HowTo:Crusade Successfully

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We've all been there, haven't we? For years we've been putting up with it, and then it comes to the point where something has to be done. You could go to war, but that wouldn't show the rage you've developed over the years. There's only one real option: Crusade.

Choosing your Crusade[edit]

There are two playable types of Crusade: Crusade V2.0 (V1.0 was recalled after numerous losses against the Arabs) and Crusade Online.

Crusade V2.0[edit]

Crusade V2.0 is the real life form of Crusade. It allows you to actually acquire physical territory, although there are risks, primarily death and getting huffed. Only one person ever won V2.0, and that was Indiana Jones, although he lost the Holy Grail in the end because of a dumb bitch.

Preparing a crusade[edit]

In order to succeed in your crusade, the following must be accomplished before you start:
  • Find a cause.
  • Get an objective.
  • Get support.
  • Get weapons.

Finding a cause[edit]

Ideally you should already have one. However, if you don't, you 1) are a n00b, and 2) can choose from this list:

Getting an objective[edit]

In order to attract your mindless drones, you have to have an objective of some kind. Good ones include:
  • Massacring the enemy.
  • Capturing a city.
  • Killing the leader.
  • Getting land.
  • Offering a 2-for-1 deal on George Foreman grills for everyone who signs up.

Getting support[edit]

This can be tricky. With the right cause and objective, support is easy to find. If you're missing one of those, you're huffed. Let's say you've got both. Here are your potential supporters:
A note on masses: If you have enough, you can overcome anything. A good way to start is to consult HowTo:Start a Religion and get followers. This also fulfils the other two supports. Altrnatively you could use zombies (created via botching HowTo:Revive the Dead), although you should watch out in case they turn on you.
Another note on masses: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to gain support from a mass of grues. They will turn on you shortly before completing your victorious crusade and eat you. Then they'll go and complete the crusade just to spite you.

Getting weapons[edit]

You should automatically have weapons if you have followers. However, if you don't live in America and haven't managed to find any knights, you may have to get weapons for your army. Appropriate weapons include:


Act as you would in any war, but remember to maintain that support.

I won![edit]

Congratulaions. You can now pick another target or relax a little.

I lost...[edit]

Try again, and get more followers this time!

I got eaten by a mass of grues...[edit]

What did I tell you? You fail.

Crusade Online[edit]

This is a bit different to your standard crusade. For one thing there are a number of editions of this for specific purposes, and for another you'll need a computer and an internet provider (not AOL, n00b). For now we'll look at the general version.

The crusade[edit]

The same rules apply as for Crusade V2.0, although you should use HowTo:Online Jihad as a reference. Don't Slashburn your potential gains, you n00b. Suitable supporters include:

Note: By successfully crusading online, you are now 1337. Well done.


There are three special editions of Crusade Online, each with its own rules:


Follows all the rules of the standard edition.
  • Preferred deity: Oscar Wilde.
  • Preferred religious authority: A random admin.
  • Preferred masses: Uncyclopedians, Encyclopedia Dramaticans... Anyone who doesn't use Wikipedia, really.


This is radically different to your standard online crusade. In fact, it's more like Crusade V2.0 than anything else. This mean you'll have to do the following:
  • Find a good alliance (Default, Incinerators, etc....) and become a leader.
  • Encourage your members to kill everyone on Darkthrone/in target alliance to prove the alliance's superiority.
  • Don't stop until you actually achieve your goal/get owned by Default/Incinerators.
  • Recommended supports:
    • The alliance leader.
    • Any Cleric class player.
    • Alliance members.


This edition should only be used in response to online jihad. It basically follows the Online Crusade rules, although you must remember to fix any pages you capture.
Preferred supports:
  • The owner of the website.
  • You.
  • People who actually like the website.

Links & Stuff[edit]