HowTo:Get Laid
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“Oh, that sex!”
Getting Laid is the most difficult task ever to be attempted by man. This technique involves having sex. It is believed that the first successful occurrence of this feat was in the year 500,000,000,000 BC by God. Being God, therefore, is often quoted as the most effective way of achieving the state of laid, though it is to be noted that this is a goal almost as difficult as getting laid in the first place.
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[edit] Why get laid?
Those few who have emerged from the state of laid have all tried to describe the extent of the incredible pleasure, and failed. Oscar Wilde's famous anecdote tries to explain it thus:
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Alright, imagine the most pleasurable thing you have ever experienced. Now double it. Now times it together with the sum of all the rest of the pleasurable things you have ever experienced in your life. Now commit suicide. You're not even close.
Wikipedia defines orgasm thus:
amazing, astonishing, astounding, bang-up, best, breathtaking, cool, crack, dilly, doozie, extravagant, fab, fantastic, fictitious, first class, gone, greatest, groovy, immense, in spades, inconceivable, incredible, legendary, marvelous, mind-blowing, off the hook, out-of-this-world, outrageous, peachy, phenomenal, primo, prodigious, rad, remarkable, smashing, spectacular, striking, stupendous, super, superb, terrific, top drawer, tops, unbelievable, unreal, wicked, wondrous.
...before inducing the blue screen of death in your computer.
[edit] Still need convincing?
Of course, mind-boggling pleasure isn't everything in life. In this universe which God created to satisfy his all-consuming inferiority complex, many of us struggle to find meaning for our lives. Many try to change the world for the better, or to be remembered for some great feat. Getting laid is way better than that. The simple act of being laid renders you infallible (including retroactively) and spiritually above all non-laid men. In short, you are a demigod.
[edit] Getting laid is not as easy as you think
It is common to believe in this day and age that women like sex; however, this is an illusion created by modern consumerist culture. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Women hate sex, especially with you. For this reason, getting laid involves becoming a master of deceit and manipulation. Every instinct in your being must be overridden in order to achieve success.
[edit] 1. You do not talk about Fight Club
Mentioning the word "sex" or any related word in conversation with a woman brings about instant failure. Quite simply, a woman cannot be brought to imagine herself with you in a sexual context at any point, even indirectly or perhaps, even while having sex with you, or she will reject you. And whatever you want, you do not want rejection. The correct method is to act in all ways like you genuinely only want to be friends with the woman or that you have no interest in her at all. Girls find this hot.
This is not just a tactic, but a philosophy. Martial Arts master and sex guru Sun Tsu has perhaps described it best: "Achieving the pinnacle of sexual achievement requires mastery of the mind and of the penis and of the mind. One life spent studying the art of fornication would not be spent in vain" And additionally: "As the moon rises and the sun sets, this is the preferred time for the attack. Remember, mountains attack while lions defend. As such, bend like reed but withstand typhoon, be like moth and butterfly, but not crab, this is the way of success." Another popular saying is: "To have satisfactory victory, one must be mindful of the paper bag. Moon-filled nights spent with women from the tribes of the mongoles are best spent with paperbag at hand. When spent in defence, the bag of paper is breathable and thus one will not endup with a corpse beside thee."
Best results can be found by applying this to all aspects of your life. In other words, do everything you do exactly as if the thought of getting laid has never come to mind. Do not approach attractive women without an excuse. Do not look at attractive women. Avoid direct eye contact. If one talks to you, keep all sentences short and to the point.
[edit] 2. Complete Surrender
This is quite a tricky concept. Often, you will have urges to enjoy yourself when on a date with a girl, for instance to tease her, talk about inconsequential things, play around, and make her work to win you over. NO, NO, NO. The important thing to remember is that a date with a woman is not like hanging out with a friend. Women do not like guys with personalities. Women like complete surrender. You must show that you would do anything for a woman; compliment her continuously, avoid having opinions unless they are the same as hers, let her make all the decisions, buy her gifts (hint: it's not the thought that counts!) and make her feel like a princess. This shows that you are not at all interested in sex, and makes you look like good "relationship" material. Soon she will feel safe around you, and may let her guard down.
[edit] 3. Being a Nice Guy
Remember, "He's a nice guy" is not a complement. A nice guy is the male equivalent of a fat chick. Even if they are fun to hang around with, they will never get laid. If a chick calls you a "nice guy", react like she just called you a scum-sucking worthless freak.
[edit] 4. Be a mirror
Hire a private detective, and have him find out everything that your girl professes to "like" in a man, then become that man, even if it requires the sacrifice of your life goals or personal beliefs, or major plastic surgery. Remember, getting laid is worth it.
[edit] The Pickup
Women don't just come to you -- in fact, usually they run away from you as fast as they can; this is why the "pickup" stage is necessary.
1. Prepare.
As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, a battle is decided before it is ever fought. Brush your hair; shave; wash; soap your body; apply shampoo and conditioner (lather, rinse, & repeat ad infinitum); brush, floss and suck on some breath mints; apply an expensive cologne; and dress according to the latest fashions. (Consult a women's magazine for guidance). See fig. 1.0.
2. Approach.
Find a girl. Use of hunting dogs to sniff one out may be necessary.
According to the rule, "You do not talk about Fight Club", approaching openly as if you have nothing to hide is out of the question. "Openers" and "Pick-up lines" are therefore necessary.
