HowTo:Become A King

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It's good to be king! ahthankyouverymuch

Hey you.. Yes, you! Do you want to become a King?

You: Fuck off! I'm in no mood for your bullshit.

No, no, my friend, I can tell you how to become a king.

You: Why dont you do it yourself then and become a king? Huh?

Uhh... Umm... Well... I got some sick.. And... Uhh... You know, YOU can be a king; with a crown, a sceptre, a magnificent palace, lots of jewelry and everything, you know.

You: Bah! They ceased to exist back in the 18th century!

Of course they still exist, take a look at Great Britain, Laos or Saudi Arabia or something.

You: Oh, you got my attention here. You mean you will help me be one like them?

Yep, you will be like them. And more. Just do as I say!

You: Yay! Ok!

Have money and power[edit]

Be wary my liege, if you become King of England you may have to visit Canada, like this poor old bitch

It is unlikely that you have them since you are reading this. Still, try to be born to a stupidly-rich couple, preferably royalties.

You: ...Huh?!

Ok.. Use ACME Time Machine to go back in time and swap yourself for a royal baby.

You: I don't have enough money for that!

No, ACME's stuff is for free.

You: Whatever... Don't these time machines create worm holes or some nerdy stuff like that? I mean, how can I replace myself when I was a toddler? How can there be two of me? How can--

Whoa! Don't worry about creating wormholes in space-time continuum or anything, no worries; no problems. Hakuna Mattata!

You enter the time machine, and a second later...

You: I failed.

Be a citizen of a kingdom[edit]

Naturally, you will have to be a citizen of a country that is already a kingdom. Try to be born in a monarchy.

You: No, I'm Am├╝rikun and I like it this way.

then you'll have to stage a coup d'etat and get rid of the President/tribe chief/Big Brother and declare your country a monarchy, then be its king. Use ACME inflatable tanks for the coup, they work like a charm.

a week later

You: I failed.

Kill the king[edit]

Ok... This one is your last and best chance, don't waste it.. Ok. Fake yourself a birth certificate and a passport to make yourself a citizen of a kingdom, then replace the water in the old king's toilet flush box with TNG, pour it carefully, though. And wait till the king uses the toilet and flush.. You get my point? It will look like an accident.

You: Yea. I guess so.

Writer: Then trust me, it works.

later, the following week

Now, claim that you are the king's heir. Fake the old king's will with his signature for that purpose.

later that day

You: Yea! It's working! I am king!


All this is now yours, just make sure Nicholas Cage doesn't try and steal it all.

You're king, now
Don't you just love it, the title: His Majesty, King... uh, what's your name?

You: Power, I. HAVE. PAWWWAAAAR!! *cough cough*

Easy, my liege you don't want to have a seizure on your first day.

You: You're right, peasant!

Peasant?! I beg your pardon my liege, but can I be your royal advisor?

You: Oh, yes. I'm not that ungrateful. There, I dub thee Sir Writer, the royal advisor.

I am greatly honoured, my liege!

Taxes taxes taxes![edit]

Now, my liege, you need to have a good ol' royal treasury.

You: Aye, but we dont have enough gold

Yes, my liege, we need more gold.. Taxes, my liege, tax the living shit out of those peasants!

You: What if they revolt?

Crush them with steel, my liege

You raise the taxes by a factor of 19, people starve, you amass the largest treasury ever

Prove that you are the rightful king[edit]

...a year later

Secret Service Agent: Sire, there is a rebellion led by some crazy guy who claims to be a descendant of King Arthur and the rightful heir to the throne.

You: Oh, fuck!

Worry not my liege! To crush the rebellion, you'll have to prove that you are the God-sent king; release the Sword-in-Stone.

You: *whispering* But you know I'm not the God-sent king. You helped me be king in the first place.

I know, my liege. So, I'd recommend ACME triggered sword-in-stone. Worked fine with king Arthur himself.

The following day

You: Behold, my people, for I am your true king, and the Lord shalt help me release the divine Sword-in-Stone

You releases the sword, it breaks, people laugh, they are all sent to your dungeon

You need more proof[edit]

Watch out!

Looks like some people didn't fall for the Sword-in-Stone trick. You need more proof my liege, you need to slay a DRAGON!

You: A dragon?! Where can I find one? Are there any dragons alive?

Luckily for you, yes, there is one last dragon alive in a cave in Afghanistan, next to the McDonald's and opposite to the gas station. Now, you must go find it, cut off its fucking balls and slit its fucking throat. This time, I'd recommend the ACME Minigun That Looks Like A Sword. It will make the job easier and people wont notice.

You: Hmmm... I'll give it a try.

Slay the motherfucking dragon[edit]

A week later, in Afghanistan

Now, enter the cave where the motherfucking dragon reigns. You're all geared up and ready for the fight, go for it. Enter the cave and show your people that you are the true king.

You enter the cave

You: Ha! You green motherfucker, get ready to d--

Dragon roars and breathes fire


*in fake tears* Oh my God, I forgot to tell you to wear ACME Fireproof Armor.

You: You... B.. B.. Betrayed me *cough cough*

It wasn't intentional, my liege, and the dragon was not a flame-throwing tank in disguise. I am truly sorry my liege.

a week later during the funeral...

May you rest in peace, King Whatsyerface. You were a good king.... *fake tears* Don't worry, o great citizens, I'll take care of your kingdom... *more fake tears*


Finally, I am king. Muahahahaha!