley design. The frillier the shirt the better.
- Wide brimmed hat, preferably with a large peacock (or related) feather. For added effect have it made out of the same material as the suit.
- Fur "Overcoat" - for summer use only.
- Pimping Boots are a must.
- The Pimping Kane. A good Pimp never goes anywhere without his Kane. They are both stylish and functional, as they can be used to smack greedy ho's in their bitch-ass.
- Always stick a cucumber down your pants. It helps.
Step Two: Drivin' in Style
The correct transportation is an important part of Pimping. Your car of choice, known as the Pimpmobile, needs to be lengthy and wide. Again efforts to have a car that matches your suit can be an added factor. Ideally your transport will have lots of room for yourself, your traveling companions, female guests, jacuzzi, liquor bar, widescreen TV, etc.
However, a pimp must always be somewhat alert while driving his pimpmobile, as the police are always tryin' to catch you ridin' dirty. This can easily be remedied by bustin' some caps and/or having your music so loud that you're swangin'.
Step Three: Physical Conditioning
Not many people realize this, but "it ain't easy bein' a pimp." No, pimping is a very demanding hobby that requires you to be at peak physical fitness in order to maximize pimposity.
Feel free to work your glutes and calves by over-exaggerating your strides in a procedure known as "The Walk." Many pimps augment this lolling gait by throwing in some shoulder swinging, enhancing the cardiovascular benefit. Due to the havok this wreaks on your center of gravity, this activity is not recommended without a sturdy cane. We recommend a gaudy coating of gold or inlaid gems to discern ownership should you decide to workout as a group.
Step Four: Ho Acquisition
As any self-respecting pimp knows, "Ain't no dough without no ho!" Ho's can be found in the produce section of your local grocery store, but be sure to check for firmness. A quick rap to the ho will tell you whether they have spoiled or are fresh enough for consumption. A solid ho fetches top-dollar on the market, and makes for a lovely quiche. Just remember that ho's ripen best when kept out of the sun and should be given three solid servings of crack daily to keep that glossy sheen.
Some tips for successful Pimping:
- Have Ugly Ho's: Many people prefer dog-ugly women, as they are less of a threat, and more homely.
- The Bling's the Thing: Large gold rings, chains and canes not only add to the image, but also double up as useful pimpslapping impliments.
- Go the Extra Mile: Why not try pimping Xzibit's ride?
- Lay the Smack Down: Anyone can administer a "BitchSlap", only a true Pimp can master the PimpSlap. Why not practice on your wife and kids? Remember to raise the hand close to the back of the head, about an inch above the top of the neck
- Dam Straight: If new to the business and having some trouble breaking out, why not "come out"? Play the "Gay" Pimp card, and a whole new clientèle will open up to you.
Further Reading: How To Be A Pimp