[edit] Example Openers
- Stroll past the girl. There is an approximate 4x10-4% chance she may stop you and talk to you for some reason. You're in!
- Cut your wrists and start dying. She might notice you, and possibly help you. This technique has the added benefit that if the girl chooses to help you, she's a nice girl AND you're in!
- Mug her and steal her handbag. Girls like tough guys. Besides, the possibility that you're trying to get into her pants may be the LAST thing to come into her mind.
- Walk up to her say "Hey I noticed you from where I was sitting,"(look into her eyes, the ones on their head, they really like that you're focused on them and they're the center of the universe while you talk to them) and then compliment something like their shoes or eyes. (never their shirt or pants or they'll think that you were looking at either their tits or ass)
[edit] Example pick-up lines
- let's play rape, you scream and i'll fuck you! (five minutes late "whow you're good at this")
- Those jeans look tight, i'll help you off with them!
- After a date when you drop her home look into her eyes and say "well it aint gonna suck it's self now is it?"
- Welcome to America.
- Fuck me.
- My penis just died, can I bury it in your vagina.
- I'm from Holland, where the fuck you from?
- Your eyes are like spanners. They make my nuts tighten.
- Do you work at Subway? Cause you have just given me a foot-long!
- Calm down dear! Let's not turn this rape into a murder!
- Nice shoes. Want a fuck?
- If I was Schindler, I'd put YOU on my Liszt!
- How can you deny an innocent child the gift of life ... by not sleeping with me?
- Did it hurt? - She: Did what hurt? - When you fell out of heaven?~
- Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.~
- (To two or more girls) I don't wanna come between you, or do I?
- Are you an angel? Cuz you're the only mythical creature I haven't fucked yet
- What kind of implants do you have?
- Whoa! Is it that time of the month already?
- Was your father an astronaut? 'Cause he chose the perfect stars from the sky and put them in your perfect eyes.~
- Hey, wench, can my little soldier invade your Bay of Pigs?
- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your heart?~
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I in a 69 position, with my room mate filming!
- If I could change English my only alphabets would be WEFUCKNOWEFUCKNOWEFUCKNOW
- Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
- Did you just fart? Because you blew me away.
- Hi, I'm Joe Gass.
- I guess I'll rail ya... I am kinda bored.
- How do you like your eggs? Boiled or fertilized?
- I believe you are what you eat and by tomorrow I plan to be you.
- Would you like to engage in sexual intercourse?
- Does this smell like chloroform to you?
- I have a small penis which will not hurt your beautiful vagina, and I happen to ejaculate gold bullion.
- Have you gotten your car started? Because I am ready to burn some rubber tonight!
- SEX!!!
- That dress would look real nice on my floor.
- Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants!
- Do you like horses?..(wait for answer)... I thought so.
- Babble like an idiot untill she fucks your brains out.
- Shagadelic Baby!!!
- Bond. James Bond. (this only works if you ARE James Bond. If you're not, the real James Bond can legally show up and kill you)
[edit] Side Effects to Pick-Up Lines May Include
- Getting arrested
- Getting slapped
- Loss of your body parts
- External bleeding
- Internal bleeding
- The starting cause (rarely)
- Getting kneed... in your nuts. Ouch
- Castration
- Two words: high heels
- Getting cussed off, normally "You sick bastard"
- Having your sick, rotting, bastard body left behind a dumpster
- Losing any of your five senses, if not all
- Getting laid -- go on, try them!
- And many more!!!
NOTE: There may appear to be some philosophical difference between pick-up lines and openers, but with a little practice you should be able to combine the two ideas.
3. Talk.
This is mainly to space out the time between when you approach and when you ask for her phone number, but you may be able to demonstrate your relationship value in the meantime. See complete surrender.
4. Get the number.
Asking for it outright may be a little too direct, though. Try stealing her mobile when she goes to the toilet.
[edit] Metaphors
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Through the ages, a number of metaphors of the meaning "getting laid" also appeared. They are known as:
- The holy grail
- Shagtastic time!
- Poking the wound
- Cleaning the python
- Blowing the load
- Driving the tunnel
- Having a shunt
- Fucking
- Taking a ride to vaginaville
- Rooting
- Fountain of Youth.
- Chase the rainbow (or the Unicorn for that matter. Eunuch Horn is not recommended).
- Find Waldo's imaginary girlfriend.
- Renewal
- The one ring
- The Sac of Homme
- The Cataclysmic Splurge
- The Force
- Pumped catmilk
- Kim Possible
- Taking your pocket pirate to Tunatown
- Give up... It's impossible. Please!?
And numerous others.
[edit] Consider also
Sometimes, people who are married get laid, if, for example, the woman wants a child and they don't have enough money to pay for in-vitro fertilization. However, this tactic is complicated by the fact that women do not marry men who have no money. A number of strategies have been implemented successfully in the past to get round this, for instance the flying credit card/sodium pentathol trick of Guicomo Casanova.
Note, however, that a woman is generally more likely just to forgo children than to overcome her revulsion towards your penis. Oh well, enjoy your marriage.
[edit] And Remember
Nothing else matters. If you do somehow manage to get laid, you have succeeded at life, and now evolution has no need for you anymore.
[edit] External Links
- Wikihow.com - A copy of this article once appeared here before its deletion, but anyone can revert the page to its former glory with a little knowledge about "Wikis".
