HowTo:Beat your wife

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“If you can't join them, beat them.”

~ J. Edgar Hoover on Women

“A dog, a woman and a walnut tree, the more you beat 'em the better they be.”

~ Rhyming Quincy on his jail sentence for beating his wife

“In Soviet Russia, bitch slaps you!”

~ Russian Reversal on Domestic Violence
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Disobedient woman in need of beating.


So your wife vehemently says, "No! Go screw yourself!" after you innocently ask her to "lend me your credit card to order internet porn". Or perhaps she growled "What the bloody hell?" after you relocated her make-up (into the trash) for your impressive collection of pornographic magazines. Or maybe she even protested "For the love of all that's holy, please stop!" when you pushed her into a corner and showed off the awesome power of your penis by repeatedly beating her in the face with it.

But what do you do now? She, as the supposedly obedient female, has openly disobeyed the man's superior orders. What do you do now that she, through not obeying, now has you by the short and curlies? You, as a male, have a duty to reclaim your manhood status through the best method possible... violence.

Contents

[edit] So you're going to beat your wife

Having one means you are always right (actual labeling and words are irrelevant).

First of all, Good for you!! That bitch deserves it (even if she doesn't). Remember, having a penis automatically makes you right. Conversely, having a vagina means you're always wrong. Before you can start the beating, there's a couple of things you'll want to do. Make sure you're not incredibly overweight and have enough dexterity in your hands to be able to grip things (a club, your wife's neck, your penis) or this will be much more difficult.


[edit] Possible Meritable Weapons

Anything can be used to smack the bitch down, but the following is a list of preferred weapons.

  • Belt: Easily acquired (just around your waist, unless you don't wear one) and painful if used right. Improper flicks of the wrist may cause the belt to double back and smack you in your damn face. Make sure that trousers do not fall down when belt is removed or you may leave yourself wide open to an attack on your undefended genitals.
  • Club: Much more effective and damaging than the belt. Can also be used to club baby seals. This is significantly harder to acquire. Check you local pawn shop.
  • Fists: Most convenient of all weapons. Use caution; improper punching technique may lead to injured or broken fingers. Accidental slip-ups may cause fist to be unretrievably lost inside the vagina.
  • Penis: Effective, poetic and just plain awesome. This technique is largely reserved for Blacks and Asians, most notably the Japanese. Note that inaccuracy may cause the penis to also be lost inside the vagina.
  • Car: Very powerful, but has a tendancy to cause massive collateral damage if wife is inside your house.
  • Another female: Stand the two women together and throw your voice. Make it look like they called each other 'skank'. Hilarity (and sometimes a great deal of eroticism) ensues.
  • Headbutt: Drop the nut on her. Make sure you're not wearing the helmet with the giant iron spike on though, we don't want her dead, just beaten.
  • Bitchslap: Who can forget this classic. Open up that hand of yours and smack it across her well deserving face. The Bitchslap is especially useful in situations such as fists being injured due to prior beating.

SO IF UR GONNA BEAT UR WIFE PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY USE A RAKE PLEASE

[edit] Techniques

While it is perfectly okay to use the Traditional Slap-across-the-cheek, it is very cliched and trite. Done too often, you will not instill fear but may cause her to counter-attack with greater force. To prevent such a travesty, men, most notably those hailing from impoverished Eastern European countries, have developed a series of potent anti-woman techniques:

[edit] The Eighteen Dragon Fist

Martial artist Zhang Yi Ling seeks more women to beat.

Called by its creaters, "Xiang Long Shi-Ba Zhang," this technique was originally developed by a caste of elite beggar martial artists in China. Further developed in the famous Chinese Shaoling Monastery, it quickly became an incredibly potent wife-beating technique. Largely focused on hitting all eighteen pressure points on the human body in rapid succession; successfully employing this tactic instantly defeats your target. It is difficult to execute because it requires long years of seclusive training... and after mastering, you wouldn't have had time to find a wife and get married.

[edit] The Final Atomic Buster

Zangief and buddies prepare to beat their wives after losing singing contract to Dschinghis Khan.

Practiced by a famous Russian Street Wrestler, this technique is simple to execute and extremely potent. Anyone with some balls can do it. First, ask one of your wife-beating friends for help. Don't be shy, wife beating is one of the best ways for males to bond without turning gay. After you've secured help, start the move by repeatedly punching at the air until you've charged your HYPERCOMBO bar to at least level two, then lunge toward the disobedient in a slow bear hug. If your grab is successful, your partner will also grab her, at which point both of you must jump to a ridiculous height before you come spinning down with the wife at the bottom. This move is very powerful and should be used sparingly. (Save it for flagrant occasions like when she asks you to take out the garbage).

[edit] The Dragon Ball Z

"Aaaaaaaaah! Damn you woman!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! You take out the trash!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!"

