HowTo:Become a Communist
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HowTo:Become a Communist
Becoming a communist is no easy feat, especially now that Ronald Reagan tore down the wall and stopped the USSR single-handedly. Thankfully, however, there are still places you can go to satisfy your need to live in a dictatorship of the proletariat. But you've got to really want it. I suggest first taking a gander at this.
What kind of communist do I want to be?
Before embarking on your collectivist adventure, it's important to know exactly what you want to get out of your chosen socio-political system.
I want to be a rebel!
Well, you could always be an anarchist. But if you've really got your heart set on everyone's favourite oppressive dystopia, here are a few things to start you off.
- Buy a beret and a Che T-shirt. Nothing says worker-driven revolution like a shirt made in Costa Rica for pennies!
- Read Das Kapital. This book is the magnum opus of Karl Marx, the least famous of the Marx brothers. Note that you don't have to understand it, just to know a few terms and phrases. Throw 'collectivisation' or 'subversion of the hetero-normative paradigm' into conversations, and you'll be beating off the unwashed Political Science students with a stick.
- Facial hair is a must. Whether you choose to go for the Stalin 'tache or the dishevelled Guevara look, you can't be clean-shaven and a communist at the same time.
- Stop bathing. Water is nothing but a puppet of the capitalist oppressors. True beauty is to be found in the smell of the sweat following a day's good, honest labour at the kolkhoz.
I really believe!
This may prove more difficult. Unless you plan on toppling your country's government by yourself, a better bet would be to insinuate yourself into a Communist society. Unfortunately, there aren't all that many of those left. We offer the following suggestions, written in ascending order of difficulty.
- Move to China. Probably the easiest option. China's economy has huge potential for growth, and Westerners with marketable skills will be welcomed with open arms. There are, however, certain problems for the true coinnesseur of communistic societies. For one, it's debateable whether China is truly communist at all any more. Sure, if you stand in the middle of Tiananmen Square and start shouting about freeing Tibet and Mao being a pederast, you'll find yourself introduced to the boots and rubber batons of the People's Security Bureau fairly quickly, but not everything in the country is state-controlled and you can likely avoid waiting in line for hours for cheap, tasteless food. A safe bet, but shaky ideologically.
- Live in a commune. Also problematic. There's nothing to stop you from actually doing it, but even in your oasis of free love and Marxist-Leninist theory discussion forums, you'd still be existing in the midst of an evil hierarchical society that could crush you like a bug at any moment. On the plus side, there would be an awful lot of free love. But then, it'd all be with the kind of people who go to live in communes. A mixed bag, plus you risk being first up against the wall if the fascists get bolshy again.
- Move to Venezuela. Not technically communist, but they wear a lot of red and nationalise things, so six of one and half a dozen of the other. Nice climate if you're in the mood for a holiday in a repressive communistic regime, although don't be surprised if it turns out like Hotel California and you can check in but never leave. Again, risking being on the pointy end of a US regime change if the oil stops flowing north. Even if you survive that, you'd still have to tolerate living under a new government which expects you to act like a junior American after being given your My First Democracy starter kit. Assuming that never happens, you can expect to be under a lot of suspicion, given that you're probably a gringo. But, then, everyone is under a lot of suspicion in Venezuela. It's how things get done. Not too bad, but risky in its own way. Try the pabellón criollo.
- Move to Cuba. Basically Venezuela for the hardcore. More of the same, but with less food, hotter weather, and nastier GULAGs. Sorry, 'military units to aid production'. Offer may expire soon, as the second Castro snuffs it the USAF will be into Cuban airspace dropping leaflets telling the people how Uncle Sam is their new best friend. Who knows, they might even believe it, and then where will you be? Gone the way of Batista. Good destination for your Super South American Socialist Adventure.
- Seize an island in the Great Barrier Reef and claim it in the name of socialism. Since no-one really cares about the Great Barrier Reef except Greenpeace, it may be several years before anyone even knows about it, and in that time you can be throwing another prawn on the barbie in the name of equal division of labour. The downside is that you're technically part of Australia, and they might not take kindly to the proud nation of The People's Republic of Yournamehereia. A solid plan. They might be capitalist dogs, but Foster's is really rather tasty.
- Move to Albania. O, fair and noble Albania! The last bastion of communism in Europe. It's basically a time-warp to 1985. The dystopian housing projects are still up, the secret police are still giving anyone they don't like the look of a shoeing, and you'll have to wait in line for approximately eight and a half years to be issued a heel of bread. The full monty. Designed for people who don't do things by halves.
- Build your own country. Probably the hardest option. Take a boat out to international waters, dump some pontoons, wood and dirt into the water and then get cracking trying to survive on it. You'll be the absolute ruler of however many people you can convince to come with you, and you can run things your way. Really get things done, y'know? If by 'things' you mean 'frantically trying to stay afloat and not starve to death'. Not a good idea. Best to size up the weakest of the group beforehand so you know who to eat first.
Now that you are a Communist, have at it and begin your journey to defeat the Great Satan. Disclaimer: The author is not liable for any deaths, rubber-baton beatings, starvations, injuries, plagues of locusts, American invasions or imprisonments incurred trying to follow any of these plans. For external use only.
Have a nice day, comrade.
- Communist commander 'the WSD' stalin, leader of the west-Oezbekistani armies. Currently planing to shout Jihad while blowing himself up on Times Square. A role model for every aspiring communist, he's even the proud owner of a bushy moustache.