HowTo:Lose Weight

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All your life you knew you were different. In 7th grade when all the other girls were wearing size 0's and training bras and you were wearing a size 12 and no one could tell where your boobs ended and your gut began. In high school when you wanted to try out for cheerleading, but the skirts only came in two sizes small and xtra small, and you needed one skirt for each leg. "Why God? Why?" Fries, Fries, Fries, Fries!

Then after seeing Japanese people run in terror screaming "Godzilla" after seeing you, you begin to wonder if maybe you could stand to eat a few more rice cakes,... and a few less Double quarter pounders with cheese. "But working out is so hard," you think to yourself as you inhale your 15th Big Mac at the McDonald's, which happens to be

5 feet from your house, since walking is out of the question. Never fear fatass, with this amazing guide to losing weight, you'll be puking with the best of 'em in no time.

Do You Really Need to Lose Weight?[edit]

You know you really need to lose weight if:

  • It's news to you that breathing is normally silent and through the nose.
  • GAP girls hide at the sight of you, even though it's a "Plus-Size" shop.
  • You go swimming and leave a ring around the lake.
  • Your nipples are visible under three layers of clothing.
  • You find yourself pulling small objects into orbit around you.
  • You have no separation between boobs and gut. It's just one continuous boob tire.
  • You have more chins than a Chinese phone book.
  • You consider speed-chess a workout.
  • Your blood type is rocky road.
  • You get on a talking scale and it says "Good Morning, Oprah."
  • When you run your tits bounce up and block your view.
  • You grab your fat instead of your penis or can't find your penis all together.

You may not need to lose weight if:

  • During a presentation a co-worker accidentally places you on the overhead projector and draws on you with a marker.
  • A Calvin Klein model tells you you're too skinny.
  • Your doctor says, "Those lungs have a healthy colour," and he's not looking at an X-ray.
  • You stand behind a post and disappear
  • You've eaten only rice cakes all day

What NOT to Do[edit]

So let's say you do need to drop a foot or two from your waist or hips. Be aware that the following methods are useless, dangerous, or both.

  • Diets. Typically these follow the pattern of one piece melba toast with cottage cheese for breakfast, one lettuce leaf and one scoop plain tuna for lunch, and for dinner three deep-fried bacon cheeseburgers and one gallon chocolate cookie-dough ice cream, at which point your organs prolapse and you no longer need to lose weight. You may need to gain a few feet of intestine, though.
  • Appetite suppressants. Avoid them unless you enjoy spending five days without sleep because you've suddenly decided to install a koi pond in the backyard and cable TV in the doghouse.
  • Eating sensibly and exercising. I mean come on, if it were that easy, you'd be doing that already, right?

The Uncyclopedia Weight Loss Method (TM) doesn't involve any of that rubbish. Our rigorous clinical tests have shown that the quickest and easiest way to lose weight is to surgically remove all fat and unnecessary internal organs. You'll be turning heads (not stomachs) in no time.

What You'll Need[edit]

  • 1 crate 120-proof whiskey
  • Full-length mirror
  • Scalpel
  • Rubbing alcohol
  • Gauze
  • Something to bite down on
  • A mail-order degree in medicine with an emphasis on surgical procedures
  • A paramedic (as backup)

What You Do[edit]

Your redundant digestive tract.
  1. Get absolutely stinkin' blotto on whiskey.
  2. Sterilize scalpel with rubbing alcohol and carefully slice your abdominal cavity open right below the belly button. Sop up any blood or organ spillage with gauze.
  3. The first thing you'll notice is the reams upon reams of ugly yellow fat. Get rid of it.
  4. But wait, you're not done. Take a look at the diagram below and note how many useless organs God in his folly has given us, which do nothing but make us heavier.
  5. As every fool knows, the appendix does nothing but sit there and maybe one day burst like a zit. Right, out it goes.
  6. Now tell me, why would you need both a "large" and "small" intestine? Since the larger one is obviously heavier, chuck it.
  7. What's this? Three colons? One's enough, surely? Bye-bye to the other two, let's say the ascending and descending.
  8. Mop up any excess blood; stitch your abdomen back together, and you're done.
  9. Congratulations! You're now at least fifty pounds lighter. Take the rest of the whiskey to bed with you and have a bit of a kip while your body heals. You will have to call in sick tomorrow.

Also, before weighing yourself, be sure to get rid of any expendable substances. Urinate, defecate, masturbate and donate blood, and if you have time, remove as much snot, dead skin and smegma as possible.

"Logical, Perfect" Method[edit]

See : Village Idiot's guide to weight loss

Caution[edit]

Adverse effects of the Uncyclopedia Weight Loss Method (TM) may include searing pain, dizziness, shock and death. Uncyclopedia and its affiliates are not responsible for any damages resulting from failure to follow the directions, or from actually following them. Individual results may vary. Remember to call your mother and have an absolutely super day.

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