HowTo:Go to hell

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“I've been there. It's a real Divine Comedy!”

~ Dante on Hell

Why Go To Hell?[edit]

First, because you probably hear that a lot. You don't? Well, then Fuck you! You thought I was really gonna write Go to Hell then ? You think I'm that predictable? Tss tss...

Despite popular belief, Hell is not such a bad place. And it's not, contrary to Heaven, a place where you stay there for Eternity. Really. Dante Alighieri went there, and came back to tell all about it. It is said that Chuck Norris spent a few vacations there, while a teenager, looking for hot babes. God is known to spend Sundays there. On the other hand, I don't know of nobody that has been to Heaven and returned. People, and dogs too, go there, and get trapped there, FOREVER! That just sucks!

Now, the good things of Hell:

  • You don't have to be dead to go there - remember the examples above?
  • You'll never get a cold - and fever won't be a problem
  • You can swear, curse, say anything that comes to your mind - nobody cares
  • If you're a guy, there's a lot of bitches there, so you may get laid - however, some people might want to rape you
  • If you're a broad, there's all kind of sex toys there that won't take you to Heaven for sure, but will feel nice,anyway - if you're into SM, you don't know what you've been missing
  • You are Free to do everything - but you'll have no rules to break, since everything is allowed
  • If you're black, you won't be discriminated - but all your bling bling will melt due to excessive heat

The Bad aspects of Hell:

  • You might feel pain sometimes - or all the time (this may be good for some)
  • It's hot - and there's no beaches
  • The environment is mostly red - if you're a bull, you'll be always overexcited, and maybe aroused

What To Do To Go To Hell?[edit]

First off, believe in Hell, and in Satan. Don't be too enthousiastic about God, or you may end up in Heaven, and we don't want that, right? Right.

Next, do something you're told not to , by your mom, your dad, or your local priest. If the Pope or God itself got to adress you personally, listen carefully, there may be the secret to go to Hell. Good examples are: commit suicide, rape your mom, or your sister (do it twice, it feels beter, and you'll get more chances to enter Hell that way). Can't rape your female relatives because you're a woman, eunuch or have a tiny penis? Don't panic! You can shove a crucifix up your arse, piss on the Bible, that kind of stuff. Please, don't kill, beat down, harm a stranger. That's bad, and you'll get them to go to Heaven - if you rape ou kill your relatives, you may be getting a place for them there. Ain't that sweet?

However, if you're too much of an angel to do any of those nice things, feel free to take this bus.

What To Do in Hell?[edit]

Do everything that you god-damn please. You're in Hell already, what's gonna happen to you as a punishment? Still need a few suggestions? OK, here we go:

  • Ask permission to go to Middle Earth, take the ring from Frodo and pretend you're Frodo, tossing the ring into the fire (Hell's fire must be more powerful than Mount Doom's, right?
  • Marshmallows
  • Meet your dad
  • Hurt and torture damned souls, such as yourself
  • Rape your sister again (she was too much of a sinner, and didn't gained access to Heaven)
  • Meet me
  • Gamble
  • Relax (not too much, or you will roast
  • Return to the living world, and haunt somebody you used to hate
  • If you're not dead, return to the living world, write a book of your adventures in Hell, and get famous forever (Just like Dante)
  • If you're a lousy writer, make a pact with the Devil so he writes it for you and you'll just have to give him your soul
  • Be funny and not just stupid
  • Write articles/shit/funny things in Uncyclopedia
  • Hack Uncyclopedia
  • Pay a visit on Chuck Norris (he is not in Hell, but you can get out of there, remember?)
  • Fart and set (even more) things on fire
  • Create a MySpace page
  • Listen to Heavy Metal
  • Talk to God
  • Shout at the Devil (Just like Motley Crue)
  • Meet the Pope

Shit To Take With When Going To Hell[edit]

As you can imagine, Hell is a hard place. It got a 2nd place in the Worst 100 Locations of All Time list. So, you should take a few precautions with you.


Such as?

I have no idea, think for yourself. Right now, I'm on my way to Hell., so I'll tell you later.