HowTo:Benchmark your computer

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First of all, print these instructions - you are going to need them when your computer is off. If you don't have a printer then take a picture of the screen with a digital camera, load it onto your computer, then print the picture with a friend's printer. On second thought, it's probably best just to memorize it (including this part about printing).

Step 1[edit]

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin benchmarked his Dell Dimension 3000 after installing AOL

Unplug your computer (see, I told ya you'd have to print this), and tie it onto the end of the kite. If the kite won't fly with the computer then get a bigger kite. Wait for a rain storm and fly your computer kite for 1 hour. If your computer gets zapped by a lightning bolt, then it means you have a stable computer, if not, continue to the next steps.

Step 2[edit]

Do this


Step 3[edit]

Weigh the computer.

A healthy computer is between 10-50 pounds.

As of the year 2000, all healthy computers should weigh less then 20 ounces and fit in the palm of your hand.

This computer is bulky:


Step 4[edit]

Pick any game and play it for 48 hours straight. Watch the monitor carefully for sudden darkened areas or flashes. If you accidentally look away you probably just missed a vital glitch and need to start over.

Step 5[edit]

Ask your four year old brother if he wants to play on your computer. Leave him, a bowl of cheerios, and some candy, alone with the computer. If your computer still works afterwards then invite all his friends over to play with him on the computer. If your computer passes this test then you know it's stable.

Hint: If you are having trouble passing this test consider tying your brother up before letting him play.

Step 6[edit]

Use your computer as a weapon in a real gladiator fight.

Tip: With a computer you are best against a Dimachaeri, as you can just throw it in his face.

Step 7[edit]

Scan your computer with 2 scanners at once. If they find a virus one will try to quarantine it, one will try to delete, and they will end up killing each other. If your computer survives this you know you are good to go.