Hailing from Japan, this powerful move is more bark than bite. When executed properly, it'll scare the living hell out of the wife, neighbors, passersby, and a good portion of neighborhood pets. Before engaging this technique, it is suggested you have water handy.

Begin the technique rapidly trading blows with your wife. If done correctly, both your sets of hands will disappear into poorly drawn lines meant to designate rapid motion. Pause on separate rocks (or in mid-air) panting like madmen. Trade blows again. When you're done wasting your time, it's time to charge up - open your mouth and yell out whatever the hell you want at the top of your lungs for as long as you want. You'll eventually triumph after fifteen to sixteen days and god knows how many irritated shouts of "STFU!" [from] your neighbors.

It should be noted this technique, like most Japanese things, doesn't work that well.

[edit] Crippler Crossface

Easy. Get them into a Crippler Crossface.

[edit] Other Techniques

  • Five Across the Eyes. A very basic maneuver, usually enough to cover most situations when your wife is out of line. Put four fingers tightly together and leave the thumb to the side or fold behind the other four fingers. Smack your bitch across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part. Make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your wife think you're a pussy.
  • The Sucker Punch. Just ask "Hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.
  • The Yard Stick. Also known as The Meter Stick. This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks. Usually enough to send the message.
  • The One-Two Shut-the-Hell-Up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your wife won't shut the hell up. "I'm bored, I want this, I need my Insulin, Carry my purse..." etc. Smack your bitch (The Five Across the Eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your wife to start crying, then smack the slut again to let her know you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.
  • The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a husband, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (any time your wife comes home and begins a sentence with "I might be pregnant..." or " I’ve just……fill in the blank...."). The threat of this beating is enough to keep your wife from screwing up.
  • The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your wife giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning the house or filing your tax return, the Dragon Kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee you will only have to ask once after the Dragon Kick has been administered.
  • The Skull Thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your wife up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your wife to perform oral sex, when she makes a mistake. Hitting your wife when she is learning builds confidence or......undermines confidence. I can't remember which.
  • The One Handed Chauffeur Reach Around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your wife if she disrespects. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.
  • The Cane Intercept. If you're too old to chase your wife around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip her when she tries to get away. When she gets up, poke her in the head a few times to let her know who's boss.

[edit] Ultra Kombos

Ultra kombo techniques are extremely affective and should be used only be used in serious situations(Like when a wife doesnt want to cook) although not easy at all to administer to your(as black people indentify and will be indentified here as)"BITCH", Before utilizing this technique of sheer UnGodly power its safer to have played retarded hours of Killer instict to study which Ultra is good for you, for once you commence your Ultra Kombo of choice you cant stop until you finish thus leaving you open for an attack from your "BITCH" and making you look extremely ridiculous and a failure in the art of Beating your wife( we men with scrotums wouldnt want that now).

Here are the list of of Ultra Kombos from Killer Instict you can preform on your wife aka BITCH.

Thunder- This is a good way to start praticing your Ultras before you commence this one its good to atleast have a Mohawk with extreme hair gel so you can smash your mighty Mohawk in >insert wifes names< face also know as "Bitch".

Riptor-This is perfect for intermediate trainees of Ultras and for fans of the Jurassic Park chronology it involves alot of scracthing and biting( for people who want to literally show Miss. I can complain all I want, who the fucks boss.

Orchid-If you are a man and contain a penis and you attempt to administer this "womens" Ultra technique on your wife it'll result in a humiliating failure.These events will procede as followed #1 Wife aka "BITCH" will just laugh at you #2 Wife aka "BITCH" will proceed to tearing your penis off...See below for more information.

Combo- This Ultra Kombo is more affective for middle aged black men (niggaz) who are obsessed with running around their house in boxing trunks, speak ebonics, likes poppin their bitch in her mouth constantly and have administered the uppercut technique on their wife countless times before, if you do these things this is the ultra for you

Glacious- The famous Ultra Kombo technique used by the T-1000 himself against Sarah Connor, when Sarah Connor didnt want to give it up and was being an extreme cry baby suck ass pussy bitch, T-1000 knew this was the perfect remedy for a 24/7 period issue such as this one. P.S. if you cant turn into liquid I would advise to stay away from this one.

Spinal-This technique is for more advanced users of Ultra Kombos, Instruction should be followed.. #1 Wear a head band(preferably red) #2 Have a sharp object with you, but dont stab, slice we dont wanna end up killing the bitch that cooks and spread her legs so you can preform your manly sexual desires in anyway you want #3 Have a circular object(like a plate) so you can push the "BITCH" when he needs to calm her ass down and show her what your cookin.

Sabrewulf-Another advanced ultra technique this one contains many rolls, howling like a jackass and spinning around as if you were a fruitcake on a cocaine binge while having britney spears music blasting at full volume, even though it might seem extremely faggy its very affective for your uncontrollable "BITCH" when she wants to go shoppin and spend her hard earned money.

