HowTo:Change a Spare Tire

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“Spare Tyre Changing? I thought this was about sparing lives...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Spare Tyre Changing

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Spare Tyre Changing can be a fun and/or pain in the ass thing to do, but what it really is is the art of changing tyres, switching from one tyre to another, whether the first tyre is used, or not used, it's something to do sparingly. Men and Women can change a tyre! it's easy as 1-2-3, or at least, some would like to think that anyway... When you learn the art of Sparetyrechangery, then it's all good in the hood.

Contents 1 Required Equipment 2 Tyre Removal 2.1 Psyching out the Tyre 2.2 Scream Obscenities 2.3 Threaten to Burn the Tyre 2.4 Blowtorch It 3 Screwing On The New Tyre 4 Congratulations 5 See Also

[edit] Required Equipment

You will need the following before you attempt Spare Tyre Changing...

• Old tyre
• New tyre
• Helmet
• Machete
• Gasoline canister
• Lighter (A book of matches could work too)
• Rubber gloves
• A brain (Optional)
• A computer to show this page
• Internet connection
• Cell phone

[edit] Tyre Removal

Did you get all that? Are you ready to learn how to change tyres? Fantastic. Now, here are some ways you can remove that god damn son-of-a-bitch tyre that just won't come off your car.

[edit] Psyching out the Tyre

1. Stare at the tyre. This may not seem to do much, but you are actually psyching out the tire so it comes off easier. Trust me.
2. Now that you have successfully frightened the tire, begin poking at it with the machete.
3. If done correctly, the tyre will now be quaking in fear, and will be easy to remove. Continue on to the next set of instructions.

[edit] Scream Obscenities

1. Begin trying to remove the lug nuts on the tyre. Curse yourself for throwing out the tyre removal kit because it was a "waste of space."
2. Shout obscenities at the tyre in order to make it come off. This usually doesn't work, unless you're Chuck Norris.
3. Stamp about angrily, hoping to invoke pity in the tyre so that it comes off.
4. Threaten to hold your breath until you pass out or the tyre comes off. Most effective if you stretch a rubber glove over your face.
5. Once you regain consciousness, proceed to next set of instructions.

[edit] Threaten to Burn the Tyre

1. Take out the can of gasoline.
2. Slosh it menacingly at the tyre
3. Threaten to light the tyre on fire if it doesn't cooperate. Glare at it accusingly.
4. Give in and splash gasoline on the tyre. Continue on to the next set of instructions.

[edit] Blowtorch It

1. Say some final words out of respect. Cross your fingers as you say them, since this tyre was a jerk.
2. Flick on the lighter or light the match. Wave it in front of the tyre to give it one last chance.
3. Throw the lighter into the gasoline. Step back as your eyebrows burn off.
4. Watch the tyre be consumed by the orange and red flames. Ask yourself why this isn't a professional job and why you don't have that job.
5. Continue onward, for glory and honor! (and to change your bloody tyre)

[edit] Screwing On The New Tyre

1. Pick up the cell phone.
2. Curse loudly as you realize it's your stupid kid's cellphone, and it's a touch screen too, dammit.
3. Attempt to figure out how to dial on this thing.
4. Consult the one hundred page owner's manual on the cell phone.
5. Dial a tow service.
6. Wait for somebody to pick you up and your car.
7. Promise yourself you won't do this again.

[edit] Congratulations

Way to go, you have successfully learned how to get rid of an old tyre, and put on a new tyre. See, the art of Spare Tire Changing isn't so bad, and it can be fun and humorous too, and makes a great story to tell your friends later, especially if you did it in an interesting manner.

[edit] See Also

• Cars
• Men
• Hood
• Brain