HowTo:Become a Douche
Welcome to HowTo: become a Douche!
This page is dedicated to turning average Joe's into a full fledge Douche.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Becoming a "Douche" or "douchebag" as others would call it, is an exact and painstaking science. It takes dedication and hard work to become a great Douche. You can't just go and decide to become one and just like that become an awesome Douche! It takes lots of time, effort and pompousness... its like that story in the bible.. You know that story about the mustard seed. no not that one.. yeah! that other one.. cool! we understand each other..
All right then lets begin..
Lesson one:Looking like a Douche
To become an awesome Douche you must first know how to look like a douche. Just ask Ramez Saman how to do it.
Here is a perfect example of a Douche:
Observe how this guy is presenting himself in such a pompous and annoying manner. Notice the way he stands, his perfectly angled cap, that my friend is a perfect example of a Douche. He generates an air of aura that tells you that he is a Douche.
Also pay close attention to his costume, the tight fit, pink shirt, with its collar popped. This is a carefully constructed camouflage which works much in the same way as the scales on a chameleon. This outer shell of designer clothes and assorted accessories is designed to make himself feel "cool" and give him the confidence to be a Douche.
Just ask Ramez Saman how to do it.
Beginners in being a Douche should start by imitating this "look". There are of course other "Douche looks", but most of those are very advanced and very hard to pull off for beginners and should only be attempted by an expert Douche.
Lesson two:Talking like a Douche
Talking like a Douche is relatively easy, you just have to talk in such a way that you make every single conversation about your perfect abs and wicked sweet biceps. for example:
A non-Douche would say:
Hello there! You look great this morning!
A Douche would say:
Hello there! I look great this morning!
Notice the perfect execution of putting focus on himself. This is an important prerequisite in talking like a Douche. Every statement should always be about you, yourself and that awesome guy in the mirror.
Lesson Three: Thickness
Wit is . In fact the more oblivious the Douche is, the higher the level of his Douche-ness, but we'll get to that later. Anyway, a Douche should never make himself be aware of the feelings of other people or the things around him. He should always feel as if nothing else matters but him and the fact that he is the coolest person ever!
Creative insults or subtle remarks against a Douche's appearance should never register in the brain of a Douche's. With every engagement ending with the douche saying "Thanks! I am awesome".
Main point here, if your a douche, your awesome!
Lesson Five:The Douche-ness Factor
The "Douche-ness Level" or "Douche-ness" for short, is a measurement of scale which describes how much of Douche, a person is. The higher the level, the more of a Douche a person is.
Level Meaning 1 -- n00b 2 -- Douche 3 -- Big Douche 4 -- Duke of Douche 5 -- Grand Archbishop of Douche 6 -- Awesome Douche! (reserved for the most colossal of Douches) 7 -- Douche Nozzle (only said in solemn tones in respect of the greatness of the word)
Being Douche is a culmination of time, arrogance, style and pompousness..
Follow the lessons above and learn from the examples of the other great Douche's of our generation, and one day, You could also become a great Douche..