Jago-This Ultra tech is for dedicated experts in the art of beating your wife and Ultra techs(obviously).This requires you to have awesome ninja powers such being able to perform flips, kicks, ninja screams contain a ninja sword and a ninja suit without having any of these requirements your attempt at Jagos ultra will end up in complete failure and will result in ridicule from "bitch"

Cinder-Well what can I say about this specific tech, This tech strecthes to as far back to biblical times when the arts of beating your wife were still being practised from the bible in the first testament, many infamous people have administered this to countless "BITCHES" Jesus even used it on the Virgen Mary and she wasnt even his bitch,Jose should have but he was to much of a pussy but thats aside the point.. Heres famous people that favor the way Cinders Ultra puts the law down on your wife aka "bitch"

  1. Steven seagal
  2. The Pope
  3. Rick james
  4. Osama bin laden
  5. Bill Clinton
  6. Jackie Chan
  7. Edward from Twilight
  8. Elton john
  9. Richard Simmons
  10. Noah the douche bag that made the Ark.

Eyedol-Well...This is for people who just wanna go insane and club the shit outta their "bitch", Theres really nothing to explain just beath the shit outta her and yell like idiot, send her to the hospital if you can.

Fulgore aka baddest mother fucker-First I would like to start with a ((WARNING)) THE INDIVIDUAL WHO CAN USE THIS ULTRA TECH WILL FUCK YOU UP AND NOT GIVE TWO SHITS!! This is for masters who have been dedicated their lives to beating the shit out of women everywhere since he was born, the tech requirements in this ULTRA KOMBO are almost beyond reality its almost impossible to do only three people have been able to preform this tech and one of them isnt a regular human and it aint GOD or SATAN they cant even fuck with this.Requirements for this Ultra tech goes as follows

  1. You must attain the ability to shoot lasers out of your eyes
  2. Have the ability to disappear end up behind your opponent
  3. Have the patience and discipline to perform the SHORYUKEN and a HADOKEN.
  4. not really a requirement but it helps to have a ponytail for a little bit of a fear affect
  5. If your werent born with metal fangs on your hands try to have them surgically put there just to add a little bit of pain when you punch your "bitch"
  6. Try to emminate robotic sounds while performing Ultra for dramatic effect thus scaring "bitch"

After you have all these requieremmts you might be ready, but performing this dastardly deed in which if you make and error which could plunge the world into eternal darkness and slumber where wives beat men...so not cool. The list of people that have been able to preform Fulgores Ultraaaaaaaaaa Ultraaaa Ultraaaa Ultraaaa

  1. Scorpion from Mortal Kombat his sheer bad assness allowed him. Preformed on the Mortal Kombat chicks who didnt want to give it up.
  2. Joseph Smith the founder of morminism.preformed on several of his "bitches"
  3. Last but not least Chuck mother fuckin Norris its pretty obvious hes able to do it, and hes also the only entity to preform a combo breaker on Fulgores ultra, Chuck challenged Fulgore for no apparent reason (most likely since hes a bad ass I presume) Fulgore commenced with his Ultra and Chuck shut him down with a roundhouse kick to the fuckin face(talk about being a badass) Chuck then used his Enemy skill materia (which he stole from Cloud Strife himself) on Fulgore and learned it and has been using it on wives ever since.

[edit] The You're Going Straight to Hell for This

DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know...
That this method is similar to squirting water through a tire?

This unholy technique should never ever be used except for the most dire circumstances. Involving both goatse and tubgirl and your wife, this technique is so terrible that it is, in fact, incredibly difficult to describe. However, that doesn't mean it isn't possible for the dedicated wife-beater.

However, since I am, at best, a half hearted wife-beater, I won't bother mentioning the full details.


[edit] SHUT UP IM TRYING TO WATCH FOOTBALL!!!

U NO WEN UR TRYING TO WATCH THE BIG GAME OR ANOTHER WOMEN SPORT AND SHE KEEPS NAGGING U TO FLUSH THE TOILET AND UR TRYING TO EAT UR CORN TELL HER TO SHUT UP AND IF SHE HAS A GOOD COMEBACK JUST SAY UR MOM THEN SHOW HER UR PIMP HAND....

[edit] What if she retaliates?

Submission is guaranteed with my proven techniques!! If not, run like a bitch!

[edit] What if she retaliates and removes my penis?

You're now one of them and therefore no longer have the right to beat them. Apologize and beg for forgiveness. If granted, we (real penis possessing men) will come to beat the **** out of you. If denied, she will continue to beat the **** out of you.

[edit] List of women who have been beat

Disobedient female questioning your commands.

[edit] List of men who have beat women

"You're this close to getting your face beat in by my surgically implanted metal penis."

all real men, except Martin!

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