HowTo:Make A Metal Song

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This is NOT a heavy metal band

“There's more music in a Billy Goat shitting in a tin can!”

~ Old people on Heavy metal and Goats shitting in a billy can

“And as for a lack of musical knowledge... please. Listen to pretty much anything by Iron Maiden, try to play Megadeth's Head Crusher (you will FAIL), try to write a bassline like Ace of Spades'... It's a no-brainer. It's a shame that a few bigots like the writer of this article tar a huge, huge genre with the brush of a couple of totally shite metalcore tracks. Metalcore has spoilt everything, but IT IS NOT FUCKING METAL.”

~ A Metalhead moments later having a winge about this article

“Yes it is. note the use of the word 'metal' in metalcore”

~ A "bigot" on that quote

So you're in a heavy metal band and want to create a heavy metal song? Well you've come to the wrong place - as you see, heavy metal songs require no talent to make. Heavy metal music is just a guitar, bass and drums playing as loud as possible with a loud, deep, scary voice just yelling over the top.

Step 1: Getting A Band Together[edit]

So you have decided to fill this world with just a little bit more hate and crap music? Well creating a metal band is a great way to make new friends! (but mostly enemies). First you're going to have to find yourself some band members, don't worry too much about their talent or music knowledge, as this is one genre you don't have to worry about those things! members of metal band usually fits into these catagories:

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This is what you are looking for. Note: the coolness
  • The Quiet artistic one who plots a mass shooting
  • The bald one with the orange beard
  • The one with 2 brain cells and is only in the group because of his ability to scream and kick the shit out of people
  • The short skinny one that can kinda sing, but really cannot, he just looks like he belongs in a metal group and it isn't like he can hurt anything.
  • The one with really festive hair
  • The sexual maniac
  • The Woman

Step 2: Choosing your Genre[edit]

This style of music is known for having over 50 different genres that sound the same. Here are a few to get a basic idea, it is important that you choose a genre that you feel comfortable with (another popular idea is to claim to be another genre other then metal like say Psycadelic Rock, but really not being like that genre at all. A good example being the band Tool):

Step 3: Create a name for your song[edit]

First of all, you must make a name for your song. Most heavy metal bands will just choose some sick name for their songs (eg. Cum Is Yum, Bloody Face, Chainsaw In The Cunt, Anal Bleeding, I Cum On Your Grave). Basically, just choose some random curse word (we'll go with "fuck"), the optional preposition (let's just say "in), then a naughty part of the body (We'll use "dickhole), then choose your favorite weapon (I like switchblades best). Then throw them together in a way that makes just enough sense so your target audience's heads don't explode until they hear your awful music. Here's my rendition : "The Devil Fucks me in the Dickhole with a Switchblade" Classic metal band name.

Chain saw in the cunt.gif


Once you have chosen that, you must make the lyrics.

Step 4: Making the lyrics[edit]

When creating lyrics, the aim is make them at the least musically possible. This can be done by repeating the name of your song into the microphone very loudly. But who really cares? You could just say anything into the microphone very loudly and no-one would understand you, everyone is just listening to the loud noise anyway.

Example of heavy metal lyrics:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAbAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYEAH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Alternately, you can use words, but the golden rule of metal is that they don't have to make sense and probably shouldn't. Here's a good example:

"Suck wall sponge bath car wash!!!!! Shoe polish pizza nose tomato rose!!!!! Antidisestablishmentarianism aggro three pronged plug!!!!!! Nazi door handle principal dick toothpaste goat fuck orgy foot saliva Necronomekon!!!!!! Yu-Gi-Oh mouth fuck!!!!!!"


When screamed at the top of the lungs, provided that you don't include lyrics or they are in some sort of undecypherable written language, all your fans will assume that your lyrics are deep utterances of the unfathomable pain that your broken heart must endure as you poopdick around on stage. But everybody except those two guys will probably realize that you suck and not listen to you, so it doesn't really matter what you say.

Any questions? good, now let's move on.

Step 5: Make a loud noise[edit]

Ok, so now you've come up with lyrics and now you need some loud, shitty noise behind you. We've listed what to do for each insturment below:

Guitar[edit]

First of all, make sure the Guitar is on as loud as it can go then turn distortion on, now play a really simple power cord on the lowest string you can (commonly referred to as power chord E5) contrasting it with a very high sreeching solo.

Bass[edit]

Then, with the Bass, turn it up to full volume as well, but instead of putting distortion on, just hit the top string as hard as you can at any speed you want.

Drums[edit]

And finally, Drums, it's quite simple really, just hit as many drums as you can as fast and loud as you can. Some bands have been known to record the sound of a machine gun killing kittens and playing that while the "drummer" has a severe eptilectic seizure to pass that off as drums.

Other insturments?[edit]

no! never use any other inturments because mainly, your just not smart enough to play them! besides you'll look like a wimp and you'll never create the deafening head exploding crap sound you want, use only variants or multiable of the same insturments.

All together? just remember the goldern rule! if its not sounding good MAKE IT LOUDER!!

just watch some experienced boneheads:

  • note at 3:45 the singer experiences a orgasim

Step 6: The form of a Metal Song[edit]

After listening to a few metal songs you will find that they generally follow the same form this form is the: Soft - Build - Scream - Rinse and Repeat method, we suggest this method if you would like to attract a female audience alternativly you can just use the Scream Method and in some instances, having someone torture a spidermonkey backstage and projecting that to the audience can be acceptable as well.

Step 7: Play your piece of shit song[edit]

First, you have to get a gig. The main thing you need to realize while trying to score one is that nobody in their right mind would let you play anywhere within a ten mile radius of them or anyone who associates with them. This is why the best time to try and score a gig is during a holiday at a bar. Try and stalk your future employer, find out where he drinks/smokes pot/drops acid. Wait until a special occasion arises, i.e. New Year's, St. Patrick's Day, his son lost his virginity. Go to his favorite partying location and wait for him to arrive. When he does, walk up to him like you've known him forever and offer him his favorite drink/hash/pill. At first, he will be wary of you, but just wait about an hour or until he's slammed. This is your golden opportunity. Ask him now and make sure to get a written and signed agreement that you will cause the downfall of his entire life after you play your shitty music. Congrats!!! You have landed your first gig! Now get out there and be the best lowlife you can be!


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After that, your band will be as cool as these guys!

List of Heavy metal bands[edit]

Here are a list of bands just as shit as yours:

Judas Priest

Iron Maiden

Deicide

Black Sabbath

Ozzy Osbourne

Kreator

Bathory

Metallica

Torsofuck

Mayhem

Megadeth

Slayer

Darkthrone

Burzum

Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell

Pantera

List of not Heavy metal bands[edit]

The Beatles

Pink Floyd

Led Zeppelin

Deep Purple

Slipknot

The Doors

Rage Against The Machine

Avenged Sevenfold

Rolling Stones

Alice Cooper

Guns N' Roses

Nine Inch Nails

Jimmi Hendrix

N'Sync

Lordi

Enough Z'Nuff

See Also[edit]