HowTo:Get a job
Okay, you need money and your family and friends have gotten sick of being mooched off of. So its time to get a job. Here is the perfect way to go about it.
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- Be sure to misspell simple words on your resume. This shows that you are a nonconformist, and employers love nonconformists.
- Inflate and lie about your accomplishments. They'll never check to see if you really graduated from XYZ university with a major in metaphysics.
- Use bright neon-colored paper for your resume. This will be sure to get their attention. If it glows in the dark, so much the better. Extra points for matching neon-colored envelopes.
- Use a funky font, like Dingbats. This ensures that the employer will have to actually get a person to read it instead of having it scanned into a giant database. They love the extra work.
- Be sure to include personal information, like your social security number. That way, anyone who reads it can steal your identity with ease.
- Enclose a picture of yourself, especially if you are ugly.
- Make sure your cover letter is at least 10 pages long. The Human Resources office doesn't have enough paperwork to sift through.
- Write your cover letter in magic markers. Everybody loves rainbow colors. Be sure to draw some little flowers, too.
- If you don't have any magic markers, then be sure to spill coffee or tea on the cover letter. Why bother going to the trouble of rewriting it?
- Use a lot of perfume/cologne to cover up the fact that you ran out of antiperspirant this morning. The scent should be pleasantly overpowering.
- Eat something with garlic immediately before the interview. Everybody loves the smell of garlic breath.
- Be sure to burp or fart at the interview.
- Wear sunglasses, torn jeans and a rock band T-shirt to the interview. Don't take the sunglasses off during the interview, either. This will show them what a cool person you are.
- Answer most of the questions with "I dunno" or "I don't remember". This makes you seem like a mysterious person. Everyone loves a good mystery.
- Chew mint gum during the interview to freshen your breath.
- Don't bother to call the employer back - this just makes them think you're desperate.
- Don't write any thank you notes. Thank you notes are for losers.
- If you're asked to take a drug test, be sure to eat lots of poppyseed muffins before testing. That way you won't have to do it again.