HowTo:Become a Ninja

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So you wanna be a ninja? Tell me just one thing.

Are you frikkin' insane?!!! You could never be a ninja. I mean, look at you. You suck. If there was a PhD in being dull, the examiner wouldn't even notice you. Come back in your next life after you've gained some awesomeness, and then you can read what's below.

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Where Ninjas Come From[edit]

All true ninjas are so flippin' awesome that they catch the hand of the nurse who tries to slap them and then rips it off and uses it to beat the shit out of her (see Fighting and Weapons below). Unfortunately this means there is a high mortality rate amongst newborn ninjas because they won't allow anyone to slap them to make them breathe - this is why a trained ninja should always be present at any ninja birth, so he can make the baby start breathing and then kill everyone in the building, including the baby if he's not leet enough. At the latest, one should become a ninja at the age of two. After that, you have lost all hope of ever achieving ninjadom. 'Cuz you'll be dead. Ninjas are very unforgiving like that. They could beat the living crap out of you.


As everyone knows, ninjas are the absolute ultimate killers. Only cheap ninjas use weapons, because all competent ninjas have trained to the point where their bodies are considered as deadly weapons in their own right. However, this does not mean they don't enjoy using other people's bodies as deadly weapons as well, and frequently rip off people's arms to beat them to death with, especially nurses (see above). Not only is it satisfyingly gory, but it saves on buying weapons.

Any ninja who has to resort to using weapons is a complete n00b. Yeah, you read that right; all those supposedly 'cool' shows you watch about 'bad-ass' ninjas are in fact just nooby shows about ultra-nooby ninjas. The only weapons a real ninja should ever be caught using are fear and, of course, other people's arms.

Skills to be Learned[edit]

If you plan on becoming a ninja at all, you'd better be under the age of 4. If not, then you don't have the slightest chance of ever successfully achieving ninjahood. But if, by chance, you are (and congratulations on learning to read words this big by 4 years old), then these are some basic skills you'll need in order to be a ninja:

  • Invisibility - Windwalk style

  • Not Dying - This is arguably the most important skill to learn when being a ninja, otherwise you might suddenly not be a ninja anymore.
  • Flipping - That's right. Ninjas don't jump, they flip out biatch. What most people don't know, usually because they're dead by the time they find it out, is that ninjas aren't subject to the forces of gravity, using sheer bad-assness to float in mid-air. At least, the skillfull ones do; the other kind of ninja usually just end up as a smear on the floor, like you. Oh, BTW: now I've told you the secret, you better watch out.
  • To become a ninja you must cut off your penis for free movement... if you are a ninja it only gets in the way! The only excuse for this is if you can retract it back into your body as you ninja.

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